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First of all, we're both married and of the opposite sex, and before anyone suggests there is something sexual going on, there isn't. We're both married to women and about the same age but we are like brother and sister. Intellectually we are both very smart, think extremely alike, and had nearly identical abusive childhoods, so every time we meet or talk on chat, it is so interesting, long winded, and involved. He's a scientist and I work in the medical field. The problem is his wife is extremely controlling, jealous, and abusive. I had no problem telling my wife that I had met him and invited her to meet us for coffee or whatever. My wife is a wonderful lady and it is very hard for me to meet friends. I'm reserved and slow to warm up to people.
The problem is my friend (I'll call him Bob's) wife. She is abusive. She constantly accuses her husband of cheating on him. She controls Bob's access to friends, both female and male. She even hits him and the children sometimes. So Bob hasn't told her about me. He really wants to see me because he is lonely without friends and being an abused man is hard. He doesn't want to leave because he believes he can protect the children from her (although he's really not protecting them) but if they divorce she will get partial or full custody and no one will protect them. They are young, so they have many years before they are fully grown.
I'm not sure what to do. Many husbands are in abusive relationships and don't want to admit it. I probably can't do anything. I feel him drifting away and it makes me sad. Then Bob and the kids will be alone again to be beaten and controlled by his wife again. They are anyway, but at least I can listen and maybe make suggestions or help him feel better. They have been together more than 10 years. I can't even call CPS because I don't have his contact info. We were speaking on an encrypted chat because his wife searches his phone and emails all the time looking for nonexistent proof that he is cheating
He may or may not be telling you the full truth, just keep that in mind. He could benefit from talking with a counselor or going to a support group if he can get away. He needs to learn how best to diffuse his wife's anger and protect the kids if she won't get help herself.
Curious, did you know him before you started chatting online? And while you may be like brother/sister, his time with you is taking away time with his children and wife.
I'm not unsympathetic at all, my husband went through this with his first wife. He tried to take the brunt of her anger and protect the kids. He spent all his free time with them in sports, school activities and church. They divorced as soon as the youngest left for college.
First, he needs to recognize what is abuse. It's probably a lot more than he realizes, and it's likely impacting his children more than he realizes.
Then, he needs to start documenting the abuse. There are apps for that (https://www.techsafety.org/appsafetycenter), though of course he will have to be careful if she's checking his phone. This will be critical for the custody/visitation portion of the divorce. Make sure his kids have other trusted adults to talk to at church, school, etc. They are trained mandated reporters and can be witnesses.
Third, get his ducks in a row for a divorce. $$, resources, any witnesses to abuse, support groups, etc. You can perhaps help him with some of this, as it's difficult for someone in an abusive relationship to do this on the DL.
I have a family member who shares visitation with an abusive parent, and it is, indeed, difficult to prove some of this in court to protect the kids. That's why it is important to document it ALL now. And his kids are currently victims. Even half of the time with NO potential for abuse is better than a chance of abuse 100% of the time.
Location: Stuck on the East Coast, hoping to head West
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First of all, Bob is engaging in an inappropriate relationship with you. He's sharing intimate feelings and confiding with you, bonding with you over intimate details of both your lives, hiding the relationship with you from his wife...all of that is wrong. There's a really simple test: if you wouldn't do what you're doing in front of your spouse (because she would disapprove) then it's wrong. Bob's wife would have a problem with his relationship with you. It doesn't matter what you or your wife think.
Second, if children are being abused, you must report it. As an adult, you have an ethical and moral responsibility to help those children. Tell Bob if he doesn't protect his children, you will.
Third, you don't have the whole story. You're not in a position to council or help. You should give Bob information about resources to help him: domestic abuse hotlines, for example. There are apps you can get for your phone.
Fourth, you seem like a caring person. However, I don't think this ...whatever it is....with Bob is healthy for you. What does your wife think? Is she concerned about your mental and emotional welfare and the ramifications of expending all of this energy on Bob?
It sounds as if Bob is being very open with you. Coming from an abusive relationship it really falls in the person to finally know their worth and that they don’t deserve to be treated like that.
Be an ear for Bob, let him know you understand. I would gently even suggest to him that he’s deserving of a better life, he isn’t helping his children at all. Children are smart and know what’s going on. He is putting them into an abusive cycle. What kind of life does he want for them?
It’s hard for sure, the best advice I can give is to just be there for him as much as you can.
I agree with the KaraG - be very careful. This could be a scam.
I'm surprised that posters are doubting Bob's veracity. Is this because he is a man? Men are often in abusive relationships. They just don't discuss it out or embarrassment or shame. They fear ridicule or, surprise surprise, not being believed. Bob has never asked me for anything, not money nor anything else. I am actually a more suspicious person than most people. Although he could be deceiving me, I see no reason he would. He appears to be pretty open and honest overall and has shown me evidence of his personal and professional life with pics, videos, diagrams, etc. . . He appears to have no personal financial problems.
I've met him twice in person. He took a couple hours off from work, as he is a salaried manager at his place of employment. Both times were in public; both times we had conversations about many things and he has never made any type of advance toward me at all. As for whether this relationship is inappropriate, it's a friendship, nothing else. I think every person deserves to have friendships with other people whether they are married or not. My wife thinks he should tell his wife about us but she does not feel personally threatened by our friendship in any way. But I have not told my wife Bob's wife is abusive. I didn't feel it was my place to do so.
Victim-blaming and abuse denial are very common knee-jerk responses. "If it's so bad, why don't they just leave?" and garbage like that.
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