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Old 05-18-2018, 12:53 PM
 
160 posts, read 333,847 times
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Actually, I noticed that separating friends into groups - friends from work, college buddies, neighbors - is common in many cultures. Occasionally people do bring everyone together - weddings, birthday parties - and even set up their friends on a blind date.
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Old 05-18-2018, 01:13 PM
 
Location: Jupiter
10,216 posts, read 8,285,738 times
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Sometimes, you have to deal with people not wanting to talk to you.

It doesn't mean they're anti-social or rude, they're just not interested in you.

It happens.
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Old 05-19-2018, 10:07 PM
 
496 posts, read 443,071 times
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I'm just reading this but I fully agree with OP. Except you mention moving after 40 and trying to find friends - it's just the same if you're in your 20s, out of school but never developed a social circle, forget ever finding one. I suppose it doesn't matter anyway as they just don't last, all of mine split up and move on to other social circles, which I could never fit into anyway. I've nearly given up on finding friends and learned to just do things myself.

And planning meetups is just too much of a pain. Even when I was younger, it wasn't uncommon for me to text a friend even on the day of if I didn't expect they were doing anything and ask if we could go to dinner that evening and answer was usually sure. Now I'd have to do like two weeks early, feels too forced so I usually don't.
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Old 11-20-2018, 07:08 PM
 
Location: MO->MI->CA->TX->MA
7,022 posts, read 14,442,452 times
Reputation: 5570
Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyinCali View Post

Even the fun is coordinated and scripted. We will go to Place A and do Y and X. After that we will go to Place B and do Z.

There is very little spontaneity and just being with. In our countries you constantly see people just being with - sitting on a bench in the park, sitting at a cafe, walking by the river-front. You see that in America but it is different.
Nassim Taleb calls this Touristification.

As strong introvert who enjoys spontaneity (I scored INTP on the Myer Briggs), the only period in my own life when I had a very active social life was in college. Why? We all lived together in dorms or in apartment complexes filled with other students. It was normal for us to drop by spontaneously with little or no notice on most days. Nowadays, if I wanted to meet or hang out with someone, I often have to schedule in advance, sometimes even days in advance, be it a meeting or even a party. I don't know if a lot of other people feel this way but every time I have something scheduled, my enjoyment of the hours of my life immediately preceding the scheduled event diminishes.. NOT because I don't look forward to the scheduled event but because I've lost spontaneity in my life.

Since spontaneity is as important to me as food, air, and water and I'm an introvert, I naturally eschewed many social events after college. The only people I hung out with were those who didn't mind dropping by or doing things on short notice. Yep, short notice also works for me since it's basically like a warning or confirmation prior to dropping by or deciding to hang out at the spur of the moment.

One of the best vacations I've ever had (besides the semester I studied abroad where I took the train to random European cities every weekend) was one where my wife and I booked a whole week at a single hotel that was located close to several places we wanted to visit. We had no schedule and just picked the place nearby that we wanted to visit everyday rather than having an itinerary of going to Place A on Day 1, Place B on Day 2, Place C on Day 3, etc.
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Old 11-20-2018, 07:43 PM
 
1,279 posts, read 846,320 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MLSFan View Post
more that america is a rich country... poorer places have stronger social nets because that is also their safety nets

in countries that have social nets provided through welfare or where making money is easy, a large social network isnt needed. people keeping a few friends is good enough because more doesnt provide the anything more
And the US is relatively wealthy in part because Americans work all the time. At least my friends and acquaintances and I do. That’s why it’s hard to plan anything in short notice: life is mostly work and reucperating from work, and people are generally organized with their time because they have so little free time.
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Old 11-20-2018, 08:51 PM
 
Location: Nashville TN
192 posts, read 257,126 times
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You did not mention the country from whence you came, but suffice to say where you are from is similar to being deep in rural small town America where it's still the 1960s. There are such places but you have to seek them out. The culture you are describing is the upside of a third world culture that is still behind 50 years, it does have certain advantages on a sociological human level. You are comparing cultures that are living in two different realities. Not really a good comparison. Once again, that word "Friends". If you have one good friend you've maintained all through your life you are one lucky SOB! I have never had one close intimate relationship in life, not a single one. You sound somewhat naive. This is why people gravitate towards cities with large populations of immigrants from their own nation, so you have a sense of connection and community in a deeply materialistic capitalist society. Remember, not everyone's blood runs red; there is Blue, Gold, and GREEN.
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Old 11-21-2018, 10:21 AM
 
Location: California
1,424 posts, read 1,633,162 times
Reputation: 3144
Quote:
Originally Posted by ragnarkar View Post
Nassim Taleb calls this Touristification.

As strong introvert who enjoys spontaneity (I scored INTP on the Myer Briggs), the only period in my own life when I had a very active social life was in college. Why? We all lived together in dorms or in apartment complexes filled with other students. It was normal for us to drop by spontaneously with little or no notice on most days. Nowadays, if I wanted to meet or hang out with someone, I often have to schedule in advance, sometimes even days in advance, be it a meeting or even a party. I don't know if a lot of other people feel this way but every time I have something scheduled, my enjoyment of the hours of my life immediately preceding the scheduled event diminishes.. NOT because I don't look forward to the scheduled event but because I've lost spontaneity in my life.

Since spontaneity is as important to me as food, air, and water and I'm an introvert, I naturally eschewed many social events after college. The only people I hung out with were those who didn't mind dropping by or doing things on short notice. Yep, short notice also works for me since it's basically like a warning or confirmation prior to dropping by or deciding to hang out at the spur of the moment.

One of the best vacations I've ever had (besides the semester I studied abroad where I took the train to random European cities every weekend) was one where my wife and I booked a whole week at a single hotel that was located close to several places we wanted to visit. We had no schedule and just picked the place nearby that we wanted to visit everyday rather than having an itinerary of going to Place A on Day 1, Place B on Day 2, Place C on Day 3, etc.
You and I are sound very similar
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Old 11-21-2018, 11:04 AM
 
24,241 posts, read 10,546,480 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PuppiesandKittens View Post
And the US is relatively wealthy in part because Americans work all the time. At least my friends and acquaintances and I do. That’s why it’s hard to plan anything in short notice: life is mostly work and reucperating from work, and people are generally organized with their time because they have so little free time.
None of your "generally" applies to anyone I ever met.
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Old 11-22-2018, 06:33 AM
 
Location: In a place beyond human comprehension
8,920 posts, read 7,692,289 times
Reputation: 16655
Meh, I've slowly developed out of my need for many social interactions. I'm a very busy person myself. When I was younger (I'm 25) I felt like I "needed" social interaction to make me happy, but I quickly decided that was unhealthy. I was so depressed and my anxiety got out of control. I decided no more and started distancing myself from people and striving for stoicism and independence. Since then my life has been very quiet and peaceful. I still have a few friends but their lives are branching off and we're becoming distant. They complain I'm too quick to shut people off but I'm used to it now. I don't feel like readjusting myself just to deal with wishy washy people. I'm okay with that though. We as humans will do what we always do; adapt.
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Old 11-23-2018, 07:11 AM
 
5,428 posts, read 4,433,360 times
Reputation: 7263
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
Only on C-D did I find out that there are people who cut out their single friends after they get married, which, you're right--it doesn't make sense.

I am amazed that you didn't find this out in real life and found it out on C-D. I have lost friends due to marriages. Married people do not want to spend time with single and unattached people. Single and unattached people do not want to be around married people. There's a very uneasy dynamic between those people in those stages of life. It's more feasible to have socialization between married people and unmarried, attached people in extended relationships, but even that's less common than married people being with other married people.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AK-Cathy View Post
It seems that the common theme here in this thread is that if you have moved from your "home-base" forming a new social network is difficult for many adults and those responses that say that they are too busy, have a full dance card and the observations of the OP and others on this thread are exactly the reasons why.

Like I said in my past comment, we are moving east and are prepared to have exactly what we have here: Chatting neighbors, nodding acquaintances, hired help, business associates, sailing peers but maybe no real friends. Troublesome as we age.

I agree it is what it is but what is has become a thorny problem to those of us that have moved once or more because of work or the economy.
I never had a real home base. I had some moves between birth and high school graduation. The first move out of the place where I was born was a real hassle. I objected to that move but I had no say in the issue and it caused me massive psychological harm. I have moved as an adult as well. I've been in my current city 5+ years but even still, my social network is more limited than it would have been had I lived most of my life in the same city as I was born. In many facets, I would have been better off staying in the same area my whole life.
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