Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I feel as if several of my friends (two particular friends) have gotten some sort of satisfaction from being smug and judgmental towards me regarding romantic relationships. I have stopped communicating with them regarding this topic, but it still weighs on me with the resentment I have towards them and myself for allowing their words and attitudes to play in my head to this day and reinforce doubts I have.
Dating can be difficult and I naively thought I could turn to a few longtime friends to discuss these difficulties and the insecurities that can result. I was wrong. Maybe I gave them a license to feel superior by even expressing my concerns, but it's a hard pill to swallow when I have supported them in the past and weighed my words carefully when asked for an opinion to remain neutral, go over what was presented by them as fact, and not sugarcoat things but give a potentially positive view they may have not considered. I am an introspective person and am willing to consider what I may have done or not done in situations I am in. Instead of getting the same support I've given them, I got the attitude of whatever my actions were that the opposite would have been the way to go. It came across as an opportunity to play some blame game in order to put me down and let me know that I'm a joke and I'm the only one who hasn't seen it yet. The fault finding got to the point that I got told that TWO phone calls (one of which was a return call I had missed) over a several week span to a man showing interest was me putting too much pressure on him for why things did not progress past the initial dating stage! It didn't matter... if I showed a return interest I was wrong, if I held back some I was wrong... according to them. What got me the most was when I had expressed things were going well with someone and was reasonable in saying they seemed promising and I hoped that meant there would be a progression, they brought up negative things that hadn't even happened as if they just "knew" nothing would ever work for me under the guise of being "helpful and realistic".
Part of me reasons this was done out of jealousy. By society standards I am more physically attractive than them, look younger, am a fitness competitor, have a more education, and going to receive an inheritance and not have to work if I choose not to. Just so you know, I did not flaunt these things to them, but the petty part of me regrets not doing so now and making them feel as insignificant as they did to me.
I am confident for the most part in different areas of my life, but it can be difficult during low times to not have doubts and question myself whether I have flaws I am unaware of, if I did something that could have been avoided, or could have done something more, or if I am really just the fool they put out I am when what seems like a promising start with a man trails off.
I understand that what they said only has as much power as I give it, but I am having a hard time getting it out of my head when I feel low about things. It's a slow torturing of myself when I give in to telling myself they were right and I'd better just face it.
I feel as if several of my friends (two particular friends) have gotten some sort of satisfaction from being smug and judgmental towards me regarding romantic relationships. I have stopped communicating with them regarding this topic, but it still weighs on me with the resentment I have towards them and myself for allowing their words and attitudes to play in my head to this day and reinforce doubts I have.
Dating can be difficult and I naively thought I could turn to a few longtime friends to discuss these difficulties and the insecurities that can result. I was wrong. Maybe I gave them a license to feel superior by even expressing my concerns, but it's a hard pill to swallow when I have supported them in the past and weighed my words carefully when asked for an opinion to remain neutral, go over what was presented by them as fact, and not sugarcoat things but give a potentially positive view they may have not considered. I am an introspective person and am willing to consider what I may have done or not done in situations I am in.
Instead of getting the same support I've given them, I got the attitude of whatever my actions were that the opposite would have been the way to go. It came across as an opportunity to play some blame game in order to put me down and let me know that I'm a joke and I'm the only one who hasn't seen it yet. The fault finding got to the point that I got told that TWO phone calls (one of which was a return call I had missed) over a several week span to a man showing interest was me putting too much pressure on him for why things did not progress past the initial dating stage! It didn't matter... if I showed a return interest I was wrong, if I held back some I was wrong... according to them.
What got me the most was when I had expressed things were going well with someone and was reasonable in saying they seemed promising and I hoped that meant there would be a progression, they brought up negative things that hadn't even happened as if they just "knew" nothing would ever work for me under the guise of being "helpful and realistic".
Part of me reasons this was done out of jealousy. By society standards I am more physically attractive than them, look younger, am a fitness competitor, have a more education, and going to receive an inheritance and not have to work if I choose not to. Just so you know, I did not flaunt these things to them, but the petty part of me regrets not doing so now and making them feel as insignificant as they did to me.
I am confident for the most part in different areas of my life, but it can be difficult during low times to not have doubts and question myself whether I have flaws I am unaware of, if I did something that could have been avoided, or could have done something more, or if I am really just the fool they put out I am when what seems like a promising start with a man trails off.
I understand that what they said only has as much power as I give it, but I am having a hard time getting it out of my head when I feel low about things. It's a slow torturing of myself when I give in to telling myself they were right and I'd better just face it.
For future use, adding some more air to a wall of text will get you more readers.
So, are you willing to concede these friends aren't much in the way of friends? Or are you willing to see that some of what they said may have had some validity even if you didn't like their delivery?
Your hurt feelings are one thing. The idea that you wish you had thrown some things in their faces to get back at them might have given you some temporary satisfaction but would not have worked as you think it might.
I think some more introspection would benefit you. It could be them; it could be how you are hearing their criticism through the veil of your own doubts.
There is not one human (sane ones, anyway) on the face of the earth that likes to feel judged and put down. But the reasons in your case may not all be external. They tapped into feelings you already have about yourself. And, we all have them. You need to find a way to process them without torturing yourself and eating yourself up with resentment. Some of that may be to acknowledge that they weren't just being smug and judgmental ... or jealous.
Or you can just cut them loose and see if that fixes anything.
What got me the most was when I had expressed things were going well with someone and was reasonable in saying they seemed promising and I hoped that meant there would be a progression, they brought up negative things that hadn't even happened as if they just "knew" nothing would ever work for me under the guise of being "helpful and realistic".
Part of me reasons this was done out of jealousy. .
You're right. It's jealousy. Sometimes people don't want to see someone else in a happy relationship, because they aren't in one either. Misery loves company. There is likely no validity at all to their criticisms. When I married my (now) spouse I had tons of criticism from people, even some who said they wouldn't attend our wedding because they thought he was only marrying me to get a green card. I was even harassed by one "friend" who was angry about my marriage, and eventually talked to a lawyer about getting a restraining order so she'd stop sending me ugly emails and phone calls. I've been married to my husband for 15 years now. Most people I've known didn't last that long in their marriages. If you can't cut these people out of your life right away try to at least stop communicating for a while.
OP, I cut to the cliffs notes version of your story but I'm gonna tell you, I've been there.
Years ago I had a so-called "friend" who put me down , tried to make me feel lower than dirt and told everyone who'd listen what they thought was gonna happen to me (I'd get fired from my job, I'd lose this, that, whatever). Turns out this ex-friend lost his job! He was a high school dropout - had several opportunities to go back for diploma but never did. Meanwhile, I'd finished college, have had two careers, and been somewhat successful in my endeavors - while he's working a dead end job.
When people see you moving forward, they'll do and say anything to pull you back. I finally told him: "I'm going forward with my life...your words only keep you back, and further compel me to keep moving forward!" You know the story of how the tortoise beat the hare, right? The hare may have had speed, but the tortoise had wisdom!
Friends don't always last forever. Hate to say it, friends belong in different chapters of your life, then you turn a page.
Childhood friends? There are only so many that withstand the test of time. You have work friends,school friends,friends from the street you grew up on. They come and go.
Never display a vulnerability to friends, they will only poke jokes, for kicks,on your behalf. If the don't like who you pick for a life partner, too bad,their loss. Your gain as well,cause now you know who you are really dealing with.
If you seek guidance on something,find a trusted uncle or aunt that can keep their mouth shut. Never go to a parent. Go to a therapist as well,to learn tools that help life work better for you.
Remember,the less you share ,the less they can talk crap of. Some bull crap friends think it's ok to make fun of your situation. Some B's a friend will protest your wedding,f her! If someone can't respect the fact that you are making such a serious decision in your life, that shows alot about charector. They don't care about you.
We don't marry someone to make others happy . That is just crazy. For some friend to have such an expectation is immature. Even if it's family. You can't respect my other half,my decision, you can't be in my circle, so see ya!
The reality is even very attractive people with everything going for them deal with issues in life. Everyone does. Everyone struggles with something, somewhere. Life is a great equalizer.
If you have the kind of relationships where there isn't mutual support, or where there is unhealthy competition, it's important to recognize that and find a different path. There's really no point in adding more pain to something if it isn't working.
anything they won't work for in themselves will be an excuse to put you down.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
