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Your friend (?) is not simply bashing her husband behind his back, she's demonstrating disloyal undercutting of her husband. She's what's called a shrew. She is trying to turn you (her husband's friends) against her husband. She is a spiteful saboteur trying to undermine, weaken and reduce him to nothing. She wants him to lose respect in the eyes of others who care about him and she's looking for approval and support from you (and probably others of his acquaintance) in her efforts to sabotage her husband.
You say she doesn't get along with her in-laws, so could the real truth possibly be it's because they recognized her shrewish nature early on? Most likely his loved ones wouldn't tolerate her trying to make him look small to his family and they have already called her to task for it on other occasions in the past.
I wonder what kinds of abusive things she says to his face when they are alone in private, or what mean spirited things she says about him to their children, or to his other friends, family, employers, neighbours or anyone else who will listen to her? Why is she trying to destroy her husband?
If her husband is genuinely innocent of her accusations against him then personally I would be more concerned about supporting the well being, happiness and friendship of the hapless husband than I would be about losing the friendship of the shrewish wife. With a friend like her trying to drag his other friends down to her own spiteful level against him, who needs enemies? She is no friend to him or to his and her friends.
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The OP said they have known the couple for years and it’s only been over the past several years that the wife’s comments have become toxic/overwhelming. I don’t really think that’s the sign of a shrew, but the sign of someone who needs marital counseling or therapy. People who don’t have productive ways to communicate with each other often carry that into relationships with others. Clearly the wife doesn’t know how to communicate with her husband effectively and needs help from a trained third party who can assist.
Do you think it might be a condition like progressing dementia on her part?
I was wondering the same thing. We have neighbors that we've known for 5 years and the wife exhibits this same behavior. She was recently diagnosed with dementia. I think they are in their 50s or early 60s. It is so sad. She has gotten so bad that she will even call the police and has accused him of abuse, even though he has not abused her. He installed expensive video monitoring equipment in their home for his own protection so that he can prove he did not do the things she is trying to blame him for. When she's talking to us about him, being so negative and accusatory and complaining, it's as if she can't help herself. It's really sad.
Just throwing this out there - it could be, too, that the husband behaves in a different way at home that he does in front of other people. Maybe he's NOT as great a guy as you think he is. Lots of charismatic people hide who they really are to everyone but those who live with them.
Not that that would make it okay for her to bash him constantly, but there could be a reason behind her behavior.
I had a friend and former co-worker who was constantly bashing her SO, but then seemed surprised that none of our mutual colleagues had a very high opinion of him. At one point, she announced to everyone that she was having a baby and thought that people were judging her because they were not married, given the "weird reaction" she received from everyone. In fact, I believe most of our co-workers were simply shocked she was having a baby with a guy she was constantly trashing and describing as lazy, untrustworthy, etc. She also shared with me at one point that she had to cut off a friendship with someone who didn't like her SO. Yet my guess would be that at least part of the former friend's beef with her SO was stories she heard from this woman.
My point is that some people don't seem to recognize that constantly "venting" negative comments about their spouse or SO paints not only that other person but (in my opinion) themselves in a negative light. I did end up distancing myself from this particular friend over time, because she also had a tendency to be negative in general and to "enjoy" staying in a situation that she wasn't happy with rather than taking steps to improve anything. OP, since you say you don't want the relationship to drop off in this case, I think you may have to speak up and say, "you seem unhappy with Bob, have you talked to him about these concerns?" and then perhaps communicate that you don't feel comfortable discussing them with her behind Bob's back. If she's starting to make the comments in front of or near "Bob" as you indicated in one of your posts, it also sounds like the situation is escalating over time?
Just throwing this out there - it could be, too, that the husband behaves in a different way at home that he does in front of other people. Maybe he's NOT as great a guy as you think he is. Lots of charismatic people hide who they really are to everyone but those who live with them.
Not that that would make it okay for her to bash him constantly, but there could be a reason behind her behavior.
I thought about this too. Why are we assuming that he's the sweet and innocent one in all of this?
Quote:
Originally Posted by eastdallasmom
I had a friend and former co-worker who was constantly bashing her SO, but then seemed surprised that none of our mutual colleagues had a very high opinion of him. At one point, she announced to everyone that she was having a baby and thought that people were judging her because they were not married, given the "weird reaction" she received from everyone. In fact, I believe most of our co-workers were simply shocked she was having a baby with a guy she was constantly trashing and describing as lazy, untrustworthy, etc. She also shared with me at one point that she had to cut off a friendship with someone who didn't like her SO. Yet my guess would be that at least part of the former friend's beef with her SO was stories she heard from this woman.
I agree with this. That's why, when I do vent about my husband, I do it to online friends, etc. Not to my mom, not to mutual friends...because then when I'm not mad anymore, I don't have to worry about the people in our day-to-day lives having negative opinions.
Just throwing this out there - it could be, too, that the husband behaves in a different way at home that he does in front of other people. Maybe he's NOT as great a guy as you think he is. Lots of charismatic people hide who they really are to everyone but those who live with them.
Not that that would make it okay for her to bash him constantly, but there could be a reason behind her behavior.
It Is quite possible. I had a friend who did this. It was not constant bashing, but bizarre ultra personal comments/insults she would make when he was out of earshot. My parents met the couple and hated the husband... my mom thought he was likely a narcissist (she is a mental health professional). Needless to say she was happy when she heard the wife had asked for a divorce and could never understand how I could handle the husband. When I took her side and refused to date him when they were divorcing, he tried to smear my reputation. It did not take me long to understand what she must have gone through in their 10-year marriage.
Lots of options. The next time she crosses the line, tell her in mild tones that bullying isn't allowed in your house. Or just give her a long deadpan look, say "Wow." and then change the subject.
Another option is essentially clicker training her. When she is negative and bullying toward her husband, you and your husband can disengage with her - no eye contact, no feedback or response, and engage with the husband. She only gets a response from you guys when she makes a positive comment. Then you engage fully and warmly, ask questions and make eye contact. I have fund with this a lot.
Here's the thing - what she's doing is not just damaging to her marriage. It is also damaging to her children. I wouldn't be surprised if she runs her kids down too.
S.O. and I have very close friends and the wife has slowly over the years (but currently almost every time we talk) bashed her husband and says how horrible he is. We have a feeling that he would be completely blind sided to hear this, not that we would say anything because it's not our place to bring it to his attention and stir the pot.
As we are equally close with them both, how do we handle this?
We made friends with them through our kids so it's always been the four of us establishing the friendship, making me and my S.O. equally as loyal to them both I guess, and not something where we were friends with one and then the other came along... We have been good friends 11 years and have known eachoher about 14 years.
It's making her look bad and impacting our view of her, and making us uncomfortable... I don't know what type of advice she expects, but we aren't giving any; it's crossing boundaries and we don't know how to put a stop to it without just distancing ourselves to not risk losing the friendship altogether.
What is frustrating is that in the past we have no issue setting a boundary with anybody, but this is just different and I can't put my finger on why... Maybe guilt (?) because she calls us her family, and she literally has no living family outside of her own and doesn't get along with her in-laws, so we are "it" for her.
Anyone have advice how to deal with this?
If she starts to talk about him, just change the subject to anything else but. Maybe if you do that a couple more times she might get the message.
I've seen situations similar to this... where one spouse will bash the other to a friend. Usually it is more about venting to someone than it is about the "bashed spouse" being a truly terrible person. However, I think the friend has misplaced who to vent to. If, for example, the OP and the spouse are both mutual friends with the other couple.. yeah - that's just not right.
I'd probably distance myself from that.
Honestly, in my experience, I've found that the only people willing to vent about their spouses are those people that have zero intention of you having any sort of relationship with that spouse. It keeps the worlds from colliding.
say something like, "we love spending time with you guys and doing things together, but by talking to me about your problem, makes me uncomfortable, and puts me in an unwanted position of having to chose sides" You need to speak with your husband about these issues, or a marriage counselor...but I would appreciate it if we would no longer discuss these issues."
But before doing this, discuss this with hubby. Ask him if he is ok with you talking with her sincerely about this...and if he is, then talk with her about it....but only what I've said above....ask her to involve you no further, as it is extremely uncomfortable.
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