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As the title pretty much suggest, this is about a cousin of mine. He's 50 years of age and hasn't really achieved a whole lot, at all, in life. I love this cousin and overall he's NOT a bad person at all, is harmless and means well for all those that he loves in his life. However, he's always been the type of guy to be over-the-top in terms of his persona. He can be overbearing, loud, talks non-stop and doesn't shut up sometimes. He definitely has some sort of condition but I'm not sure if he was over diagnosed but this is besides the point.
In a lot of ways he's an adult child. One good thing is that he does have a job and supports himself so that's very good. Otherwise, again, he is an adult-child. He doesn't know how to cook, lives sloppily and like a hoarder, doesn't have a license or know how to drive, doesn't know how to use a laptop, never had a girlfriend therefore never had a serious relationship. Ever. Obviously not married etc. What he does with his personal life however, isn't my concern. The point is, I very much love the guy but his ways have prevented me from hanging out with him. You see, on top of all his short comings, he's an alcoholic. And every time we hangout, he'll drink round the clock and just wants to do the same'ol thing. Usually consist of him and I hitting up a theater, going to his favorite bar, then back to his place to drink some more. Where he'll play music and sing along drunkingly then watch some of his favorite shows or movies on VHS. VHS. He's also about 20 years older then I and he still wants to try and be "my hero" or look to me as his nephew of some sort. The thing is, I've taught this guy much more many more skills then he's taught me (how to cook is one of them, though he just doesn't ever try it). I've also told him honestly, that he isn't my idol, I don't look up to him and he isn't an uncle to me. Not in a harsh way but just to lay it out and for him to respect as the man as I am. Not as someone whom he feels he has to "show the way".
The thing is the guy is just a sad case and he's just WAY too comfortable with his ways. I've told him and invited him to try many different activities with me but he just wants to stick with what he knows best. He wants to live in denial and deal with his issues by being an alcoholic. And he would drunk call me every other night at odd hours, leaving voice mails in a drunken state talking gibberish. About two months ago I told him to stop leaving me drunken voicemails and that he needs to look for a better outlet in life and find an activity that's going to build him up rather than drinking alone, in his apartment on a Saturday night. In which he replied "I don't drink that much".
Again, not to reiterate but I really do love this guy but I also find it depressing to be around him. I want to be there for him since he really doesn't have many or any friends. At the same time, I just can't be around someone who doesn't want to better themselves. I can't hangout with someone whom I has no interest in doing different things and where I don't feel inspired in some way. It's not to say he has to be "Action Jackson" but I just don't feel like anything productive comes out of being with him. I'm all for catching up and having a few beers and shooting the breeze but that's not the case with him. Its just a sad existence he lives and it just makes me feel depressed. I want to be there for him, help him better himself but he also has to want that. I'm not going to try and play super hero.
Sounds like he's worked hard to push everyone from his life. I'm sure it's a major driving factor in the drinking, who wants to be alone?
Bottom line is that if he doesn't want to change, he won't. Nothing you can do about that. If he wanted to change, he has all the tools to do so.
I used to stick my nose where it didn't belong, meddle in others affairs when I saw a way where it could be better for them (no benefit for me outside of feeling good for helping someone). It backfired 99% of the time. I made people angry, to the point where they cut ties in a number of cases. I don't do that anymore, people don't want "help", they want comfort in their misery.
He's a lush and his boozing overrides his supposedly "good intentions" (we only that phrase for people who screw up); he's an overbearing bore and a loudmouth , and bottom line is like the first - he is a lush.
Your company is an entertainment for him, but a help?
You've gotten a good close-up of a lush's life, now move on.
It’s not your job to save him from himself,nor be a enabling sidekick. You can love someone but need to keep a healthy distance. You are not wrong to want to do that.
You're "friends" with him out of sympathy, not shared values and interests. If you aren't getting something out of this relationship that has value to you, set boundaries and stick to them. He's an adult, which makes him responsible for his own life and problems. He's an alcoholic and you are enabling him to continue on this destructive path when you join in with him. Maybe its time to get off this merry-go-round.
You have had zero effect on this person's life, trying to change him. You can lead a horse to water but can't make him thirsty. Outside of the drunk calls he hasn't effected you either. Either accept him the way he is or cool the relationship.
Call Al-Anon, today. It's for family and friends of alcoholics, and they've seen and heard everything. They can answer any questions you may have and offer great suggestions about dealing with your alcoholic relative.
They can also help you learn how to create and keep good boundaries and now to distinguish between your stuff and his stuff, so that this situation doesn't absorb so much of your own life and energy.
You don't necessarily have to cut him off entirely - but you don't need to be either enabling or controlling, either. What you can do is take care of yourself, and let any negative consequences from his excessive drinking fall where they should - upon him.
So - you could go to a movie or a play with him, but cut out the bar-hopping and home drinking afterwards. Just tell him you can't do it, take him home, and leave. He may still drink by himself, but you won't be a part of it. Confronting him about his drinking is likely to be unproductive, especially if you try to do this alone (a group intervention with other significant people whom he values may have a better outcome, especially if you have a residential treatment option set up for him to immediately enter after the intervention). Again, Al-Anon can offer great advice. Reading about alcoholism and typical behavior patterns of alcoholics may also be helpful to you. But give Al-Anon a call first. Today.
OP, why wouldn't you distance yourself from him? That would definitely be the healthy thing to do. You have our permission to dial back the buddy-ship, guilt-free. . For your own sanity.
And don't worry about what might happen to him. At least he's able to hold down a job. Hopefully, he's contributing to a retirement plan through his employment.
Your story reminded me of my brother, but with a couple of differences. No alcoholism, but he quit a good career he'd launched in his mid-30's, and has lived off his wife the rest of his working-age years. Somehow, these types manage to stumble through life relatively unscathed, and oblivious to the effect they have on others, including their family members. They're so convinced of their hero status, they don't notice that family members distance themselves from them to the extent possible. Your cuz may not even notice, or probably wouldn't think anything of it, even if he did notice.
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. For your own sanity. 
