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So, DH and I moved to a new community a year ago and knew no one here. We’ve met many nice people and have had fun here. We joined a couple of clubs that we enjoy. One of the women in my mah jongg group (we play once a week) and her husband have extended several invitations to us to join them for performances, dinner out and to play cards at their home. They seem to want to get together 1-2x a month in addition to a gourmet dinner club we belong to with them (and 2 other couples). We DO like these folks, but we don’t share many of their viewpoints and we don’t really enjoy going out to dinner very often (we are weight conscious, they are not at all). This woman and her husband have strong personalities and opinions and are somewhat judgemental. They are always pleasant. Thing is, we are just not in the market for “best friends” and I do see her each week, and we get together with them and the 2 other couples monthly.
Suggestions for keeping them happy but dealing with this situation?
So, DH and I moved to a new community a year ago and knew no one here. We’ve met many nice people and have had fun here. We joined a couple of clubs that we enjoy. One of the women in my mah jongg group (we play once a week) and her husband have extended several invitations to us to join them for performances, dinner out and to play cards at their home. They seem to want to get together 1-2x a month in addition to a gourmet dinner club we belong to with them (and 2 other couples). We DO like these folks, but we don’t share many of their viewpoints and we don’t really enjoy going out to dinner very often (we are weight conscious, they are not at all). This woman and her husband have strong personalities and opinions and are somewhat judgemental. They are always pleasant. Thing is, we are just not in the market for “best friends” and I do see her each week, and we get together with them and the 2 other couples monthly.
Suggestions for keeping them happy but dealing with this situation?
Decline invitations if you don't wish to go and accept them if you do on a case by case basis. It is simple to decline without hurting feelings...just thank them for the invitation and explain that you have another obligation and leave it at that. Sounds as if they are offering you opportunities, not requirements. You don't have to agree with everything they say or do. Few adults do. If viewpoints come up that you don't want to discuss, shift the conversation to another topic. Why attach labels to your new friends (best, casual, etc) or dictate what status they will hold for you in future? They'll either become closer or they won't. Eventually the frequency and type of event will settle into something that works for everyone.
This is one of the things I do not miss about having a social life. I am just not good at saying “no” & I end up resenting people who pursue my company.
I’m not even sure what people see in me. It’s flattering but I’ve found that some people do not like to take “no” for an answer & will come up with a solution for every reason or excuse I give.
“Oh, we just happen to know a GREAT babysitter!” Or “We have plenty of room for another passenger!” If you mention that it happens to be the only night you have the whole week with your spouse, they say something strange like: “ He doesn’t expect you to ask permission, does he? Is he really that jealous? I would never put up with that ...”
I remind myself of this every time I start to feel sorry for myself & it usually snaps me right out of it.
So, DH and I moved to a new community a year ago and knew no one here. We’ve met many nice people and have had fun here. We joined a couple of clubs that we enjoy. One of the women in my mah jongg group (we play once a week) and her husband have extended several invitations to us to join them for performances, dinner out and to play cards at their home. They seem to want to get together 1-2x a month in addition to a gourmet dinner club we belong to with them (and 2 other couples). We DO like these folks, but we don’t share many of their viewpoints and we don’t really enjoy going out to dinner very often (we are weight conscious, they are not at all). This woman and her husband have strong personalities and opinions and are somewhat judgemental. They are always pleasant. Thing is, we are just not in the market for “best friends” and I do see her each week, and we get together with them and the 2 other couples monthly.
Suggestions for keeping them happy but dealing with this situation?
You don't have to keep them happy. Do what you feel is best for your life, that's all that really matters.
This is one of the things I do not miss about having a social life. I am just not good at saying “no” & I end up resenting people who pursue my company.
I’m not even sure what people see in me. It’s flattering but I’ve found that some people do not like to take “no” for an answer & will come up with a solution for every reason or excuse I give.
“Oh, we just happen to know a GREAT babysitter!” Or “We have plenty of room for another passenger!” If you mention that it happens to be the only night you have the whole week with your spouse, they say something strange like: “ He doesn’t expect you to ask permission, does he? Is he really that jealous? I would never put up with that ...”
I remind myself of this every time I start to feel sorry for myself & it usually snaps me right out of it.
Thank them again for thinking of you, stick to your excuse, and maybe offer a raincheck. Then change the subject...to something about THEM. People love offers to talk about themselves.
I understand the situation since there's a woman who I'm friendly with but don't want it to become more than that who issues invitations I keep declining
Over time, any excuses wear thin and the outcome is just going to depend on how they handle it.
Maybe somebody here will suggest something I know I haven't come up with
Thank them again for thinking of you, stick to your excuse, and maybe offer a raincheck. Then change the subject...to something about THEM. People love offers to talk about themselves.
Good point. I've found asking people about themselves is an irresistible deflector for most people.
So, DH and I moved to a new community a year ago and knew no one here. We’ve met many nice people and have had fun here. We joined a couple of clubs that we enjoy. One of the women in my mah jongg group (we play once a week) and her husband have extended several invitations to us to join them for performances, dinner out and to play cards at their home. They seem to want to get together 1-2x a month in addition to a gourmet dinner club we belong to with them (and 2 other couples). We DO like these folks, but we don’t share many of their viewpoints and we don’t really enjoy going out to dinner very often (we are weight conscious, they are not at all). This woman and her husband have strong personalities and opinions and are somewhat judgemental. They are always pleasant. Thing is, we are just not in the market for “best friends” and I do see her each week, and we get together with them and the 2 other couples monthly.
Suggestions for keeping them happy but dealing with this situation?
Next time someone invites you to something, don't feel the need to say yes or no right away. Simply say "I'm not sure if we're available that day. I'll have to get back to you." People should not immediately assume that you will want to participate or be available for every invite.
You also mentioned you were new to the community. It looks like they may be going out of their way to make you feel welcomed and not feel like outsiders.
Ruth — fyi — I play in both Asian and American MJ groups.
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