Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
JerZ, I will speak for what I noted in your responses to Blueskiesfromrain. I don't think there was an angry agenda - your first comments to BSFR were invalidating, diminishing, and critical based on your appraisal of BSFR's commentary - 'that was half-century or so ago'; this is followed up with a comment 'you should be honest when replying and mention your posts are based on very old laws,' which in itself suggests there is a lack of honesty or that laws nowadays may be better than those from long ago, and we closed those loopholes. This is particularly noted when you state 'You made your reply as if these issues you speak of regarding your childhood are as applicable today as they were when you were a child. They are not,' (they actually are applicable today, but that's a whole different watermelon of a topic).
In reading your posts here, you are able to affirm it is in truth no better today than in the past, but the OP is making a point that the abuse of boys / men is prevalent, and based on research, the only thing that has changed is reporting. Research findings are based on qualitative reports as BSFR offers and from other personal anecdotes. It is not uncommon and once we have qualitative data, we can extract objective standards (statistics, percentages, and other fascinating numbers) to discuss frequency, prevalence, and other commonalities and/or peculiarities in these reports and acknowledge it as a common/uncommon problem.
I have been a victim advocate for decades, and regularly discuss with folks their abuse histories - there is more than appears in most data sets because people don't report it and family's diminish the impact. There is a common mindset 'no one understands,' and when this is applied to cases of males being victimized, they more commonly withdraw and recant. The one case prominent for me is when I had worked with a man who was threatened with knives and being violently violated in his sleep - it didn't add up to much comfort until he was put in a safe house with his children, and protected against a very ornery woman who soon became his ex-wife. And this was broadly supported by HER family, because cash and support were prominent in the picture. She was a very intelligent, well-versed, polished person who's family would be available during police interviews and would support a fabricated report of her offering a counter-attack against his violence. And given scenarios of mutual combat/aggressors, these stories are more common than those where men are the simple victims of DV.
I don't think BSFR had an angry agenda or came out like gangbusters as much as was providing a very personal POV on an overlooked subject. Guys DON'T talk about it, they ARE perceived as wimps, the abuse IS more often than not swept under the rug, or their commentary IS minimized or invalidated. JerZ, while you were later able to offer support, it was AFTER you made such critical comments - it is almost as though you had to diminish the OP's commentary and then make similar comments, like it was a new discovery. It is also noted that you comment 'it happens to women,' which is pretty much standard knowledge now - men HAVEN'T been provided advocacy or forums for the same, and I think that is what the OP was aiming for, in creating this post. It is sadly incredibly nuanced, but I can see the relative antagonism between you and BSFR.
With that said, I would believe DV with male victims is in the Romantic Relationships forum because it can be so much a part of what is commonly interwoven in romantic relationships with women, and we speak out against all violence. Understanding, creating bridges, differentiating and finding common links and correcting misperceptions is at the forefront of advocacy. I can concede nevertheless it can be re-assigned to a mental health or other thread, but then it won't be seen by those who need it in relationships, who cannot parse the fine lines between ignorance, boorishness, miscommunication, kinky, sexual schemas and scripts, and abuse/violence. Guys are not often told to 'listen to your feelings' as other feelings typically get in the way of the affect found in violence and abuse.
If the mods seek to move it, I wouldn't be disappointed either.
I think probably, instead of taking OP's threads together as a whole, I should have answered them individually. My impressions were based on another thread as well and in fact I somehow mixed the two and answered some of these points on the other thread. My mistake as it turned out to be confusing.
"1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have been victims of [some form of] physical violence by an intimate partner within their lifetime.1
1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men have been victims of severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime.1
"
I don't consider that as "uncommon". Furthermore, men are less likely to come forward AND have less resources available to them when they do seek help (Lack of shelters that accept men is a common issue discussed in other circles). They are also less likely to seek divorce even in such bad situations.
Here's one that suggests that women engage in violence in the civilian community 16% of the time, and in the military community 23% of the time. It is not that uncommon.
It happened to me, not once but twice. I am a hetero male and a feminist to boot. I support equality and mutuality. I don't hit and don't commit violence. I've been perpetrated against. It's out there.
There's studies that show the highest percentages of DV is within lesbian couples.
My wife had a bit of an anger problem. She abused my oldest son which ultimately destroyed him. She abused me too (not physically - I'm no weakling). I tried stopping her, restraining her and so on all to no avail. I did manage to protect him some when I was home. It wasn't bad enough to report though (or so I thought). Only once he had taken his life did she admit to have been too harsh on him.
I have seen other mothers being overly harsh on their small kids though. Smacking included.
Sorry to hear about your loss, my condolences.
My mother was more abusive towards my father than me. Though I would get called names if I didn't do things right or I made mistakes on my math homework whenever she was trying to teach me.
If I didn't get the right answers on my math exercises, she would rip off the page from my notebook and go into a ranting on how stupid I was. Sometimes it would be followed by a slap.
As a result, I ended up hating math so badly.
Violence isn’t a gender centric trait, nor should it be treated as one.
In my life time I have seen it happen pretty much equally across the households I have been privy to the inner workings of.
I think any male past the age of 45 has had a run in with violent spouses or some form of DV at some point.
I myself was in an abusive situation when I was younger with someone. The (apparent) thinking by that indivual was since I was the perceived “dominant and commanding” gender that I should be able to take and handle all the pressure they may choose to give me as the “demure and innocent” one.
While this was true of me at the time, I could take take the violence and harm she would attempt on me...Our relationship fell apart when I seen this behavior translated on to her son who was only a toddler at the time.
Things like these are just not seen the same way by people who inflict or authorize it.
Last edited by rego00123; 03-25-2018 at 11:51 AM..
I know a family in which the mom was the abuser, and the dad was the battered spouse. The two girls who grew up in that situation not only left the family household as soon as they could (college), they both moved to another country, where they eventually found jobs and settled down. They got as far away from their mother as they could.
Similarly I moved out (to another state) shortly after my HS graduation. There was a time, I felt resentment towards my mother. One day I didn't give her anything for her b-day nor mother's day; didn't even call her.
I'm a woman in my early 30's and my parents are still married. This might be weird but during my whole childhood years all the way to my early teen years, only my mother was the violent one that would fly into uncontrollable rages. My father never reported her.
I saw every single episode when I was a kid. That whole time, my father would remain silent waiting for her to calm down. He never hit her but only try restraining her a couple times to get her to stop scratching him. Once it was all worked out, she would always end up apologizing, till one day she admitted she needed help; the day she got into anger management and the violence was gone for good.
Not sure how common this is but I think this is a rare case. In addition, my father never even spanked any of us; he was the good guy. I never shared this with any of my friends. I have a feeling most people are going to think that's weird and they would have a hard time believing such a sweet lady would be capable of doing that. Not sure if I'm one of the few people that grew up in a violent household where it was only my mother being the violent one.
I grew up this way. Physically and emotionally abusive grandmother. No one reported her. I don't think it is normal for women to be more violent than men, but that doesnt mean there are no violent women.
I don't look at the men in these relationships as 'good' just because they aren't being abusive too. They are the abusers enabler. My grandmother could have never succeeded as the violent creature she was without my grandfather keeping his mouth shut or otherwise covering for her.
Look at serial killers. The majority of serial killers are men, but there are still a few women on the rolls too.
This has ventured off of Romantic Relationships, moving to Non-Romantic
__________________ ____________________________________________
My posts as a Mod will always be in red.
Be sure to review Terms of Service: TOS
And check this out: FAQ
Moderator: Relationships Forum / Hawaii Forum / Dogs / Pets / Current Events
I grew up this way. Physically and emotionally abusive grandmother. No one reported her. I don't think it is normal for women to be more violent than men, but that doesnt mean there are no violent women.
I don't look at the men in these relationships as 'good' just because they aren't being abusive too. They are the abusers enabler. My grandmother could have never succeeded as the violent creature she was without my grandfather keeping his mouth shut or otherwise covering for her.
Look at serial killers. The majority of serial killers are men, but there are still a few women on the rolls too.
It may be less common for women to be violent, but it's not uncommon for women to be emotionally/psychologically abusive. People with personality disorders come in both genders. And it's said that the emo/psychological abuse is more insidious, and just as damaging, as physical abuse, but it tends to get overlooked or discounted. Also, psych abuse is not something that gets reported. Emotional wounds don't show, while physical ones do. Actually, emotional ones can be discerned by an experienced teacher or pediatrician, but being a narcissistic or Borderline Personality isn't illegal, or something that gets reported, in any case.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
