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Frankly, I think that the American social culture is terrible. Friendships appear to be pretty disposable. Social interactions seem to be regimented, with things needing to be scheduled weeks in advance. Once you are over 25, there seems to be no spontaneity left. Everything needs to be planned - drinks on Thursday with Bob. Dinner on Saturday with Jane and Ray. And the three shall never meet.
The chances of me texting somebody and them agreeing on a short notice to meet up are slim. They will always have something to do. I need to get on their schedule for next weekend.
Nobody drops by. Even your closest friends. Jamal doesn’t stop on the way back from work to chat about politics and have a beer. The visit has to be coordinated days ahead.
There is very little spontaneity and just being with. In our countries you constantly see people just being with - sitting on a bench in the park, sitting at a cafe, walking by the river-front. You see that in America but it is different.
Anyway, it is just some observations. I know they are anecdotal, but I feel pretty comfortable generalizing based on them. I am very good at reading people and I have spent a lot of time reading, researching and observing American society. I think that our social interactions culture is terrible.
Breaking into existing friends groups is almost impossible. Friendships are disposable. If you move after 40, your only chance of a meaningful relationship is joining a meetup with other “lonely losers” like yourself. Your coworker is unlikely you to invite you to a BBQ. And if they do, their friends are highly unlikely to ask for your number and stay in touch unless you literally bend over backwards over several months. So you join a meetup.
Just so strange.
I'm fine with it. Probably because I'm anti-social. It's just a different culture. Don't expect all cultures to be the same.
I have found people seem to be the same all over....mind you, in the east, people are very busy, and city people learn to shy away from strangers....but overall, during my life time, I have found most people to be friendly and interesting, especially when your on vacation. People on Vacation seem to be a bit less stressed and willing to talk, b/c they have the time to....I've met some of the nicest people....and have had some memorable experiences with strangers.
Recently while talking with 2 IS people on the Telephone, I've been extremely impressed by their willingness to talk, (both women) and solve the problem. Very nice ladies.
I think people are simply busy, it's a busy world, working full time, running children around...doing housework, and trying to fit time in for R&R, movie, dance, meeting up with friends?
I have read through most of this thread and have only one thing to add. OP, your OPINION is that "American social culture is terrible" but many of us enjoy the ability to reserve time and space for ourselves and our loved ones without intrusion. The reasons for this have been very cogently explored by many responders. You have stated a value judgement, which cannot be proven as fact, and can definitely be disagreed with, as evidenced here.
In short, if you really believe that this culture is "terrible" you are lucky enough to belong to another culture (ethnic? lingual? social? don't know) which does not share traits with the US. It seems you are venting about the dominant culture here, but you have the option of immersing yourself in a different social culture far afield from where you currently live if that is indeed your preference.
As far as dropping in (and I am surprised no one mentioned this), am I the only one that usually hangs out in home in pajamas? If someone rings my door, I have to run upstairs first and get changed as my pajamas are flimsy and see through, but very comfy! My father in law used to do this, and we used to have to scream "hold on" and run upstairs to change. Plus then we have to grab the dogs and make sure they don't jump on any quests. It makes us look unprepared and out of sorts...because we were not ready for company. Not everyone is properly clothes and ready for company at any given notice. Forget even having beverages on hand for guests to drink, we don't always have beer, diet soda, etc. on hand because we don't drink them. We always have water though.
We, I, did lots of drop-ins when we were in our 20s. After that, and the party hats were mostly put away, we call.
Folks who just drop in without previous communication/arrangements after they're well into adulthood are just inconsiderate. You do not HAVE to open the door just because someone rings the bell. Like the phone, it's optional.
I'm dealing with a smidge of social discomfort lately in my group. I guess something that bothers me is the mentality where you have to put up these impenetrable walls, you can't even be nice to people, because "What do they want from me?" is always in the background...likewise the thing when in fact sometimes they DO have an agenda, even if they want to act like they don't. I have had loads of lovely interactions with all sorts of people where no, they really did not have any agenda. I can sense a certain ease, and I prefer to be open, to talk and share stories, to get to know people. That's wonderful. But then along comes some particular person...and in my lifetime, it's often been a sexual problem (I'm female) with a man...and oh, there it is. The agenda starts creeping in. And suddenly then, there I am, this open person who tries to be friendly with everybody, and it's all my fault that some guy is pushing my boundaries because I should not be so "open" to others. So what, I've got to be a jerk, or I can only expect to be pushed into situations where someone is trying to take advantage in some way? Really?
It might be one person out of 200 people I know, but that one experience is enough to make me wonder if I've got to change myself and be more guarded and less sociable. And I HATE that.
I'm dealing with a smidge of social discomfort lately in my group. I guess something that bothers me is the mentality where you have to put up these impenetrable walls, you can't even be nice to people, because "What do they want from me?" is always in the background...likewise the thing when in fact sometimes they DO have an agenda, even if they want to act like they don't. I have had loads of lovely interactions with all sorts of people where no, they really did not have any agenda. I can sense a certain ease, and I prefer to be open, to talk and share stories, to get to know people. That's wonderful. But then along comes some particular person...and in my lifetime, it's often been a sexual problem (I'm female) with a man...and oh, there it is. The agenda starts creeping in. And suddenly then, there I am, this open person who tries to be friendly with everybody, and it's all my fault that some guy is pushing my boundaries because I should not be so "open" to others. So what, I've got to be a jerk, or I can only expect to be pushed into situations where someone is trying to take advantage in some way? Really?
It might be one person out of 200 people I know, but that one experience is enough to make me wonder if I've got to change myself and be more guarded and less sociable. And I HATE that.
This
Where I live, if it isn't church people trying to get new members for their church, it is always solicitors trying to sell you stuff or men that hang outside bodegas that want your attention and not in the good way ( mostly for females. If male, they'll ask for money.) It is worse because they seemed to not take no for an answer when you try to kindly rebuff them so you have to be mean to get the point across. I have way too much on my plate to stop for everyone and would never get things done if I did.
You may find that an undercurrent of such subtle animosity is hard to avoid. Also being foreign-born, and coming to the US as a child, I find that even without a discernible accent or any deviation I'm appearance from the prevailing majority-norm, there is an inescapable feeling of not fully belonging.
It goes both ways. I am strange to others and they are strange to me. In the major cities, where so many denizens are transplants, be it from overseas or other US states or the countryside, there is a comity of mutual feeling, with all being from somewhere else, now coming together to make a society. But where most denizens are "natives", perhaps even for multiple generations, the insularity is most chafing. One's opinions will be greeted with skepticism, because one is not a proper member of the tribe. Especially contentious is to suggest, that all places, no matter how prosperous or advanced, could benefit from infusion of outside influence, and reexamination of settled ways. This strikes people as being the crude imposition of a boor and an ingrate. Oh well.
I felt the same way when living in Europe, even though the European friends I made were friendly and welcoming.
I read this entire thread as I find the sociology of it fascinating. I was waiting to see if someone echoed my thoughts and some words from GusLevy below come close.
OP, I've spent time in a country with a culture very much like what you describe. There's a beautiful more relaxed air, time goes slower and people naturally congregate on porches and cafes and think nothing of dropping in on each other.
Because a large amount of them are unemployed or underemployed. That is the reality of it. Families are more tightly knit and young people don't move out of their parent's home as many times there is maybe one or two people working and supporting a household of five or ten.
So yes, it has an idyllic air to it....all this free time....but one of the darker sides is sometimes loved ones go without basic medical equipment (like a wheelchair) so they're confined to a bed for the rest of their life...or they go without necessary medicine.
So yes, American social life sucks...but it's just the nature of culture with the majority being employed full time.
Quote:
Originally Posted by GusLevy
The vast wealth that this society as a whole has created has also allowed people the freedom to not work hard and still enjoy many of the benefits. The early part of my own life was spent in a country where my brother and two parents both lived in a one room hovel which had no electricity, no plumbing, no sewage system, and certainly no economic opportunities to improve one’s life. In America, one can be classified as poor and yet have stable electricity, good plumbing, a running vehicle, a smartphone and wifi.
People lounging around and being visited at all times of the day in their porches to commiserate with one another because there is lack of work and opportunity may be a wonderful and idyllic image to some but to me that would be a miserable society for me to return to - especially if I were in my 20s or 30s and full of energy with hopes and dreams for bettering my own life.
If America had a "wonderful culture” where most people spent their days lounging around to entertainingly chat, gossip and kibitz about then there wouldn’t exist the infrastructure, the technology, the wealth and the opportunities that makes this country and society what it is.
I'm American and my social life doesn't suck at all. Did I enjoy my social life in Europe? Yeah, I liked that too. But you can't just cherry pick things you like about one locale and claim it's "best" - you have to look at the total picture. When I do that, I realize how much I love living my life as an American - in the US.
I can always go on vacation if I want to experience a different culture for a change of pace. But it's always nice to come back home.
The problem is, lots of money donated by churches goes to mission funds instead of helping people in their local communities. Also, lots of donated money goes towards paying for bigger buildings, bigger parking lots, etc. for the churches themselves. Really, how much of Christians donated incomes goes towards helping the poor and needy?
Rightly or wrongly, many Christians feel it necessary to give to churches around the world (I am opposed to this as an America first kind of guy). How much goes to poor & need vs. the church itself? I can only speak to my mega-Church, but a lot goes to needy, and we still have an expanding building to handle increased crowd size. Proud of the stuff they do for their own in-house Food Bank and after-school activities for kids in families with needs. Just starting to delve into what we can do regarding opioid addicts---big potential to make a major difference if we do it right.
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