Confused about whether I want to be a loner or not
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OP, have you tried Meetup.com? Perhaps that can provide you with social events on your time schedule? You can just enough social interaction and then go home.
When I lived in Denver, there was even a MeetUp group specifically for loners. It provided them with just the right amount of social connection with others who felt the same way they did.
Just a thought...
I have been to many meetups. I made like one friend because of it but we never have time to hang out because he always seems busy. His family comes up to visit him a lot plus he has a long distance girlfriend.
Being friends with people is very hard for me. I like being alone sometimes because I don't have to deal with people's BS. However, I went to a festival today and I was by myself and seeing all those people walking around with their significant other or a group of friends made me feel lonely to the point where I thought I was going to cry. I thought about stopping by a restaurant to sit down and have a nice meal by myself because I told myself I was going to try new restaurants each weekend but I just felt so down that I just came straight home.
I like having down time to read, play video games, and go to the gym or go shopping (yeah im a dude that likes shopping) when I want. However, I crave human interaction sometimes. I hate this. I am very sensitive and the smallest thing that someone says that is bad really gets to me and I constantly ruminate over it. I always get hurt by people I am friends with or people that I date because of this. Once someone hurts me, whether or not it is intentional, I tend to look for ways to end the friendship or stop dating the person if its someone I am dating. The way people think is really irritating. Most people see nice people, such as myself, as being boring anyway. Maybe that is why the few "friends" I have living in other states rarely contact me.
I am tired of going to meetups but not really connecting with the people at the meetups. The ones I have gone to people seem afraid to talk and really get to know you. I have also tried meeting people other ways too such as being introduced through people I already know or talking to folks when I go to bars and clubs (I know that is not the best way).
For you loners out there, how do you cope with the freedom of being a loner but having to deal with the loneliness at the same time?
I think what most want is to be with people some % of the time, but also have enough alone time.
Here are some lyrics of a Cinderella rock song: "Everyone's a problem till you turn 'em all away. All we need is a miracle to keep us all away from the pain." Sounds to me like it's about enjoying people in small doses.
OP, it doesn't have to be an either/or situation. You can enjoy being with people sometimes AND being alone sometimes.
Admit it, you don't really want to be alone. We see you vacillate back and forth on this frequently.
Most people DO NOT see "nice people" as being "boring." You have some skewed ideas about relating to others.
You say "The way people think is really irritating." Trust me, you have a limited idea of how "people" think. I'm sure you've run across a number of people who think dealing with you is "BS," too.
There's nothing wrong with being alone as long as you're content with it. You're not. Again, it doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing thing.
I do think you could use some professional help to figure out how to better navigate life. Consider it an investment in yourself and your future.
I was a loner into my 20s. Not by choice. But because I was sheltered. I became introverted as a result. Not having the social skills that I should have had early on. The older you get, the more stuck you are with what you have become. And if you've fallen short, it will only become harder to play catch up in life. Its that old saying "You can't teach an old dog new tricks". Well that's not entirely true. But it makes the point.
I married in my mid 20s and it taught me alot about sacrifice and changing my beliefs and ways. That was 25 years ago. And we're still married with children. It has been hard on and off. But we have no regrets. I gave up dreams and ambitions. And due to my wife's career, I became the stay at home dad to homeschool our children. It wasn't entirely hard considering my sheltered youth gave me experience with keeping a home thanks to my mother. I was never easy to live with. But a day doesn't go by that I don't tell my wife and kids I love them. I'd change or do anything to be what I think a husband and a parent should be. And to think 20 years ago I was a selfish teenager living in a 25 year old body.
In those days I traveled with a band and spent many days and nights alone. Being a loner sucks. It only makes you less able to keep people close in your space. Including a spouse. My wife's aunt is older than I am and has never had a boyfriend in her life. She lives alone. And because of that, she's gotten so hard to live with that no one wants to be around her much. She would have to do some real soul searching. Possibly symbolizing it by selling everything she has and starting over to convince her heart that the slate is clean and ready to build a new foundation with someone else. Extreme needs call for extreme measures. No psychologist or therapist can solve a problem like that.
Well, I did better when I had kids at home. Being a "loner" isn't really the same with crumb snatchers around.
Now, however, with them being grown and this relationship I've been in for almost 8yrs coming to a close I can picture myself back in the loner scenario. meh? That's life. Mine anyway. I'll be fine.
Why not just be content with what is and try to avoid labels? Instead of saying "I am a loner so I don't want to socialize" and then having difficulty reconciling the occasional urge to connect with others---say "I am completely okay being by myself---but I will be open to people and opportunities that look promising, those where it is likely although not guaranteed that I will get something out of." Instead of painting yourself into a corner with a capital L, you are establishing the intention and affirmation that you don't need anyone else to be complete but that you would welcome authentic and satisfying connections...but not desperate for them.
Just don't follow the path I took. A lifelong introvert, I thought it would be interesting to see if I could change the introversion---or at least expand my comfort level with socializing. It seemed like an interesting experiment (the psych major in me) and also reflected my fear (so many studies say people can't have good health without a strong social network). So I was open to anyone and everyone. It stroked my ego to have lots of "friends" and a busy social life. But it diminished my spirit because very few of the "friends" were lifting me up in any way or helping me be the best person I could be. I wanted to transcend myself to a large degree, but this almost alienated me from myself, fragmenting me into a million little pieces doing the activities other people wanted and dealing with their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors...instead of working on my own. I have honestly never felt lonely when by myself and with the exception of the few good friends that remain, felt more lonely when socializing with other people.
Since you can't control other people, work on yourself and living a full life without lots of "friends." Keep a little space for those select people who will add to your life instead of just subtracting your time and energy. Be okay if you don't find them, but enjoy the occasional attempt to find and cultivate positive relationships.
And OP, I am so impressed that as a guy you will admit to feelings of loneliness/vulnerability/yearning for deeper connection---it's not something that many females do, let alone guys. This gives you a deeper inner life but the downside is that not many people (again, especially guys) will understand/share that characteristic with you. But cherish those deep layers---they make you you and are ultimately so rewarding, especially the older you get.
So whenever someone hurts you, intentionally or not, you are going to end that relationship? Get used to being alone, or change your outlook. Hurting and being hurt is part of being human.
^^^This.
Or, to put it another way, you have to decide if you actually like people, maybe even including yourself.
People aren't perfect. They will mess up, they will let you down. They will say thoughtless things that hurt your feelings sometimes. People hurt their friends and loved ones in little ways all the time.
The good ones will be genuinely sorry. The not-so-good ones won't.
I want to ask you to look at things differently for just a moment. Let's say someone you like has hurt or offended you in some way, a way they may not even know about. You ditch them.
What if they are hurt by your desertion? Are you as responsible for that as they were for the action that caused you to cut them off?
People are emotional: loving and mean and hypocritical and honest and generous and...well...just about anything you can name, other than flawless. This includes you.
You can avoid all the pain that may come with having friends, lovers, or whatever, and be alone, or you can decide that the risks are worth the potential for joy.
You can't have both.
I am truly, truly sorry. As another semi-loner who also gets lonely at times, I understand your dilemma. The thing is, if you choose to be alone, there's nothing to gain by resenting other people for the fact that you have made that decision.
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