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My long-widowed mother and I are both "nice" and polite people, but we are also both introverted and very reserved with most people, including each other. We have always been this way to each other, as long as I can remember, and I am now 64 and she is 85. She is in fairly good health, lives by herself in her own home, and will probably live for at least several more years. My youngest sister who lives close to her is the family communicator. My other sister and I live many states away.
The current situation is that my mom just got out of the hospital after a two-night stay for what turned out to be a minor scare that involved a very simple fix. According to my sister, she is now fine and nothing else is required, but I feel that I should call her to express my concern, but our phone calls are always very awkward and usually leave me feeling very frustrated because they just emphasize how lacking in warmth our relationship is, and I almost always end up asking myself why I even bothered to call at all, and then I find myself stewing about it for hours afterward. I anticipate that it will go something like this, "Hi, Mom, Sue called and told me that you were in the hospital, but that you are okay. So how are you?" "Oh, I'm fine. Nothing to worry about." "Oh, that's good. I'm glad to hear it." (long pause) Mom: "So how are you?" "Oh, fine, nothing new really." (Long pause.) Mom; "Well, thanks for calling. Love you." "Love you, too. Bye."
The main problem between us is that I feel she didn't really love me and emotionally neglected me when I was a child and then used me as an unpaid servant when I was a teen -- believe me, it went WAY beyond just expecting me to do some minor housework. I moved out of state as soon as I could when I was 19, and ever since then, I have only received birthday and Christmas cards from her along with a modest check and when I got married the first time, her gift to us was an electric carving knife. ((I also send her cards and a small gift for birthday, Christmas, and Mothers Day.) We have probably averaged MAYBE one call a year for the past 45 years, and I go back to visit about once every five years, and that is just how it is. I have accepted this about our relationship, but as I said, I am really struggling and procrastinating about making the call just because I am dreading it so much.
Any suggestions?
P.S. I am going to call her right now, but I would still appreciate any advice.
UPDATE: I just got off the phone and it went exactly as I predicted, with the only exception that she spent about five minutes telling me exactly what happened and what the doctors did. But at least I feel good that I did make the call!
Geez, are you an older sister that I never knew about? This is pretty much how it goes with my parental units. I chose not to even deal with it anymore and don't even bother now. There's no love loss there.
But the reason that I chose that is because I realized that this is who they are, they are not going to change, and I can keep allowing myself to call up and hope for something different only to be let down again, (by myself thinking there was hope for something different), or I can let it go.
One thing that my mom did tell me, some years ago, and it took me awhile to get it because I was younger:
"Never expect anything from anybody."
She did not go into it further, she just left it there for me to figure out. And I figured it out.
Accept them for who they are, and fully accept it, or move on. Those are your choices. Or you could continue to feel bad, feel negative, feel bitter and resentful for things that you think you didn't get, or the way you were treated many years ago.
It's not going to change the history. That will never go away. Nothing will ever revise that history.
She's in her 80s. She's not going to change, your relationship is not going to change. The only thing that can change is how you deal with that fact.
Maybe you just accept her the way she is then and accept also her limitations? Maybe you let down your guard first and be honest about how you feel regarding her. Can you afford to visit the area where she and your sister live for a week or two? There might be some value in flying/driving out and just inviting her on mother/daughter outings. Or maybe ask her to go on a short weekend vacation with you somewhere you'd both enjoy.
I have a certain appreciation for people with contained personalities. My mother is very emotive and can be very warm and affectionate - just watch out when her mood changes. Consider maybe the things your mom did for you when you were a kid and how they may have been her way of expressing her love.
Some people are very shut down. I'm impressed that you have an amiable relationship with her, and that suggests to me that she was indeed a loving parent, just not very emotive and you were a loving daughter. I have some very warm female friends who are mothers, and I have always wished I had that experience of motherly genuine warmth without manipulation or that constant fear of attack - they are genuinely close with their daughters. Watching them with their children or talking about them truly warms my heart.
Another thing you may try is to send her cards regularly telling you how much you appreciate her. Call more often and do it without expectation. You didn't get the mother you wanted in many ways, but it sounds like you got a pretty good one. Hugs to you.
Before my mother died, I told her how I felt. We both knew she was dying, although she wouldn't admit it to herself. I told her that I had always felt that she and my father had always behaved as though the last and least of everything was good enough for me, in direct contrast with how they had treated my siblings. It was true, too. She tried to deny it, and then she listened. She didn't change her behavior, but at least I got to say it.
I try to behave differently with my own kids.
i think that it helped me to tell her how I felt.
Maybe it would help YOU to tell her, while she still has the marbles to understand, that you're sad that the two of you never were closer, and that you wished it had been different.
I send cards since talking is impossible. I pick cards not for her taste, but that reflect - how to put this - the kind of daughter I would have liked to have been if I'd had the right mother. A woman and children on the beach holding hands that says The only thing in life worth holding onto is each other. A mother cat and kitten sending a kiss for your birthday. I once said to my husband that she'll have a wonderful time talking about this card and its deep psychological message about me and he said no matter what card you send, she'll have something to say, so do what you want. So now I do.
Find a card that says all the things you are wrestling with inside and put your name on the bottom and mail it. No awkward conversation, honest message sent, and you don't have to be disappointed in her reaction because you won't hear a thing. You be you, don't let her stop you.
Good question! I guess what I would just like to know is how to be able to talk to her without getting upset afterward about her lack of warmth toward me (and my lack of feeling for her). Again, she IS a nice person and has never been abusive, but I guess I am just realizing that if she dies before I do, that I probably won't feel very much about it, and that makes me sad.
What you have to realise is that our emotions are purely our own affair and no-one else is responsible for making us feel anything. It is ALL in our own head.
So from that perspective, you have to work on yourself to get to know yourself better, to feel better about yourself, and to feel better about the relationship with your mum in general. We all have to allow others to be themselves and to offer them the opportunity to be friends, to reach out to them and offer them our love. If they take it, then fine, if they dont, then that is also fine.
Parents are no different to other people and once they have done their duty in bringing you to adulthood, there is no reason or obligation they have to like you or you, them. However, having said that most parents/kids get on well but obviously some dont due to difficulties in childhood. What I am saying is that personality differences do occur just like with colleagues at work. You do not like everyone you meet and this applies to parents too. So I think you need to sit down and really think about how you interact with people and to come to some kind of agreement with yourself that you can only do your best in each situation you encounter. Stop beating yourself up for what you see as what you SHOULD feel (as a daughter).
As an addendum to what others have said about writing your thoughs down and mailing them to her, you dont actually have to mail that letter. Just the act of writing it, expressing it on paper can be very revealing to you. So it might be an alternative if you do not feel like baring your soul to your mum.
If this iissue is really bothering you, you might want to see someone in a professional capacity and talk it through with them and to understand how it all fits together in your mind. I appears that you might still have some anger about the way you were treated as a child/teen and that may have some bearing on the way you feel. If you want to handle these issues by yourself, then you might want to look up EFT which can probably help you feel better and reduce the intensity of feelings you currently have towards your mum.
She has the power, always has. Didn't stop by running away. She can still victimize you. I know it hurts. Btdt. Once I caught on, I refused to give her the power. She played those games my whole life. She became meaner once she figured out she couldn't control me. Of course my mother had an evil streak a mile wide. Hopefully yours doesn't but mom's are unique individuals who can really screw us up. Keep being nice. Glad you called and she's okay.
I thank ALL of you for ALL your great advice and posts! I wish that I could rep all of you, but I ran out last night. I will think about what all of you have said, and I will ACT on it!
Thank you all again so very much!
P.S. I especially like the idea about sending her a "no special occasion" card now and then! And, no, it is not practicable right now for me to visit -- and, just btw, we did go back for her 85th birthday celebration as part of our vacation six months ago.
Good question! I guess what I would just like to know is how to be able to talk to her without getting upset afterward about her lack of warmth toward me (and my lack of feeling for her). Again, she IS a nice person and has never been abusive, but I guess I am just realizing that if she dies before I do, that I probably won't feel very much about it, and that makes me sad.
I'm with the others who say to just try your best to be the daughter you would want to be to the mother you wish you had. She's the way she is but it doesn't sound as if she's mean or totally unfeeling toward you.
You know, there's emotionally cold as a kind of lack of warmth as you have described and then there's really emotionally cold.
Good luck to you and I hope you will feel better about it going forward.
Good question! I guess what I would just like to know is how to be able to talk to her without getting upset afterward about her lack of warmth toward me (and my lack of feeling for her). Again, she IS a nice person and has never been abusive, but I guess I am just realizing that if she dies before I do, that I probably won't feel very much about it, and that makes me sad.
The trick is to learn to accept your mother as she is and not to internalize the interactions. Just take it as you called said hi and whatever else happens is all good even if it's hi/how are you/bye. Look for longer interactions with your sister or friends. How you feel about your mother's death is ok, but don't dwell on it. Feel sad you didn't have a better relationship, but move on. You had what you had, some have better some have far worse. I don't know how your mom was in person, but if interactions are better in person maybe a visit, if not then go on as you are. We can't love everyone, even our own family.
Good question! I guess what I would just like to know is how to be able to talk to her without getting upset afterward about her lack of warmth toward me (and my lack of feeling for her). Again, she IS a nice person and has never been abusive, but I guess I am just realizing that if she dies before I do, that I probably won't feel very much about it, and that makes me sad.
It makes you sad, because it is sad, OP. I'm in similar situation. I didn't have a nice childhood, and was abused. By my father, but my mother too, I can say. My father is dead, my mother is not. She never showed me much love, at least I don't remember it, and is still distant until today. But I guess I play a part in the distance. I'm sad that I don't really feel love towards her, I'm saying to myself that I guess I love her, but that's just my comfort. I'm upset that I don't have the feeling inside me, I would love to say that I miss my mom. I'm sad and angry, because I miss having a nice, loving mom, and I think that's why you are sad, too.
And when I talk about my parents, I talk without emotions, any emotions. I'm not pissed, mad or sad. I viewing my childhood as a film, I just distanced myself from the memories. I know, there's nothing I can do about it today anymore. My mother didn't want to deal with it before and I don't want to deal with it now, not anymore.
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