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Old 04-20-2018, 08:30 AM
 
813 posts, read 598,549 times
Reputation: 3160

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ms. Tarabotti View Post
If something is bothering the OP about her relationship with her mother, why should she let it go? Why can't the mother listen to what the OP has to say? Maybe her mother doesn't want to talk about things because she would have to admit that she may treat the OP unfairly at times.
Because hanging on to those issues is not contributing to the well-being of the OP.
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Old 04-20-2018, 08:51 AM
 
307 posts, read 214,373 times
Reputation: 1464
Write her a letter and say everything you want to say to her and then put it in a drawer for at least 24 hours. Take it out, reread it, take out anything that can be perceived as an insult or unnecessary dig and put it away for another 24 hours. Rinse and repeat until you have only the pertinent facts and issues and then share with her what those are.

I'm a mom and a daughter. It's a tricky relationship sometimes. As a daughter I sometimes forget what my mother might be dealing with and hiding from me in her own life. It helps to be patient. With my daughter I have to bite my tongue sometimes as she lashes out at me for things I cannot change fast enough for her if at all. We are all flawed and most of us are doing the best we can. That doesn't mean take any abuse, just pick your battles and be realistic with your expectations of what she can and can't give you.
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Old 04-20-2018, 09:15 AM
 
9,446 posts, read 6,550,299 times
Reputation: 18898
I'm really surprised that so many here advocate "Shut up and put up". Expecting respect from one's mother certainly doesn't seem outlandish to me. How in the world would putting up with disrespect possibly contribute to her well being? Emotional abuse is not healthy for either person IMO.
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Old 04-20-2018, 02:04 PM
 
Location: Canada
6,615 posts, read 6,515,747 times
Reputation: 18433
Quote:
Originally Posted by rere900 View Post
My mom and I got into a pretty heated argument about 6 weeks ago. Although we have gotten into arguments before, and recently more frequently than I like, this is the longest we have gone without speaking to each other. When me, my husband, and our son left her house last month, she called me when we arrived home (3 hours away) and we got into a fight over several things. I ended up hanging up on her. Later that evening she sent me a text about how she was upset and not to text her back, we both needed to calm down. Well two weeks later she still had not spoken to me, so I decided to text and asked if she wanted to talk. She asked me if I wanted to talk about our argument or just other day-to-day stuff. I told her I wanted to talk about both, but more importantly some concerns about our relationship and how we get along. She said since her and my step dad were leaving to fly overseas in two days she didn't want to talk to me then, but just wanted to face time with our son (her grandson) and that's it. When we did end up face timing she said she would talk with me when they got back from their trip in about a week. So now she has returned, three days ago and I still have not heard from her. It's very unusual because we would talk almost everyday and I know she misses talking to our son, her only grandchild, and knowing how he is doing. I'm wondering if I should just wait for her to reach out to me or should I initiate contact again? I feel like she is being stubborn or something. I don't know if she is nervous about talking to me or if she really cares at all. I would think our relationship is important enough for her to talk, but now I'm wondering. Over the years I often times felt like I'm being manipulated and bullied by my mom with her words and it has really built up a lot of feelings within me. She always tells me that I need to let things go and not keep bringing up "stuff." I just have a lot I want to get off my chest, but not sure how to handle it. Any suggestions?
I'd let her contact you unless you feel that YOU were in the wrong about the argument. She wants you to coddle up to her. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction if she's a manipulative bully.
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Old 04-20-2018, 02:17 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
30,585 posts, read 25,046,354 times
Reputation: 50796
Quote:
Originally Posted by Spuggy View Post
Perhaps you both could go to a family counselor and talk through things in a safe and objective setting. Other than that I’d say don’t chase and try to solve anything,but get on with your life. She knows where you are .
This. You guys need better skills at communicating, and in understanding how the other one feels.

If you cannot get her to go with you, go by yourself.

I am guessing something is bothering her and making her act unreasonably toward you.

Good luck.
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Old 04-20-2018, 05:16 PM
 
15,534 posts, read 15,555,642 times
Reputation: 21890
First, stop texting.

Don't use anything except a conventional telephone. Make a polite call. And have at hand a list of the points you want to make, with any reminders to yourself (like "DON"T YELL" or "DON'T APOLOGIZE" or whatever you need).

Remember with whatever you're getting off your chest, it will be to your advantage to stay calm and try not to be too accusatory. For instance, instead of saying "You're always bullying me," try "Sometimes I feel like I'm being bullied."

NEVER just hang up. Say, "I'm sorry, I'm getting too worked up to talk about this right now. I'll call you next week. 'Bye."
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Old 04-20-2018, 06:37 PM
 
2,163 posts, read 1,543,801 times
Reputation: 6027
Quote:
Originally Posted by Harpaint View Post
I'm really surprised that so many here advocate "Shut up and put up". Expecting respect from one's mother certainly doesn't seem outlandish to me. How in the world would putting up with disrespect possibly contribute to her well being? Emotional abuse is not healthy for either person IMO.
Most people have the ' put up with it' attitude. God forbid you need to confront someone for mistreating you.

'But that's your MOM!!!!' ...So what?!?
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Old 04-20-2018, 08:21 PM
 
7,583 posts, read 4,137,315 times
Reputation: 6935
Quote:
Originally Posted by rere900 View Post
So if she calls me, then would it be ideal to talk with her about my feelings? Getting something off my chest probably sounds more harsh than what I anticipate. I basically want to just talk some stuff out that I have been feeling for a long time. Many things that are constantly brushed under the rug and continue to happen when we are together.
Not really.

Do you have a competitive relationship? For example, "I wouldn't have done that if I was you?" Or maybe it is a suspicious relationship? Or one where one expects the other to anticipate her needs?

There are different ways of handling these kinds of relationships if you choose to remain in them.
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