Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Here are two things that might first seem unrelated. I am going through Celebrate Recovery, as 12 step program from habits, hurts and hang-ups. We go through AA's 12 step program with a Christ-centered approach. One of the big ones is making amends.
Second thing since my wife and I got divorced, I've been gnawing on how we treated her ex at the time. I found that I had been deluding myself in their break-up. You don't have to be married or even in a relationship to commit adultery. She was with someone; I was not.
He randomly sent me a message through Facebook recently about a hobby I am in. I've never had much contact with him ever except for once tense encounter in 1994. But I feel like I need to acknowledge that I was wrong back then and apologize to him.
The 8th and 9th steps are the keys one here --
8.) Making a list of wrongs done to others and being willing to make amends for those wrongs
9.) Contacting those who have been hurt, unless doing so would harm the person
I don't believe it would harm him, but I'm wondering how others might feel if they were in either my position or in his. Not sure what the amends might be though.
It did make me ask myself a peculiar question though -- If the enemy of my enemy is my friend, then can the ex of my ex also be my friend? He's Facebook requested me as a friend before and I declined at the time. Not sure he will do the same this time or not.
Keep it simple. If you believed that you have wronged your ex's ex, send a quick private note or call him and briefly say that you are sorry for the way you treated him at the time, it has been nagging at you and that you wish to apologize for your actions.
Nothing more. I would probably not pursue a friendship as there is no other nexus with him other than your mutual ex. Let that ALL go. Good luck.
If he had been badly hurt by past events or unable to get past them, I doubt he would have made the Facebook hobby contact at all. If it helps you to acknowledge the past in some way what's wrong with doing so? Then just let it lie.
Keep it simple. If you believed that you have wronged your ex's ex, send a quick private note or call him and briefly say that you are sorry for the way you treated him at the time, it has been nagging at you and that you wish to apologize for your actions.
Nothing more. I would probably not pursue a friendship as there is no other nexus with him other than your mutual ex. Let that ALL go. Good luck.
Absolutely.
Apologize to him, explain why you are doing so, and then move forward. I would not try to do MORE than that.
If he had been badly hurt by past events or unable to get past them, I doubt he would have made the Facebook hobby contact at all. If it helps you to acknowledge the past in some way what's wrong with doing so? Then just let it lie.
What's wrong with doing so is that these grand acknowledgements are often mostly, if not entirely, for the benefit of the person making them rather than the person who was wronged years ago. It's one of the issues with these programs and their sets of steps. OP if you genuinely feel that he is still upset and feeling wronged, go ahead with your apology. If it's only to relieve your own guilt and check off one of your steps, don't.
He reached out to you about a hobby you're in. Seems to me if he was still feeling hurt about the past, he would not have contacted you.
Why not respond on the hobby, and let things progress as it would with anyone else who contacted you about that hobby? If you also decide to apologize, fine, but just once, and don't bring up the details. Let any relationship develop normally after that.
What's wrong with doing so is that these grand acknowledgements are often mostly, if not entirely, for the benefit of the person making them rather than the person who was wronged years ago. It's one of the issues with these programs and their sets of steps. OP if you genuinely feel that he is still upset and feeling wronged, go ahead with your apology. If it's only to relieve your own guilt and check off one of your steps, don't.
This, absolutely. Don't dig up old wrongs just to make yourself feel better.
I think your taking responsibility for your actions is a wonderful thing Joe. Kudos for standing up and being mature. I think the world needs more people like you. Can the ex of your ex be your friend? Sure, why not if it's a mutual agreement. Talk to him in person face to face and apologize. Then let the relationship take it's natural course. Good luck to you Joe.
If it's only to relieve your own guilt and check off one of your steps, don't.
Quote:
Originally Posted by WellShoneMoon
This, absolutely. Don't dig up old wrongs just to make yourself feel better.
That's part of the 12-step process, though.
Besides, there's a difference between apologizing and making amends, and the 12-step process calls for it not to relieve yourself of guilt or cover up an old wound but to amend a hurtful situation. It's part of healing that broken past.
IDK the OP's motives, but if he needs to make amends he should. That doesn't mean he has to continue a friendship with the guy if he doesn't want it.
Interesting points made on both sides. I need to study up on making amends and just trying to make yourself feel better.
So here's the follow up. We did chat yesterday and I was playing it by ear on how to proeed. When he said he had heard of my medical situation and felt bad for me (small town here. Everybody knows everybody and their business.) I decided he had opened the door for. The apology was brief. I didn't dredge up details. I basically said I was sorry for the hand I had in breaking them up. Not said is that the 48 year old version of myself is better than the 24 year old version was.
There was a pause on his end as we were chatting through Facebook Messenger. Then he said "Wow." and indicated it meant a lot to him. He commented about our mutal ex, but I played it safe and only said "I've had a lot of thinking to do since the divorce." And that was it. He mentioned a friend going through my medical situation and suggested that person and I might want to compare notes sometime.
Later that night, I did begin to question my motives. I typically don't live with regrets as that does no real good. I try to live, learn and move on. But that's much easier in theory.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
