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I have two sets of friends who always seem to take but not give.
We are doing pretty well financially so we invite our friends over to have dinner, usually steak or seafood with desert. Take them for trips on our boat with food and drinks etc.
I typically don’t think about the cost because it’s the lifestyle we live. However in return, we are invited to their house for dinner that typically consists of chicken legs and a minimal amount of food so you feel bad asking for more and have to pretend that you are full. While they are younger than us that both have good jobs and while that might be customary for them to eat that way it’s not how we eat. It’s not how they eat when they come to our house. They never go away hungry.
Another friend of mine gets the same treatment as mentioned above. However, we are never invited to dinner at their house; dinners are always dutch at relatively expensive restaurants (ones that I typically would not go to) and only invited to events that require me to pay for something (for example birthdays or concerts)
In retrospect, we have friends who have taken us all over the world. We always pay for dinners out. It does not compensate for the generosity they have shown us, but what else can we do for people that have zero wants or needs?
I think its time I start reeling in my generosity.
Ok, your probably confused, but I feel better now <end rant>
For this reason, I ask SO to tell her friend to not cook for us. We always visit them, as we live in a small apartment. My SO does bring treats for everyone, but I still feel like a freeloader, cause we never made a meal for them.
Why are these people your friends? What is it about them that makes you feel good in their company? What do they bring to your life that you would miss if they were not in it? Are they trustworthy, someone you could count on in an emergency? Do they care about you? Would they stay your friends if you weren't so affluent?
If they have your back, make you happy, lift you up, enhance the quality of your life in some way, then everything else is just money and probably irrelevant, unless you feel the money issue is significant.
If their friendship does not enhance your life in some way, then the money issue definitely is significant, and you might want to reconsider why you have these people in your life.
Very nice answer!
You can dial back your menu when you have company to be less expensive. If they are coming for your company rather than the seafood you'll find out soon enough. Do they ever offer to bring anything? I generally bring some flowers or seasonal fruit if the menu is 'all set'.
Another option is to adjust the time of your gatherings. 8pm for drinks and dessert. 4pm for cocktails. 2pm for chips and dip and beer. Not mealtimes.
When they invite you over, ask what you can bring. a Big salad is not expensive. Always take something, even if it is just something you pick up at the bakery. It would not have to be served while you are there to count.
My family once went to have dinner at the home of acquaintances. There was a big show made of 'Oh, we accidentally forgot to defrost enough chicken!' Two summers later we went back. Exact same thing happened. The funny thing was, we didn't really think the portions of chicken were skimpy...wouldn't have noticed a thing if they hadn't said anything.
Don't you think most people have a pretty good sense of when they are being taken advantage of? I know I do. Here's an example from the distant past: We were a group of couples, the men fresh home from the Vietnam War, everybody struggling to get re-established.
One of the men wanted to take his wife out for her birthday and invited three other couples along. We were poor as church mice and he chose the most expensive restaurant in town. But we wanted to help celebrate so we went and ordered the least expensive thing on the menu.
He and his wife ordered steak and lobster. When the bill came he suggested that we just divide the bill four ways. They got scratched off our social list after that. We both felt taken advantage of.
Of course the closest of our friends are welcome to join us at any meal on the spur of the moment and we all make do with what's in the house. But if I invite someone to come to dinner I think it's rather mean-spirited to think that they can just eat the way we eat or go hungry. I try to think about their eating habits (because they are my friends) and to put in front of them what will make them feel like welcome guests. If I knew they were big eaters and I were on a limited budget I'd just make up an extra bowl of potato salad or mac and cheese to add so that no one leaves my table hungry.
Isn't that what friendship is about - knowing each other and pleasing each other? It's not about how much money we spend on each other but rather are we meeting each others' needs for a friendship?
It's the same for me with listening and talking which aren't monetary at all. If I'm hanging out with someone who wants to talk about herself all the time but doesn't have time to listen to me it doesn't take me long to feel my needs aren't being met in the relationship. Then resentment and feeling taken advantage of set in.
I just always try to seek out people who are capable of a fairly equal give and take in friendship no matter whether it's food or other things. Those are the friendships that are the most satisfying to me.
There is an exception and that's people who I know need more of whatever than I do. For them I give more because I consider it a gift. When I do that I better know that I'm not going to start resenting it later or I don't do it at all. Don't ever give with expectations of equal returns. It's a set up for unhappiness.
(There is one more exception. That's a wealthy and stingy cousin. When I go to her house to eat, which isn't often, I offer to bring the main dish. She's more than glad to accept. I get to see the rest of that side of my family and consider it an equal trade-off. Everybody knows she's stingy. It's just the way she is.)
I would never assume that because someone is well off, they are obligated to pay for me or anyone else. Their money is their money, and nobody can tell them what to do with it.
I've known my best friend for nearly 20 years. She's 13 yrs. younger than me. We used to work together.
Often times, we'd walk over to the food court at the mall for lunch. Maybe once or twice a week. It was always kind of random. Not a planned 'Monday and Wednesday' kind of thing, and maybe we WOULD go a week or two, NOT going to the food court.
Often, I picked up the tab on the lunches. We always had fun, her friendship was valuable to me, and honestly...it just didn't matter to me, picking up the tab. I know it bothered her sometimes, and she worried that she was taking advantage of me, but heck, if I didn't HAVE the money...then we're not going to the food court. That's just how I looked at it.
Years go by. We're still friends, although we live far apart. Her and her husband decide they want to move to Tennessee, but they decide it would be a good idea to check out the area...look at a few homes for sale, look around the area, etc.
She asked me if I wanted to make the road trip with her, which I did. We had a blast. Such a fun time!
And she didn't let me pay for anything. Not for gas, not for meals, not for the beers, not for the hotel room...not one thing. Her reason was, I had paid for her lunches so many times, all those years ago, and she always appreciated it, and now this was her chance to pay me back.
I never counted the pennies back then. Like I said, I was like "If I have the extra money, let's go to the food court." It would not have been as much fun, if she didn't go with me.
Anyway, moral of the story...if these people are truly friends, and they enrich your life by being in it...then don't count the pennies.
If these people drain you, and don't enrich your life by being in it, then cut the purse strings. But you never know when financial circumstances can change, and they might be able to "return the favor" someday.
Don't you think most people have a pretty good sense of when they are being taken advantage of? I know I do. Here's an example from the distant past: We were a group of couples, the men fresh home from the Vietnam War, everybody struggling to get re-established.
One of the men wanted to take his wife out for her birthday and invited three other couples along. We were poor as church mice and he chose the most expensive restaurant in town. But we wanted to help celebrate so we went and ordered the least expensive thing on the menu.
He and his wife ordered steak and lobster. When the bill came he suggested that we just divide the bill four ways. They got scratched off our social list after that. We both felt taken advantage of.
Of course the closest of our friends are welcome to join us at any meal on the spur of the moment and we all make do with what's in the house. But if I invite someone to come to dinner I think it's rather mean-spirited to think that they can just eat the way we eat or go hungry. I try to think about their eating habits (because they are my friends) and to put in front of them what will make them feel like welcome guests. If I knew they were big eaters and I were on a limited budget I'd just make up an extra bowl of potato salad or mac and cheese to add so that no one leaves my table hungry.
Isn't that what friendship is about - knowing each other and pleasing each other? It's not about how much money we spend on each other but rather are we meeting each others' needs for a friendship?
It's the same for me with listening and talking which aren't monetary at all. If I'm hanging out with someone who wants to talk about herself all the time but doesn't have time to listen to me it doesn't take me long to feel my needs aren't being met in the relationship. Then resentment and feeling taken advantage of set in.
I just always try to seek out people who are capable of a fairly equal give and take in friendship no matter whether it's food or other things. Those are the friendships that are the most satisfying to me.
There is an exception and that's people who I know need more of whatever than I do. For them I give more because I consider it a gift. When I do that I better know that I'm not going to start resenting it later or I don't do it at all. Don't ever give with expectations of equal returns. It's a set up for unhappiness.
(There is one more exception. That's a wealthy and stingy cousin. When I go to her house to eat, which isn't often, I offer to bring the main dish. She's more than glad to accept. I get to see the rest of that side of my family and consider it an equal trade-off. Everybody knows she's stingy. It's just the way she is.)
SO this! This warms my heart, Lodestar. :-)
Sometimes, friends need to be held up to keep their heads above water, and we do what we can to help out. No one wants to see their friends go through hard times if they can help it. At least, I don't. I want to help where I can.
On the people with the paltry chicken dinners: Take a side dish over so you don't leave starving.
I don't think you can expect "tit for tat."
If you are well off, you are in a position to entertain and other people might be truly struggling.
Just make the best of it.
For the super rich people - I am sure they would always enjoy some kind of gracious gift no matter if they could buy it themselves or not. It is the thought that counts.
Just take a box of Col. Sanders and a big mess o' snashed 'taters next time they're "invited over" for "dinner."
As for the super rich friends? See if you can wangle an invitation to the chicken-drumsticks couple for them, so they can truly see how the other half lives.
It sounds like your generosity has too many strings attached to it which makes it actually very selfish. Just don't do it, or get fancier, richer friends to wine and dine you. Geez
To me I don't want or expect equal dollar for dollar treatment from my friends. I really don't care, I'm wealthier than they are, but I like to see that they make some effort and I'm a bit cautious about users having spent years in Los Angeles being taken advantage of constantly. I would say all of my friends are really good about being generous and being good hosts, and even though it's true that 90% of the time we hang out at my house, that doesn't stop them from bringing their own food over or making a pizza here or something like that. It's not like they expect a free handout. That's all it's about for me, I just don't want to feel that 100% of the time I'm being used for something, but I don't care if it's 50-50 nor do I pay that much attention.
I will say that I used to find it a snooty attitude, even growing up wealthy, when people acted like if you're rich you should hang out with rich friends, but the more life experience I've had and my GF has had, the more we've realized that even if WE personally don't care if our friends are poor or rich or somewhere in between, most other people do. You simply don't see jealousy out of happy, successful friends, even if they're not rich, if they make good money and they love their jobs, they won't be jealous of you or anything you have. They'll be happy for you, and they're happy themselves. It's like happy people make good friends, rich or poor, but it tends to be that a lot of poor people are very frustrated by their lives and they can't help but imagine being in your shoes. We've encountered a lot of strange behavior with people like this, especially my girlfriend recently (only because I haven't been trying to make new friends ha ha), because they know the age difference between us, they know I'm the one with the money, and sometimes I think it really bothers them that she happens to be pretty enough and smart enough and awesome enough to be with a rich guy who takes care of her and gives her a great lifestyle. I mean, that's their problem though, I told her she can't feel guilty about that because it's simply not her fault. It's THEIR issue, and if they have issues like that, screw 'em, they won't make good friends anyway.
I do think even for me, though, I feel more comfortable being friends with someone who is doing well financially because I'm just nervous that "being myself" I will slip up and say something to make them feel bad if they're struggling to afford something that's $100 and there I am talking about my collectibles or they notice I bought a few new video games or something. There are those rare people who are content enough they simply don't care how much money you have, they will never be jealous, and they're just like that as people. But I think after this many years, I've learned it's human nature that some people are just always jealous. I had a best friend in high school who was from a poor family and we took him on vacations, paid for his meals, he never once invited me over for dinner to his house. I had been to his house, sure, but never had dinner with his parents, never really shown much hospitality. The guy went to Vegas with us and stayed at the penthouse suite at the Bellagio, traveled by private plane to Cabo San Lucas, and I let him use my film equipment for his own projects, even helped him on these projects, but he never allowed me any creative input despite the fact I was also pursuing film (and am now a director in the union). Over time he started to make a lot of passive-aggressive little comments, putting me down, obviously trying to assert that he was "better" than me despite my money, when I didn't care about any of that I just valued his friendship and we had a lot of fun times together. Eventually it became too much and eventually with repeated experiences like this in Los Angeles, I started concluding I'd rather not make friends with people who are too far below me in economic fortunes. It's simply too risky and I've been burned too many times. I'd rather hang out with other wealthy, successful people where we can talk about whatever we want and nobody is going to be getting jealous because we're on the same playing field.
It's sad to say, because I came into the world not judging anyone by their material wealth, and went through most of my life feeling the same way, being friends with everyone. But the world eventually turns you cynical and it forced my hand. I'm not willing to deal with bad odds making new friends anymore. They're either successful and winners, or they won't be my friends.
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