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What are you getting out of this relationship? Please describe in detail.
*Shocker** .wait for it.
...keep waiting....
Okay here's the real deal 'some' folks aren't it in for the 'whats in it for me?'.
I know .strange in this era. But actually some folks actually do better giving then saying...hey what is the payoff here? (Emotional,status,etc).
Op: accentuate the positive. I'm sure that's what your cousin does when hanging out. If my relatives jumped online to speak of my shortcomings....it would say less about my weaknesses and more about them.
It’s not your job to save him from himself,nor be a enabling sidekick. You can love someone but need to keep a healthy distance. You are not wrong to want to do that.
There are probably at least two things going on, and even those aren't necessarily related.
1) He's an alcoholic. A whole range of people are such, from rich executives to poor losers. I work in psychiatry, so I see this regularly. Please -- though he won't listen to you -- never tell him to stop drinking abruptly. He could go into DTs (= delirium tremens), and 10% of patients who do die. For starters, he needs to be detoxed and treated in an inpatient setting.
BTW, most alcoholics deny they are such. They are their own worst enemies. As long as they don't get into trouble with the law (e.g. DWI), they think they are okay. No, they aren't okay -- they are screwed up. Even if they do get into trouble with the law, they minimize it -- in other words, they continue to maintain they don't have a problem.
2) What is the second thing going on? It is hard to tell, but he is an odd duck anyway (that is, even if he didn't drink). Hoarding itself is listed as a disorder in DSM-5 (= Diagnostic and Statistical Manual). But he still isn't what we call "normal". It makes me wonder if he has some trace(s?) of autism spectrum disorder. For example, I have an adolescent patient that looks kind of normal, but he is way way off base. If he works at a filling station and they pay him, he will cash the check and spend all fifty dollars on junk food before he gets home. It doesn't matter how his parents discipline him. He continues to flounder around, making poor choices and apparently never learning from his mistakes, which are many.
So who knows what that other element (or elements) are. There is no medication to fix him, and gentle to rough reprimand is like spitting in the wind. That means counselling or CBT (= cognitive behavioral therapy) is worthless in this instance. I don't mean to be glum, but after 50 years of this thinking and behavior, I don't think anything will change, regardless.
Call Al-Anon, today. It's for family and friends of alcoholics, and they've seen and heard everything. They can answer any questions you may have and offer great suggestions about dealing with your alcoholic relative.
They can also help you learn how to create and keep good boundaries and now to distinguish between your stuff and his stuff, so that this situation doesn't absorb so much of your own life and energy.
You don't necessarily have to cut him off entirely - but you don't need to be either enabling or controlling, either. What you can do is take care of yourself, and let any negative consequences from his excessive drinking fall where they should - upon him.
So - you could go to a movie or a play with him, but cut out the bar-hopping and home drinking afterwards. Just tell him you can't do it, take him home, and leave. He may still drink by himself, but you won't be a part of it. Confronting him about his drinking is likely to be unproductive, especially if you try to do this alone (a group intervention with other significant people whom he values may have a better outcome, especially if you have a residential treatment option set up for him to immediately enter after the intervention). Again, Al-Anon can offer great advice. Reading about alcoholism and typical behavior patterns of alcoholics may also be helpful to you. But give Al-Anon a call first. Today.
He prefers alcohol over social norms. Glad you're nice to him. He'll either pickle himself or he'll snap out of it.
DO NOT DRINK WITH HIM. Don't ever pretend that how he's living is okay.
Wonder if he'd be willing to give up alcohol for a ... month... for a hundred dollars. Or how much would it take for him to give it up? Probably not a million because he just won't do it. Sad.
My brother was like this only he was a fanatic about his house being cleaned. I tried to help him until he passed away. I did it because he lived with our mother. So I was actually taking care of her. He was a bully at times, mean and a drunk, but he did have times when he was nice. I never drank so we never spent time drinking. Instead he liked to fix things so we would talk about this. I learned there was little I could do except keep my mother safe. She wouldn't leave him said he would be alone and he feared being alone.
Sounds like he's worked hard to push everyone from his life. I'm sure it's a major driving factor in the drinking, who wants to be alone?
Bottom line is that if he doesn't want to change, he won't. Nothing you can do about that. If he wanted to change, he has all the tools to do so.
I used to stick my nose where it didn't belong, meddle in others affairs when I saw a way where it could be better for them (no benefit for me outside of feeling good for helping someone). It backfired 99% of the time. I made people angry, to the point where they cut ties in a number of cases. I don't do that anymore, people don't want "help", they want comfort in their misery.
Great post, Brian. I agree with this viewpoint. My family has lots of drunks and pointing out their problems to them does not nothing other than they deny they have a problem and they get angry. No one wants to hear criticism, addict or not. Just a basic fact of life. As an adult I find the best way to deal with it is to minimize contact with addicts (any type), who can bring you down or you get somehow caught in between their problems.
To the OP, use your own judgment about your troubled older cousin. It's probably better for you not be around an addict much or if you do, do so on your terms and boundaries.
There are probably at least two things going on, and even those aren't necessarily related.
1) He's an alcoholic. A whole range of people are such, from rich executives to poor losers. I work in psychiatry, so I see this regularly. Please -- though he won't listen to you -- never tell him to stop drinking abruptly. He could go into DTs (= delirium tremens), and 10% of patients who do die. For starters, he needs to be detoxed and treated in an inpatient setting.
BTW, most alcoholics deny they are such. They are their own worst enemies. As long as they don't get into trouble with the law (e.g. DWI), they think they are okay. No, they aren't okay -- they are screwed up. Even if they do get into trouble with the law, they minimize it -- in other words, they continue to maintain they don't have a problem.
2) What is the second thing going on? It is hard to tell, but he is an odd duck anyway (that is, even if he didn't drink). Hoarding itself is listed as a disorder in DSM-5 (= Diagnostic and Statistical Manual). But he still isn't what we call "normal". It makes me wonder if he has some trace(s?) of autism spectrum disorder. For example, I have an adolescent patient that looks kind of normal, but he is way way off base. If he works at a filling station and they pay him, he will cash the check and spend all fifty dollars on junk food before he gets home. It doesn't matter how his parents discipline him. He continues to flounder around, making poor choices and apparently never learning from his mistakes, which are many.
So who knows what that other element (or elements) are. There is no medication to fix him, and gentle to rough reprimand is like spitting in the wind. That means counselling or CBT (= cognitive behavioral therapy) is worthless in this instance. I don't mean to be glum, but after 50 years of this thinking and behavior, I don't think anything will change, regardless.
This is interesting. That might explain the loud, overbearing motor-mouth personality, but not everyone who's like that would have a smidge or two of autism. I'm more inclined to think: NPD, which would explain his grandiose vision of himself as a mentor and parent-figure or "hero" to the OP, along with the apparent absence of conversational/social skills and modulating ability. I guess autism would explain the lack of basic life skills, though: no driving, can't cook, no girlfriend, ever. His "condition" could be a combination of both, and more, too.
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