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These are people who are ruled by their fear but have managed to accumulate an entire series of rationales on their failure-to-launch issues. Here's a sampling of people I know who have no real impediments to living an independent life:
-- Brother-in-law who had a brief, disastrous marriage twenty years ago, moved in with my in-laws and never left. He's an engineer who built and sold a business for a solid amount of money. He would rather commute 90 minutes to his current job than pay money for a place of his own. Of course, no woman wants to date a guy who lives with his parents at age 51.
-- Childhood friend who went to college for a year, flunked out, didn't do much of anything after that, and now sits on his parent's couch at home. I saw his father last year who practically begged me to hire the guy. As much as I empathized, there's no way I would take that on.
-- Another childhood friend who was commissioned in the Army, married, moved to Germany, and moved home after his wife left him. Never has been able to hold down a job since, but never really looked all that hard either. His mother used to call me up when I was working two jobs asking how I managed to find them when he couldn't find one.
-- Sister of my best friend decided one day that she just didn't want to work any longer. So she moved back in with her mother into the childhood home. The mother, along with my friend and his wife have spent the past twenty-five years catering to Ellen's laziness and unwillingness to get along with other people.
I am reminded of that saying, "You cripple your children by making their lives easy." All the people I know who never left or returned to the nest have one thing in common: Parents who basically rushed in to manage their children's lives.
Mind you, I don't think there should be an ejection seat for kids the moment they hit legal age. But at the same time, the primary job of the parent is to prepare the child for adulthood, to give that child the skills and the confidence to manage on his or her own. Sometimes it's gentle coaxing. Sometimes it's tough love. Sometimes you needn't do anything at all. The reason for this is simple. If you simply cosset your child well into his or her adulthood and you and your spouse get hit by a bus, whatever is that offspring of yours going to do?
And, of course, if one of my three children hit a rough patch, I would certainly let them stay with us a while. And there have been occasions where I needed to give one of my kids a couple of hundred bucks. No sweat. That's what parenting is all about. At the same time, there would have to be an exit strategy. For it does no one any good to allow them to remain in a permanent state of dependency.
After all, the parents in those situations might have plans of their own in life. Maybe retire to Florida. Maybe live on a boat or drive the country in an RV. But because an adult child can't get it together in life, the parents might be trapped in a life, a house, a neighborhood, or a city that they don't want, but can't bring themselves to move on themselves due to a strong sense of duty to the child.
Personally, when it comes to this friend, I would just tell him that he is allowing his life to pass him by. And then be done with it.
Being old and single is like standing on a hill and watching freeway crashes which are called marriage failures
Only you know all the drivers and passengers
And attended their weddings
LMAO! No, I’m sure he doesn’t care what ANYONE thinks or he would not still be single, living with his mommy and daddy, at 50-something years old!!! I think it’s clear he doesn’t care what anyone thinks of him or his creepy lifestyle. His poor parents! Like I said though, EPIC parenting fail.
Ok, let me rephrase that for you: When I VOLUNTEERED In dog rescue... That was something I chose to do with my free time to “give backâ€; I not only never received any pay, I spent several thousand of my own money over the years. I suppose I could have done even more if I was living rent and bill free sponging off my parents as an adult. That would never happen though because my parents, with all their faults, raised me to be a self-sufficient, independent adult with gumption and a backbone! Yes, I sure as hell do judge any 56 year old male that has never moved out on his on, as does the rest of society. I have no idea who Mencken is, nor do I care; I see no mention of him in the original comment. But if it brings you comfort to use him to justify failure to launch, more power to you. No doubt many people could accomplish so much more professionally if they weren’t bothered by those pesky responsibilities and paying bills!
How do you know he is not paying bills and hasn't assumed adult responsibilities?
I do think 56 is a bit late to still be living @ home ... however in my area, it isn't uncommon to be in one's early 30's ands till live @ home ... mostly b/c real estate & rent prices are through the roof and a lot of young people simply can't afford it.
I lived @ home after college until 26. I saved a large chunk of money and bought my first HOUSE @ 26. Most people who stay @ home do so for those kinds of reasons and do work full-time.
I think it's a small % of people living at home, unemployed and being complete mooches. Most young people living at home are doing so with the end goal of buying something.
(I wouldn't consider 56 'young' ... I am mostly referring to 20 & 30 somethings)
"He has no kids, no big bills, etc etc.
Anybody else know someone like this?"
yes.
my wife's cousin Billy. he's should be ~58 now. graduated High School, and that was that.
he has always lived in his parents' home (both are still alive and living there, too).
he has two siblings that moved out and moved on, but Billy "can't get/keep a job" so he stays.
of course, his parents cater to him. he's not handicapped in any visible way. if he has actual
real-life friends, i don't know about them. this is bad to say, but it appears to me as if Billy's
parents treat him similar to a pet cat. provide the basics and let Billy be Billy. the last time
i talked with him over Christmas, after about 4 minutes of conversation, he said "i'm tired of this"
and shut up. yes, i'm sure he was, and it was a relief to me since my wife heard it, because she
no longer asks me to "engage" him (yes, she used to) during her family's get-togethers.
Maybe he's just too attached to his parents and is afraid that he'll regret not spending enough time with them after they're gone. This could be preventing him from wanting to start a family of his own and thus becoming attached to other people.
Doesn't want to at this point. He is used to being supported by his parents. That's not right of course.
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