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We have been friends for 15 years.
She met a guy 6 years ago and a month later she was pregnant (he told her he didn’t like condoms)
She only has me left as a friend.
She works 4 days a week and has 3 days off.
We used to meet every Thursday then conveniently he started taking Thursdays off,then we changed it to Fridays and he changed his hours.
Haven’t seen her in 4 months.
He doesn’t start work till 4pm,so she won’t leave him as he makes her feel guilty leaving him alone to meet me.
Last week she text asking me to meet in town,I said yes great.
I’m waiting and waiting and then she texts saying she can’t come as her boyfriends friend has cancelled and he has nothing to do,she said she couldn’t leave him alone.
She ended up going into town with him.
I’ve been planning her birthday day out for months,then she turns around and says she can’t make it as he has no days off to babysit.
I say “he never has any days off?”
She says no he is starting his own business now.
So that’s it basically il never see her.
Would you bother trying?
I mentioned going for tea soon a few weeks ago with her son and she said yes deffo il let you know when ...obviously she hasn’t.
Is there any point?
This isn't the same friend you wrote about before, who got involved with a guy from another country (Italy, was it??), and then moved, or seriously talked about moving, with him back to his country?
This current scenario is sad. Well, it's more than sad; it's kind of scary. One thing abusers do, is try to isolate their partner from friends. And she's co-operating with that. She's knuckling under. That's worrisome. And it's quite clear that's what he's doing, what with the deliberate changing of his day off to coincide with the days you two were getting together.
So, IDK. Is there any point in trying to continue? Well, to leave off may give you peace of mind. OTOH, to keep an iron in the fire, at least, would mean that if anything terrible happened to her, you'd be in a position to provide some info to authorities. I mean, if she ever ended up as a battered partner.
I don't understand why she feels she has to babysit a grown adult. Other than the fact that he seems to be forcing her to do it; verbally coercing her. She should ask him point blank, why he repeatedly obstructs her efforts to get together with a friend, for simple conversation and company.
Let it go. Friendship requires two people to make an effort. You are down to one person, yourself. As people get older friends fall by the wayside. There's nothing you can do about it when the other person no longer cares.
Let it go. Friendship requires two people to make an effort. You are down to one person, yourself. As people get older friends fall by the wayside. There's nothing you can do about it when the other person no longer cares.
The situation the OP presents, though, is that her friend DOES care about maintaining the friendship. She's being held hostage, almost, by her boyfriend, though, who deliberately prevents her from getting together for tea and a chat.
That's the crux of the dilemma, I gather. If it were simply due to a friend losing interest, the decision would be easy. I must say, I'm on the fence about this, myself, as the OP outlines the situation.
IDK, OP; I guess we can't be other people's rescuers, can we? At some point, I guess you just have to let go, because the situation is out of your hands.
Maybe the thing to do, would be to tell her point blank (are you able to chat by phone, at least?), that you're concerned for her, and you're also sad about losing a friend. ( I wouldn't put this in a text message or email, in view of her bf's controlling manner.) You could tell her you understand that her bf is getting in the way of you two pursuing your friendship, and you don't know what to do. Ask her what she recommends; does she want to phase the friendship out, or does she want to keep trying?
If she apologizes, and says she meant to get back with you, and yes, by all means, she wants to keep you as a friend, you could tell her that it isn't working. So, while you'd love to see her, you'll have to leave the ball in her court.
At that point, you'll just have to move on with your life, and figure that if she does contact you, it will be a pleasant surprise, but realize that you can't count on her any longer.
Personally, I wouldn't "end" the friendship. She hasn't done anything maliciously to warrant ending the friendship. She's simply found herself in a toxic relationship that is keeping her from you. I would simply tell her that I understand that the current state of her life doesn't allow her to spend time with me, but that I care about her. And if she ever needs help, I'm just a phone call away. And then I would go on about my life, and quietly hope that she finds a way to extract herself from that relationship.
Your friend's boyfriend sounds very much like my ex-husband. He isolated me from my friends and family, and when I did go to spend time with them, he would ignore me for several days after, so many times I didn't go because I didn't want to face the consequences.
Luckily, I have dear friend who did not give up on me. She got me to go out with her more, and we even went on camping trips together. No matter how trapped I was by him, she always reached out. She was there for me when I finally left him, and was there for me when I divorced his a**.
You can be this friend for her.
Please don't give up on her. I know it's frustrating for you and hard to understand why she puts up with it. She will not leave him until she is ready, and when she ultimately does (hopefully) she will need you. Getting out of an abusive relationship is extremely difficult, and when you are in the middle of it, you can't or won't see the truth.
She hasn't done anything malicious, she's just got competing priorities right now. Talk to her when it works. Keep in touch via text, or online.... not everyone can give you a day every week.... people have other things going on.
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