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I reached out to a guy that I used to hang out with many years ago . We were great friends at one time . It had been over 30 years since I last saw him . He seemed to have no interest in getting together for a beer , etc. I was disappointed but I moved on . We all change . Your friend is just not into it . Let it go .
I reached out to a guy that I used to hang out with many years ago . We were great friends at one time . It had been over 30 years since I last saw him . He seemed to have no interest in getting together for a beer , etc. I was disappointed but I moved on . We all change . Your friend is just not into it . Let it go .
Thank you for the comment. I didn't provide all the details in the op. Please see post 56 on the previous page.
That comment says it all. That's something that you say to someone that you plan on speaking to occasionally or not at all.
If someone I hadn't seen for 20 years emailed me 6x, they would get blocked in about 10 seconds.
Here's the situation. Four months ago I reconnected with my best friend from high school. Let's call her Maria. I hadn't spoken to her in nearly 16 years. Never had any fights or fallouts. We just lost touch after graduation. I looked for her on social networks and finally found her profile on LinkedIn. She moved to another city.
She wrote that she was really touched that I made the effort to find her and that we should resume our friendship. We exchanged two more emails after that: basically telling each what we've been up to since we last saw each other, reminiscing about our other friends, etc. She gave me her phone number and I gave her mine. I wrote her another email. Nada. Wrote her six more emails since. Still nothing. Decided not to phone her.
I'm just stunned here. Now, I know that no one is under any obligation to talk to me. I can take hints and read between the lines. I have a life and a few close friends. For example, a couple of years ago I contacted one of my acquaintances from college. We were never close but still got on really well. We exchanged a couple of phone calls and emails. Last year, I sent her a Christmas greeting and she hasn't replied since. I decided to leave it at that. Recently, my best friend didn't call me for two months and ignored my messages. I had a feeling she would that. I didn't take it personally because I know what goes in her private life. She finally called me two weeks ago and invited me for lunch at her house over the weekend.
In this case, there's nothing to read between the lines: just silence. I asked my mother for advice and she said that Maria probably thinks that those couple of emails we exchanged are enough. After all, there's nothing to discuss after so many years. I agree with that. I'm not expecting to stay in touch every week or month. However, I'm just baffled as to why she decided to just cut me off after writing how glad she was that I found her. I didn't write anything that would upset her.
Also, I feel like this is currently a one-way street. I'm the one who made the effort to find her. I don't want to send her anymore emails and I certainly don't want to call her. I feel this makes me look needy and desperate. Still, I would feel bad if I find out later on that she can't get in touch with me because of illness or depression, etc.
What would you do?
Thank you in advance.
Please leave this person alone. She doesn't want to be in contact with you.
You don't have to know why. Please just accept her no contact as a desire to be left alone.
Her ignoring you is her way of avoiding telling you directly, and while it is a bit cowardly, it is a message. Pay attention to it.
After so many years, friends probably do not have that much in common with one another. In your case the probability is probably the reality.
This does not mean that you are a bad person, or anything like that. Sending 6 emails, with no response, tells me that you might have boundary issues, or that you might have trouble recognizing social cues.
I do know that your friend no longer wants to be friends; if she did she would have responded to you before now.
Or quite possibly she just doesn't have the time to maintain a long distance friendship. I know myself, I would not. I have a hard enough time as it is making time for my friends that live near me.
she wrote that she was very moved that I found her and that she missed me, and that she wants to stay in touch. In the second email she asked me about contacting a couple of our friends and our favorite teacher. She's the one who brought it up. I replied with a few suggestions and related questions. Is it unreasonable of me to expect a response?
I think the above, which I bolded, combined with another post where you said you thought you had asked her too many questions (below) is the key to the whole saga. Apparently she was touched, and possibly interested in contacting a few other people from the past with your help, however, when she received the reply where you asked "a few" related questions (most likely more than a few if you later said you thought you had asked too many), this scared her off and she was no longer interested.
In effect, she realized your intent was different than hers and that is why she stopped replying. At first she thought it was touching and nice to reconnect, and then she realized you wanted an intense ask-too-many-questions and reminisce-about-too-many-things relationship going forward and she simply wasn't interested.
So there's a possible answer as to why she replied positively at first and then no longer was. Your intense emails scared her off. (They would have scared me off too. I don't need to do the whole "remember when" game with anyone I haven't spoken to in almost 20 years.) There, I solved it for you.
I hope you can forget about it and move on, because, really, it's not worth a second more of your time. Or ours!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marissa23
I even wrote in one of the emails that I feel like I asked her too many questions in one email.
I missed the part about the six emails. A relationship needs to be a give and take. When someone is doing all the communicating, or proceeding a lot faster than the other person, it's unbalanced.
OP, I don't think you intended any harm, but there are scary people out there who act in the same manner you did, albeit with bad intentions. There are also very needy, clingy people who rush into relationships, and that turns some people off. Maria might have had a bad experience with someone who started out that way.
In a way, it's harder with online relationships because you don't get any cues from the other person's facial expressions or voice. It's easy to get too personal, too. Something that helped me was thinking about whether I would say what I'm writing to the person's face.
Next time you look someone up, consider whether the exchange is balanced and going at a normal pace. Most people won't rush things with someone they haven't seen in many years. A suggestion: take your cues from the other person. Hope this helps.
OP --- I didn't go through all the posts yet but wanted to tell you that you aren't alone.
15 years ago, my high school had a huge reunion. Since it was a small school, it was held for all classes. I was part of the planning committee and decided that I would search for my BFF from that time. I found her and sent her an email and plainly stated in the subject line that I was looking for her (in case, I had found the wrong person). I let her know that our HS was having a reunion. She wrote back and was happy to hear from me. Also, she asked me to give her more details and keep her posted as plans progressed.
So...I did what she asked. I even let her know when the deadline was for buying tickets. Despite it all, she never once responded to anything that I wrote.
When the reunion was over, I sent her one last email saying that I was sorry that she didn't come. Then I added that I hoped she would keep in touch. Never did I hear back from her again.
It puzzled me, too. I never understood what happened. How could she go from being really excited about it (she loved our HS and cried when she graduated) to never responding to my emails?
I think she could have sent an email saying that she wouldn't be able to make the reunion instead of having me send her emails detailing the progress of the planning. Or, after I contacted her after the reunion, she could have written back and said she wasn't able to make it, and, maybe thanking me for keeping her informed.
I don't understand why people can't at least respond. Maria could have said something to you like, telling you her life is very busy right now. Or, maybe, something like when things calm down, she'll get back in touch.
I know it's very puzzling but I agree with those who said just let it go, hard as that is to do.
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That's really reaching. People can use their smartphone, work computer, etc.
