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I grew up in Southern California as the older of two brothers. All our extended family lived in Hong Kong, so we hardly knew them. Was bullied in school because our school district was super-competitive, and I was not a very good student, so it was actually a stigma not to be a nerd. I also have borderline Asperger's, so I never had many friends, which are hard to make anyways in materialistic, fast-paced Southern California. After 20 years of living in SoCal, I still feel like an outsider.
That's why I won't be missing my family or friends (with the exception of my brother) once I move to Houston. But I want to stay single. In addition to not having any close female relatives, I am an engineering major. As a result, it's very hard for me to get along with girls and I usually have zero female friends. Which means I'll probably stay single.
Which is not hard at all if you have plenty of nice relatives nearby, but I will have none when I move to Houston. So I need ways to stay single and be happy. Such as:
1. Career and Money. Work hard, invest hard, and save up for retirement. Build a solid career, rise up the corporate ladder, design better technology. The joy of knowing you're rich, well-accomplished and well-respected in your field, and helping others with your money and mentoring, should more than compensate for the joy of a spouse.
2. Hobbies. My great dream is to become an amateur concert pianist (not unusual--there are many doctors who are amateur concert pianists/composers.) I will play Chopin and Rachmaninoff Piano Concertos (yes, I'm already at that level) with orchestras a few times a year. The orchestra will become my family. And, while I may never be the groom at a wedding, people will hire me to play at their weddings. Yay, free food!
What do you think? Would this be good enough for you to stay single and happy?
I am a conservative Christian, so no, porn is definitely not on the list. Nor is sex and cohabitation outside/before marriage.
You are not going to be happy by renouncing romantic love. It's just not possible, no matter how many distractions you engineer. Romantic love and a successful career/productive purpose are the 2 pillars of human happiness. You won't die by choosing to remaining single, but your life will be diminished and second rate.
I grew up in Southern California as the older of two brothers. All our extended family lived in Hong Kong, so we hardly knew them. Was bullied in school because our school district was super-competitive, and I was not a very good student, so it was actually a stigma not to be a nerd. I also have borderline Asperger's, so I never had many friends, which are hard to make anyways in materialistic, fast-paced Southern California. After 20 years of living in SoCal, I still feel like an outsider.
That's why I won't be missing my family or friends (with the exception of my brother) once I move to Houston. But I want to stay single. In addition to not having any close female relatives, I am an engineering major. As a result, it's very hard for me to get along with girls and I usually have zero female friends. Which means I'll probably stay single.
Which is not hard at all if you have plenty of nice relatives nearby, but I will have none when I move to Houston. So I need ways to stay single and be happy. Such as:
1. Career and Money. Work hard, invest hard, and save up for retirement. Build a solid career, rise up the corporate ladder, design better technology. The joy of knowing you're rich, well-accomplished and well-respected in your field, and helping others with your money and mentoring, should more than compensate for the joy of a spouse.
2. Hobbies. My great dream is to become an amateur concert pianist (not unusual--there are many doctors who are amateur concert pianists/composers.) I will play Chopin and Rachmaninoff Piano Concertos (yes, I'm already at that level) with orchestras a few times a year. The orchestra will become my family. And, while I may never be the groom at a wedding, people will hire me to play at their weddings. Yay, free food!
What do you think? Would this be good enough for you to stay single and happy?
I am a conservative Christian, so no, porn is definitely not on the list. Nor is sex and cohabitation outside/before marriage.
Post this identical post in the retirement forum and see what those oldtimers there think because many of them (us) have lived this life and may have some regrets (putting ourselves 100% into our work for wealth).
You are not going to be happy by renouncing romantic love. It's just not possible, no matter how many distractions you engineer. Romantic love and a successful career/productive purpose are the 2 pillars of human happiness. You won't die by choosing to remaining single, but your life will be diminished and second rate.
This is so untrue. I think many people would far rather be happily single than unhappily married to the wrong person.
If you meet a great person and both of you want to marry, wonderful! But if that doesn't happen - go ahead and live the best, fullest, happiest life you can. Terming the lives of all single people "diminished and second rate" is jaundiced, bigoted and blind to reality.
OP, do what's right for you. Married or single, you can still live a happy, productive and interesting life.
Pursue your interests, just be careful not to talk excessively about them with others who may not share them, something some with Asperger's are prone to do. Make sure your grooming is up to par. Make eye contact with others, but don't bore in with staring when you're in social gatherings. Smile when appropriate - just not all the time. Make sure your jokes are appropriate - do NOT joke about sensitive topics (family tragedies, politics when in politically mixed company, sex, religion, and so on). Ask questions when you talk with others, but don't be too intrusive. Keep to hometowns, favorite places, vacation plans, sports, hobbies, books or movies, etc. Be careful not to dominate the conversation or engage in a long monologue. If someone invites you to participate in an activity in which you have no interest, just say "No, thank you", and don't tag along only to act bored the entire time.
I'm including these suggestions because of having recently unexpectedly been with a young man who appeared to have Asperger's - and who evidently was never advised about such things. His company was exhausting, stressful and unpleasant as a result. Don't be like him.
Explore topics that are only mildly interesting to you initially - you may be pleasantly surprised. Check out Meetup. See if your local symphony has a friends group, and join it if you can. Look for interesting free or inexpensive activities - libraries and local parks are good sources. Explore your community on your days off - check out the tourist attractions, historic sites, scenery, and so on. Ask a friend or potential friend to go with you - just be careful about how you participate in the conversation. Give your companion a fair chance.
Since you're a good pianist, consider broadening your style beyond classical and try something totally different, just for fun, or even try another instrument - maybe accordion, which is closely related to the piano but has a very different repertoire. If it turns out not to be fun, nothing lost.
Best wishes to you.
Last edited by CraigCreek; 04-16-2018 at 04:40 PM..
to be honest you seem very accomplished right now. are you happy? why are you afraid of not being happy? If you decided marriage and women are not interesting to you right now then ignore them. Focus on what interest you. Honestly something is bothering you big time that made you post here.
I also think that being human means we are social. Life greatest events (joy or sorrow) are better (or easier) when are shared. I am not advocating for marriage but for friendship. You can be single - not married - but I think, at some point in your life you will miss companionship, having real friends, real support. Someone who has your back.
It's human nature, you know. We longed to be touched to be held, to hug. Babies who are not held have difficulties developing. It is a fact. Isolation is not good for people.
My advice would be don;t worry. Follow what you want to do and accomplishing things perhaps it will make you happy. Perhaps it will bring you in contact with people who will have your back.
Life in general just happens when you least expect and who knows when that special someone will show up. Maybe no, but maybe yes. But for now concentrate on what you want to do and forget about the rest.
Last edited by XRiteMA98; 04-16-2018 at 04:35 PM..
This is so untrue. I think many people would far rather be happily single than unhappily married to the wrong person. If you meet a great person and both of you want to marry, wonderful! But if that doesn't happen - go ahead and live the best, fullest, happiest life you can. Terming the lives of all single people "diminished and single rate" is jaundiced, bigoted and blind to reality. .
I grew up in Southern California as the older of two brothers. All our extended family lived in Hong Kong, so we hardly knew them. Was bullied in school because our school district was super-competitive, and I was not a very good student, so it was actually a stigma not to be a nerd. I also have borderline Asperger's, so I never had many friends, which are hard to make anyways in materialistic, fast-paced Southern California. After 20 years of living in SoCal, I still feel like an outsider.
That's why I won't be missing my family or friends (with the exception of my brother) once I move to Houston. But I want to stay single. In addition to not having any close female relatives, I am an engineering major. As a result, it's very hard for me to get along with girls and I usually have zero female friends. Which means I'll probably stay single.
Which is not hard at all if you have plenty of nice relatives nearby, but I will have none when I move to Houston. So I need ways to stay single and be happy. Such as:
1. Career and Money. Work hard, invest hard, and save up for retirement. Build a solid career, rise up the corporate ladder, design better technology. The joy of knowing you're rich, well-accomplished and well-respected in your field, and helping others with your money and mentoring, should more than compensate for the joy of a spouse.
2. Hobbies. My great dream is to become an amateur concert pianist (not unusual--there are many doctors who are amateur concert pianists/composers.) I will play Chopin and Rachmaninoff Piano Concertos (yes, I'm already at that level) with orchestras a few times a year. The orchestra will become my family. And, while I may never be the groom at a wedding, people will hire me to play at their weddings. Yay, free food!
What do you think? Would this be good enough for you to stay single and happy?
I am a conservative Christian, so no, porn is definitely not on the list. Nor is sex and cohabitation outside/before marriage.
In my opinion, no. Companionship is one of the things that make life worth living. Wealth and achievements mean nothing if I had no one to share them with.
I grew up in Southern California as the older of two brothers. All our extended family lived in Hong Kong, so we hardly knew them. Was bullied in school because our school district was super-competitive, and I was not a very good student, so it was actually a stigma not to be a nerd. I also have borderline Asperger's, so I never had many friends, which are hard to make anyways in materialistic, fast-paced Southern California. After 20 years of living in SoCal, I still feel like an outsider.
That's why I won't be missing my family or friends (with the exception of my brother) once I move to Houston. But I want to stay single. In addition to not having any close female relatives, I am an engineering major. As a result, it's very hard for me to get along with girls and I usually have zero female friends. Which means I'll probably stay single.
Which is not hard at all if you have plenty of nice relatives nearby, but I will have none when I move to Houston. So I need ways to stay single and be happy. Such as:
1. Career and Money. Work hard, invest hard, and save up for retirement. Build a solid career, rise up the corporate ladder, design better technology. The joy of knowing you're rich, well-accomplished and well-respected in your field, and helping others with your money and mentoring, should more than compensate for the joy of a spouse.
2. Hobbies. My great dream is to become an amateur concert pianist (not unusual--there are many doctors who are amateur concert pianists/composers.) I will play Chopin and Rachmaninoff Piano Concertos (yes, I'm already at that level) with orchestras a few times a year. The orchestra will become my family. And, while I may never be the groom at a wedding, people will hire me to play at their weddings. Yay, free food!
What do you think? Would this be good enough for you to stay single and happy?
I am a conservative Christian, so no, porn is definitely not on the list. Nor is sex and cohabitation outside/before marriage.
A few ideas, from an old guy:
If you're still in school, I assume you're still very young (mid-20s?). That's way too early to shut the door on entire dimensions of life.
Success at work isn't the same as having a spouse & kids.... they're supposed to love you for who you are (okay, it doesn't always happen, but that's how it's supposed to go) ... people at work will mostly care about what you can do for them... they won't love you. Some may see you as a rival, and try to undermine you.
You may change in ways you don't know yet. Maybe you'll lose interest in tech and want to become a full-time musician. Or work in the business side of music. Or maybe you'll feel called to become a missionary overseas. Or maybe you'll leave conservative Christianity for Unitarianism. Or maybe nothing so dramatic.... but chances are that 10 years from now, you won't be the same person you are today. Your early years are the best time to experiment and explore!
I am doomed to be single too. I am just apparently a natural loner. People don't really make me happy and often make me unhappy. So, I have just accepted my fate. I can count one hand the people in my life that have improved it and frankly most of them turned out to be real disappointments.
...
There is ZIP wrong with being a loner and you don't have to have social interaction if that isn't for you. Read about buddhism which basically says you are all you will ever need. One point I will make is that I traveled to the south and found people just... nicer. So you might experience some culture shock in a good way.
This is really good advice. And that's very true about the south. I live in southeastern Virginia, and most people here are basically decent and caring.
I suspect that highly intelligent people tend to be more introverted, or such has been my experience. Other than a handful of close women friends, I am pretty well alone in the world, and I am making my peace with it. I'm also pushing 60, and have been married twice (divorced, and then widowed).
I can honestly say that both of my husbands did a lot to increase my misery index, and were very unpleasant men. My second husband nearly cost me my sanity.
Marrying the wrong person is a much bigger mistaken than remaining single.
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