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I “ghosted” a friend of 20+ years. We’d visit on the phone weekly (lived quite a distance apart; I’d moved) and some topics were waaay too sensitive for her. She’d freak out if I approached the topic that she had become extremely obese and was also overfeeding her grandkid, who was also obese. Thing is, she has so many health issues related to obesity and would go on and on about her health issues and her gkid’s social issues. But if I approached the topic she’d blow up in anger. I’d offered to fund her and her gkid’s participation in nutritional programs or weight watchers but she refused. This went on for a few years. As her health became worse — requiring diabetes treatment and knee replacements — I became more frustrated about her path. And our weekly phone conversations during which sometimes she would actually be baking some kind of fattening confection while we chatted, it was just too painful for me to continue on witnessig her self-destruction. Even that was more tolerable than the effect all this was having on her young granddaughter who couldn’t even fit in store bought clothing anymore due to being overweight. So I started ignoring her phone calls and texts and was too busy for our weekly long phone chats. I felt backed into a corner where I was being innodated weekly with her poor decisions and couldn’t help. It ruined my day. I love and miss her, but I couldn’t stand by and observe the self-destruction any longer.
That's fine, we've all gotta do what we've gotta do, but wouldn't it have been kinder to be honest with her? It's cowardly to "ghost."
My best hs friend....we were sisters in bond and nature.
For 7 years we wrote,called...spent many a laugh together.
She moved to Germany. Met her future husband. Came back to the states. Introduced him. I liked him as a person. Yet I saw that their relationship was mother/child. She babied him to the point,we went out to dinner she cut his dinner and placed the napkin on his neck. When I broached this with her ...She said: I value my man. Maybe you can treat your hubby a bit better.
It was sad that in that moment we were no longer friends.....I wrote her a long letter good bye. 17 years later she calls my workplace.....the wound had healed...Yet our friendship was not to be. She divorced that first guy because she realized what a mommas boy he was (duh!?? Ya think). She never could concede her part in the marriage...so be it.
Then 5 yrs ago I reached out to her....My mom was in her last days. This 'friend' cared more about her cats then my grief. She is a talented singer and found ' the Lord' (although I didn't know he was lost). I was not the best of a friend at times....I admit my flaws .....but that friendship was a once in a lifetime. No regrets....just sad that two girls who turned out pretty darn well....didn't sustain.
My bff through childhood surprisingly turned into a wild teenager in regards to boys. No one really knew because she hid it well. Our parents knew each other, etc.
I had a bf and told him in confidence that the Oh so serious looking friend had sex with 3 guys at a party. Then I broke up with him, because he just bored me.
He went to her to ask her what to do to get me back. That was the last I heard from either. We were 17. She was no longer reachable for me. I heard she was with my ex. They actually married a few years later. I couldn't care less about that. I tried to reconnect for years and just got ignored.
Small country town - Her parents barely talked to my parents anymore. No idea what she told them. Her bf (my ex) has an older brother who married my older sisters best friend and they were all very close ...until SHE stepped into the picture. The whole family was split up because she did not allow him to be much around his brother anymore so my sister would not report back to me what is going on. They are still together and have two children. I miss having my childhood friend and envy everyone who still has contact with their.
That's fine, we've all gotta do what we've gotta do, but wouldn't it have been kinder to be honest with her? It's cowardly to "ghost."
In the end we did talk but I just told her it was getting to be too difficult to continue our weekly phone calls because we just didn’t seem to share the same interests any longer. I agree that “ghosting” is a cowardly way, but I had experienced her rants before when I tried to discuss the unhealthy eating in the past so I felt really stuck. There were some other issues, in addition to the food problem. She was always in debt, and upset about having credit card balances and then the next time we’d talk she’d tell me about a purchase (jewelry, special girly underwear, etc. that she’d bought). And when I would tell her about what was going on in my life, she’d interrupt me and launch into something about her so I’d stop and let the conversation go to her chosen direction. It all got to be too overwhelming. I felt trapped in cul-de-saq’s of frustration and saw no value in revealing all the many ways I found the friendship disheartening........ just couldn’t figure out how to reinstate our old enjoyment in eachother.
Culturally, my mentor never talked or returned a call after I graduated. I've had friends from certain cultures that do a list up every six months and scratch names off their association. I believe it's a time managment thing with them, driven by a "survival" culture. That's my analysis anyway.
I recently lost a friend who found two new friends that were the usual suspect silver hoarders, the coming Apocolypse types. I'm in Canada otherwise it would also be the guns and ammo. Well, through them he's detonated his credit rating, which I helped him build over three years, got him even with the tax man, upgraded his drivers' license, etc. so I've done my good will forward.
At the end of the day people will believe what they want to and never call to confirm, th efirst rule my mentor above taught me.
One friend was very close in middle school, over the years was a long distance casual friend with sending her cards. Rarely would I hear from her. Then I got in touch with her mom on email and over a year got all the news from the mom's perspective. She said my friend, her daughter, 'Wasn't ready to open up and be my friend again.' With that was an email, the first I'd gotten from my friend in over a decade. I expected a message. All I got is 'Happy Birthday.'
I was super upset. I also found out she changed her address and I had no idea. Yeah I wrote her off, literally on email after reading that two word message. Really sad.
I had a female friend that was about 10 years older than me. She led a interesting (to me) life (Army brat) and married a man from a foreign county some time after her first husband died. Her husband was also an interesting character, a musician who played with many famous people/acts. There's something about the two of them, I won't mention here, but it makes them very unique - I could spot them in crowd of a two hundred people (because they really stick out).
We had many long conversations about everything under the sun, and the differences between American & that foreign culture, her many international flights to her husband's homeland (and I wanted to visit that country - its still on my bucket list). This went on for several enjoyable years.
In the last US election, she strongly supported Hillary, and just to be contrary, I told her Trump was going to win and I offered a trivial monetary wager (I'm not very political, honestly.) She agreed to the bet, it was all in good fun like a Superbowl wager...
When Trump won, I called her to collect my money. She was absolutely despondant about the electon... she denied all knowledge of the bet, and she never spoke to me again.
I “ghosted” a friend of 20+ years. We’d visit on the phone weekly (lived quite a distance apart; I’d moved) and some topics were waaay too sensitive for her. She’d freak out if I approached the topic that she had become extremely obese and was also overfeeding her grandkid, who was also obese. Thing is, she has so many health issues related to obesity and would go on and on about her health issues and her gkid’s social issues. But if I approached the topic she’d blow up in anger. I’d offered to fund her and her gkid’s participation in nutritional programs or weight watchers but she refused. This went on for a few years. As her health became worse — requiring diabetes treatment and knee replacements — I became more frustrated about her path. And our weekly phone conversations during which sometimes she would actually be baking some kind of fattening confection while we chatted, it was just too painful for me to continue on witnessig her self-destruction. Even that was more tolerable than the effect all this was having on her young granddaughter who couldn’t even fit in store bought clothing anymore due to being overweight. So I started ignoring her phone calls and texts and was too busy for our weekly long phone chats. I felt backed into a corner where I was being innodated weekly with her poor decisions and couldn’t help. It ruined my day. I love and miss her, but I couldn’t stand by and observe the self-destruction any longer.
I know it's hard to watch a person self destruct. I have a friend who is a severely, non-functioning alcoholic and she kept asking me how she could find a decent guy. She has an on again-off again relationship with another drunk. They are NO good for each other. He is a nasty drunk and makes her feel worthless.
I know she knew the answer to finding a good man was to stop drinking, but telling her that wouldn't have done any good, like telling your friend she was obese.
Your friend knows she obese and probably feels like an outcast when she's out and about (with stares and looks of disgust)
Maybe you were the only friend she had? I don't know.
With my friend, it was the same thing. She is such a nice and good person who had good friends when she was younger, loves animals, WAS a talented artist, but one by one her friends slowly gave up on her. I had to too because she'd call late at night and so drunk that I couldn't understand half of what she was saying. Her brain is so damaged from the booze that she can't even complete a sentence any more, even sober. I just couldn't even stand talking to her because she couldn't carry on an intelligent conversation any more.
It's very sad losing a friend because they are on a course of self destruction. Not trying to do anything to improve your lifestyle when you are obese or dependent on drugs/booze are very similar IMO. You know it will be a very difficult struggle but you end up with such a reward in the end.
When AA says "One Day at a Time", it makes sense but some people sadly choose to not even start that first One day.
I was friends with a guy from birth (we were born 4 days apart) till after high school. We grew apart during that time, but we were involved in some of the same groups and same social circles here and there.
After high school, his dad passed away. I didn't know what to say or how to approach him and his family to express my condolences. It was so awkward and then simply too late. Too much time passed.
I guess that dissolved our friendship as he never really gave me the time of day after that. I can't blame him. I wish I knew then that even an awkward gesture of sympathy would have been way better than what I did. My bad for sure.
But that's my story.
It's never too late. Send him a note letting him know that you didn't know what to say and therefore, you made a mistake by saying nothing. We all make mistakes.
Last edited by Charlotteborn; 04-12-2018 at 09:53 AM..
For me, that would have to be something which happened a few years back, with a guy whom I got to know via a now not-so-widely used social media forum.
Not a lot to the story, just that we were both fans of a particular Japanese rock musician, the guy made a comment one day about "sexy/hot" pics of the said musician, I was at work that day, so I asked if they were NSFW. For whatever reason, the guy found that REALLY offensive, he got upset with me, and wouldn't talk to me anymore after that.
Last edited by Diane de Poitiers; 04-12-2018 at 11:06 PM..
Reason: decided to share a different story
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