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This is not an American bashing thread. I love America. This is just a commentary on things I have noticed and I am curious to discuss.
I am originally from a developing nation. My wife was born in America but has roots in another developing nation. We often visit both places. The thing that always jumps out most at me is how different the human interactions are from America. And for the better.
Frankly, I think that the American social culture is terrible. Friendships appear to be pretty disposable. Social interactions seem to be regimented, with things needing to be scheduled weeks in advance. Once you are over 25, there seems to be no spontaneity left. Everything needs to be planned - drinks on Thursday with Bob. Dinner on Saturday with Jane and Ray. And the three shall never meet.
The chances of me texting somebody and them agreeing on a short notice to meet up are slim. They will always have something to do. I need to get on their schedule for next weekend.
Nobody drops by. Even your closest friends. Jamal doesn’t stop on the way back from work to chat about politics and have a beer. The visit has to be coordinated days ahead.
Even the fun is coordinated and scripted. We will go to Place A and do Y and X. After that we will go to Place B and do Z.
There is very little spontaneity and just being with. In our countries you constantly see people just being with - sitting on a bench in the park, sitting at a cafe, walking by the river-front. You see that in America but it is different.
It is hard to describe if you haven’t experienced it. The walk is purposeful. You will meet and walk along the river. You dont just organically end there after pointlessly meandering lost in conversation.
You belong to a jogging group. You go hiking. You plan to get wasted next weekend. You travel. The friendship is focused on activities versus just being with and enjoying each other’s company.
You do these things in our countries, too. But they are secondary. The come after being with. They are the cherry on top. Not the only things you do as friends.
In addition, it is amazing to me how disposable friendships are. Part of it is the mobility of Americans. I get that. In most countries people are not as mobile, but here we move states so easily.
But just look at other reasons why people stop hanging out
- they start dating somebody
- they get new friends
- they move to a suburb
- they have kids
- they join some social group
All of these are absurd to me. Just thinking to my friends in my country - they are still hanging out after 20 years. New girlfriends are welcomed. Kids sit in a stroller while parents are sitting in a cafe. Or play unsupervised at the near playground without a parent with outstretched arms by them every time they climb up a yard.
Friends mingle. There is no such thing as work friends, church friends, soccer friends. If you are fun, you are invited to all types of functions. Here people have completely separate groups of friends that literally might never meet. That’s insane to me. How can people who are close to you never meet?
Anyway, it is just some observations. I know they are anecdotal, but I feel pretty comfortable generalizing based on them. I am very good at reading people and I have spent a lot of time reading, researching and observing American society. I think that our social interactions culture is terrible.
Breaking into existing friends groups is almost impossible. Friendships are disposable. If you move after 40, your only chance of a meaningful relationship is joining a meetup with other “lonely losers” like yourself. Your coworker is unlikely you to invite you to a BBQ. And if they do, their friends are highly unlikely to ask for your number and stay in touch unless you literally bend over backwards over several months. So you join a meetup.
because america is a big nation with much diversity.. with many cliques and groups and differences....not much of a melting pot...mor elike a tossed salad.
I've started noticing the trend 10 or so years ago. Many friends got married and had children, so they ditched all of their single friends and only hang out with people who are just as phony and fickle as they are. People think I'm being rude or inconsiderate when I decide to "drop" in. No, I am being a friend. I actually give a --it about the ones I call "friends." I wouldn't turn any of my friends away if/when they decided to drop by on a whim, regardless of the time. My door is always open to those who matter to me.
As far as breaking into new groups after relocating...........yeah, it's difficult. It's next to impossible since I have relocated so many times within the last 15 years. I am active in the local hockey scene. Do any of my teammates invite me over for anything? No. Do they talk to me outside of the rink? Absolutely not. I also skydive. It appears to be the most promising crowd to hang around.
because america is a big nation with much diversity.. with many cliques and groups and differences....not much of a melting pot...mor elike a tossed salad.
more that america is a rich country... poorer places have stronger social nets because that is also their safety nets
in countries that have social nets provided through welfare or where making money is easy, a large social network isnt needed. people keeping a few friends is good enough because more doesnt provide the anything more
Not everyone views spontaneity as a good thing. I don’t want anyone to “just stop by” when I’m not expecting them. And I prefer planning get together because I have a lot of things I’m trying to juggle. Not having things planned is too stressful.
more that america is a rich country... poorer places have stronger social nets because that is also their safety nets
in countries that have social nets provided through welfare or where making money is easy, a large social network isnt needed. people keeping a few friends is good enough because more doesnt provide the anything more
It is not about the number of friends, although the end result is that you have fewer. It is more about the interactions with the ones you do have
Born and raised in the USA and I wholly agree with the OP's observations. Having moved cross country a few times in my adult life, it's very hard to impossible to re-establish a working social circle as an adult due to the very things the OP noted in their observations.
Here I can't even find the "lonely losers" group. Nearly everyone has lived here all their lives and this isn't exactly a "destination" for anyone. The social life we do have is based on family and family friends and we don't exactly fit in. We are moving again to the east coast and are prepared to never make new friends again. I miss AK where everyone was from somewhere else, were very mobile and had to accept an elastic circle if they wanted a social life.
Not everyone views spontaneity as a good thing. I don’t want anyone to “just stop by” when I’m not expecting them. And I prefer planning get together because I have a lot of things I’m trying to juggle. Not having things planned is too stressful.
Right, just thinking about the doorbell ringing when I'm not expecting anyone is making me feel anxious.
Born and raised in the USA and I wholly agree with the OP's observations. Having moved cross country a few times in my adult life, it's very hard to impossible to re-establish a working social circle as an adult due to the very things the OP noted in their observations.
Here I can't even find the "lonely losers" group. Nearly everyone has lived here all their lives and this isn't exactly a "destination" for anyone. The social life we do have is based on family and family friends and we don't exactly fit in. We are moving again to the east coast and are prepared to never make new friend again. I miss AK where everyone was from somewhere else, were very mobile and had to accept an elastic circle if they wanted a social life.
try attending social events, like church
church is easily the biggest social events people go to every week
I've thought about that as church is big around here but both my DH and I are agnostic. Couldn't realistically make that one work.
Last edited by AK-Cathy; 03-31-2018 at 07:57 AM..
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