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I am a loner these days and I do have moments where I feel lonely. However, it normally passes. In the past I have had moments where I saw other people together, I did feel pangs but now I no longer do. I think it is because I have come to some sort of acceptance about myself and my life. You can be loner and still find companionship. I have seen others do it. It just might be a bit more difficult. Your thought process is one of the things that may make it more difficult as you seem to be in self protection mode. I think you are going to have to make peace with yourself 1st and decide what you really want.
Being friends with people is very hard for me. I like being alone sometimes because I don't have to deal with people's BS. However, I went to a festival today and I was by myself and seeing all those people walking around with their significant other or a group of friends made me feel lonely to the point where I thought I was going to cry. I thought about stopping by a restaurant to sit down and have a nice meal by myself because I told myself I was going to try new restaurants each weekend but I just felt so down that I just came straight home.
I like having down time to read, play video games, and go to the gym or go shopping (yeah im a dude that likes shopping) when I want. However, I crave human interaction sometimes. I hate this. I am very sensitive and the smallest thing that someone says that is bad really gets to me and I constantly ruminate over it. I always get hurt by people I am friends with or people that I date because of this. Once someone hurts me, whether or not it is intentional, I tend to look for ways to end the friendship or stop dating the person if its someone I am dating. The way people think is really irritating. Most people see nice people, such as myself, as being boring anyway. Maybe that is why the few "friends" I have living in other states rarely contact me.
I am tired of going to meetups but not really connecting with the people at the meetups. The ones I have gone to people seem afraid to talk and really get to know you. I have also tried meeting people other ways too such as being introduced through people I already know or talking to folks when I go to bars and clubs (I know that is not the best way).
For you loners out there, how do you cope with the freedom of being a loner but having to deal with the loneliness at the same time?
It doesn't have to be ...is it so hard to be a decent person?
People will always have differences.. of opinion, of personality, of standards of behavior and manners, so what is improper behavior to one can often be 'the life of the party', or a 'free spirit' to someone else.
OP DeCastro:
It's unavoidable in a big world to take offence, but you would be better served if you accepted these 'stings' as part of life. Don't look at it as lowering your standards, but 'broadening' them.
And if you can't thicken your skin then just retreat to a level that keeps you comfy and live with it.
P.S. I knew someone with 'friendship issues' and she joined a group called Emotions Anonymous.
Yes, it exists and you may find some solace.. and maybe even a few like-minded souls.
Being "nice" is overrated. Not because that it a bad thing or a bad quality. It's a good quality. But sometimes it's natural not to be that way, and therefore, to try to act that way in all situations is unnatural.
You can feel less alone in crowds if you are more in tune with the people around you. You also have the advantage (at that particular moment) of not having to deal with all their negative stuff, since you enjoy being alone at times. You can actually appreciate these people having fun more than the person who is with them, because the person with them has to also deal with their negative stuff. Like the grandparent getting along with the child better than the parents who have to live with it.
Some more extraverted types will open up to you if you say anything to them if they are alone.
OP, have you tried Meetup.com? Perhaps that can provide you with social events on your time schedule? You can just enough social interaction and then go home.
When I lived in Denver, there was even a MeetUp group specifically for loners. It provided them with just the right amount of social connection with others who felt the same way they did.
I think you're just wired to be an introvert DeCastro. My husband is like that. He had zero friends when I first met him and was perfectly happy if it was just the two of us. I'm the opposite. I've always had a lot of friends and I'm very social. He's not the loner I met over 30 years ago now, but, he still requires a lot of alone time.
What concerns me though is what is your definition of being hurt? Is it something minor like a comment or something major like someone says something really damaging? If it's minor things then you need to work on not being so sensitive. If you're constantly a victim, then you need to work on understanding why you attract the wrong people. Either way, there may be a problem here.
I hope you find your significant other. You might be perfectly happy having one or two close friends and a wife. Everyone feels lonely sometimes, and everyone needs company sometimes. Just don't marry someone like me. My poor John has been bombarded with lots of friends, kids, and pets. I know sometimes it's been overwhelming for him.
Originally Posted by VTsnowbird
Hurting and being hurt is part of being human.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ginger34
It doesn't have to be ...is it so hard to be a decent person?
Apparently it is very difficult for far too many. I've had enough of that part of human nature to last me several lifetimes. I can handle being around people in very small doses. They can be exhausting even when nice. I read the following article years ago, and learned to understand myself better. I am an introvert, and proud of it, lol. Well, maybe not exactly proud, but I understand myself a little better now.
FWIW, I suspect most "loners" feel as you do. Comes with the territory. I also suspect they learn to accept their inclinations, the cost, not to beat themselves over the head with it, and not see everyone else as a potential hurt waiting to pounce. It doesn't have to be 100% one or the other. Its more of a graduated scale. Everyone feels lonely at some moments, everyone. Everyone wants and needs some time alone. It just varies a lot from person to person and from moment to moment, mood to mood.
I also think you are spending too much time in your own head trying to create some sort of justice for yourself every time someone doesn't behave the way you want them to. People are flawed, working on everything just as you are, and they don't read minds. They don't necessarily know when they've upset you especially if you don't happen to respond in the same way they would. You are being very critical of yourself, and also of them. Being critical of every slight isn't really going to solve anything, just make it harder for you to get what you think you want. By condemning everyone else you isolate yourself. Adding more and more people to the negative side of your internal ledger sheet. Building your lonely mountain higher and higher.
I am a devoted loner in most things. I understand exactly what you said about going to events alone, eating in restaurants or other public places alone, getting wistful seeing others enjoying people they are with, that let down at a party and leaving early because I felt ignored, that resentment that I am the one who has to reach out to stay in contact with distant friends. But, I also know myself well and have practiced reminding myself that these feelings are fleeting, transitory. They really don't change my approach to the world and there's no point forcing myself to be something I am not. You may be able to deceive others but you can't deceive yourself forever. The more you force it the nastier you tend to get. If a distant friend doesn't happen to make the phone call to me it's not because they think I'm boring, it's because I decided I wanted that connection at that moment. I remind myself that how I feel is my own doing, no one else's. If I insist on sitting alone, not participating in a conversation, brooding on some perceived slight, the others are probably going to let me get on with it. My impression of how they behave is just that....MY impression, not necessarily their fault. Its up to me to make peace with it.
You should learn to cut yourself some slack....and cut others some slack as well. Speaking of cutting, don't cut someone off completely if they did manage to hurt you. Teach them using the same kindness you would want from them. "Permit" them some growth too. Everyone can use it.
from a lifetime loner.....
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from a lifetime loner.....
