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It has been a long while since I have came to this forum and need help. If any of the moderators read this, please place in a good place to ask for help that I need.
I am so angry. I am so far from forgetting and I really don't understand. My sister has begone with a new relationship and it has driven me to be disappointed and angry about the whole thing.
She is 20 years old, working at a school, doing the things she wants to do. She recently met someone while at work, and is now infatuated by him. I'm not really sure as to why. I understand why I am angry though, he's 41.
Every time I see her I want to say something rude; something mean. Maybe she'll take what I say to heart and change her thinking, but I know that will never happen.
I have to come by next week each day to make sure my younger siblings and my grandfather are doing well and are eating. Make dinners and keep the house in tip top shape while our parents are on their trip, but I don't know if I can do that with her there, or not there.
Our parents and I are at our wits end. They seem to tell me their hands are tied and can only expect her to learn from this and make better choices going forward. I just think that she's making her choices now and will regret everything that happens. She isn't pregnant, hasn't done drugs - or that we know of - but I'm afraid of she is taking everything for granted.
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 11 days ago)
35,637 posts, read 17,989,189 times
Reputation: 50679
It seems like you have written this in a different language, and have translated it into English with an online translator website, so I'm having a little bit of trouble following it.
Your sister, who is 20, is supporting herself. She's dating a man who is 41.
Is that the whole point of this post? Why is that causing you such distress? Why are your parents at their "wits end" over this?
It seems like you have written this in a different language, and have translated it into English with an online translator website so I'm having a little bit of trouble following it.
Your sister, who is 20, is supporting herself. She's dating a man who is 41.
Is that the whole point of this post? Why is that causing you such distress? Why are your parents at their "wits end" over this?
Yeah, I actually just "blah"-ed all over the screen and typed what ever was on my mind.
She isn't supporting herself, she lives with the parents. She works but can't pay for much herself. She just got out of high school a year or two ago, but hasn't done much else. While I know "age is but a number", I can't agree with a 41 year old, dating and...and doing what ever...people in a relationship do.
I said the only detail to be his age, as I don't know much else about him. Other things we assume, my parents and I included, are that he is an ex-drug attic, is very violent and a verbal abuser. We do know he has two kids.
It seems like you have written this in a different language, and have translated it into English with an online translator website, so I'm having a little bit of trouble following it.
Your sister, who is 20, is supporting herself. She's dating a man who is 41.
Is that the whole point of this post? Why is that causing you such distress? Why are your parents at their "wits end" over this?
Well, obviously OP thinks that his young sister dating a guy twice her age is going to be used, hurt, perhaps get pregnant, ruin her life...
He cares and worries about her. That's his concern.
However, there is not much he can do. Her parents seem to tell him their hands are tied, and can only expect her to learn from this and make better choices going forward.
That's about all he can do too. Turning his back isn't going to be supportive. He needs to show understanding and tell her that no matter what, he will support her, and help when help is needed. Hopefully his sister knows about contraception and safe sex.
Yeah, I actually just "blah"-ed all over the screen and typed what ever was on my mind.
She isn't supporting herself, she lives with the parents. She works but can't pay for much herself. She just got out of high school a year or two ago, but hasn't done much else. While I know "age is but a number", I can't agree with a 41 year old, dating and...and doing what ever...people in a relationship do.
I said the only detail to be his age, as I don't know much else about him. Other things we assume, my parents and I included, are that he is an ex-drug attic, is very violent and a verbal abuser. We do know he has two kids.
Never assume any of those things, that is a terrible idea.
You are way to involved in a situation that is not inherently bad. Probably unwise, but only time will tell.
IMO you are overly emotional about the whole thing.
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Yeah, I actually just "blah"-ed all over the screen and typed what ever was on my mind.
She isn't supporting herself, she lives with the parents. She works but can't pay for much herself. She just got out of high school a year or two ago, but hasn't done much else. While I know "age is but a number", I can't agree with a 41 year old, dating and...and doing what ever...people in a relationship do.
I said the only detail to be his age, as I don't know much else about him. Other things we assume, my parents and I included, are that he is an ex-drug attic, is very violent and a verbal abuser. We do know he has two kids.
Why would you.... assume that? You know what they say about assumptions.
Yeah, I actually just "blah"-ed all over the screen and typed what ever was on my mind.
She isn't supporting herself, she lives with the parents. She works but can't pay for much herself. She just got out of high school a year or two ago, but hasn't done much else. While I know "age is but a number", I can't agree with a 41 year old, dating and...and doing what ever...people in a relationship do.
I said the only detail to be his age, as I don't know much else about him. Other things we assume, my parents and I included, are that he is an ex-drug attic, is very violent and a verbal abuser. We do know he has two kids.
As you yourself said you don't know much about the man. You can't assume anything unless you have seen it or your sister has told you about it. You cannot force her to do what you want. If you want to continue a good relationship with your sister you'll need to let her make her own decisions. If she comes to you for advice or help, THAT'S when you offer it. Your sister is an adult. Young, but an adult. If this relationship is strong, it will last. If it is an infatuation, it will end and your sister will have learned a valuable lesson. All you can realistically do is be there when she needs you. If you destroy your relationship just so you can be proven right, you may lose her forever.
FWIW, my youngest sister began dating a teacher at her college who was over 20 years older than she was, divorced with 1 daughter my sister's age. She eventually lived with him, and several years later married him and moved overseas to be closer to the rest of his family. Some other members of our family expected the worst from all this, and were suspicious about him. My other sibling went so far as to criticize and lecture her endlessly about her "bad decisions" and her naivete. This sibling was convinced that she was always right and everyone else was wrong, and let everyone know it. Didn't work in this case. The two haven't been on civil terms for decades. She assumed this man would get her pregnant, tire of her, then abandon her. That never happened. They made a conscious decision to have children once financially settled overseas and were ready. They all get along fine with the husband's previous daughter. No conflict or tension that I've ever heard of.
Fast forward about 30 years. My sister and this much older man are still happily married with two lovely sons in college. The relationship with the critical sibling has never recovered. Could it have turned out badly? Sure. The point is, you can't force your sister to do something YOU feel is right especially if there is no reason for your insistence.
Last edited by Parnassia; 05-29-2018 at 12:55 AM..
I think it would be better if you and your parents supported her. I'm not saying to flat out condone her, but if she winds up needing help out of a bad situation - the last people she will go to are the people that will say "I told you so!"
Maybe encourage her to invite over the 41 year-old for dinner. Get to meet he guy. Socialize with him and her.
If your sister withdraws from your family because of how judgmental you and your parents are being, that will only make things worse. You can't control what she does, but you can control what you do. Keep the lines of communication open.
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