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The big question is...should one or both either die or have to move out for whatever reason, would you and your spouse still be able to afford to pay the lease on your own?
OP, have these 2 ever been guests in your home? How long? After about 3 days, I'm ready for my in-laws and even my own parents to leave. Its' hard having people in your house.
No kidding! We lived with my MIL when our first home was being built. We were there 5 months and I was pulling my hair out! We had ZERO privacy! It was literally the worst 5 months EVER! I actually like my MIL before that, after that experience I look at her much differently and it’s not for the good.
My point is.....if these women are capable of living alone, let them. I suggested earlier in the thread to maybe get a duplex or two connecting townhouses or two house on one property. That way you’re still close to help them, but you still have your own space!
In the 5 pages, I was looking if anyone mentioned you needed counseling , directly. Because in these days its a strange thing to do.
My Mother cared for 2 elders , one of whom was completely bed ridden , in addition to having 2 toddlers. Many relatives wondered if they were leaving behind some fortune and all. nearly 3 decades later she isnt unhappy at all.
Recently my husbands mother and grandmother have gone downhill in their health and I worry that with their increasing age they will be having a hard time living by themselves. Both have very reduced ability to walk and currently living 3+ hours away from us making it hard to help despite my hubby and I having a flexible scheduled. When we first got married we really didn't think much about what we wanted to do for them. Our plan was to escape Washington and visit monthly, but now neither of us would enjoy that as we constantly worry about his family,especially as the area they currently live in gets rougher yet more expensive.
So this week we sat down and made the decision to have the mother and grandmother live with us and together we would all find housing near Seattle and help each other out. We don't have children, but plan on starting soon and I grew up in a multi generational home so I understand the value it holds in raising children. We talked to them and both are ecstatic about us staying and everyone seems to be taking a collective deep breath.
My best friend was the first to shoot the idea down. She thinks having my husbands family is going to cause tension between me and his mother considering he's a bit of a mommas boy (a mild one in my mind, he calls his mother every day and obviously he's open to this. Nothing too intense). My friend also said that I'm setting myself up for a unpaid caregiver role, which I thought was ridicules because both women coming to live with us are extremely independent and despite their disabilities they are very self-sufficient (they've made it this far by themselves, no husbands or family other then us) and even if so, the point is to help two elderly women live safer. I was going to just ignore it until my own family expressed the same concerns in addition caution me against getting too excited about building a deeper relationship with them because "they seem to just want a free ride" (btw, both are paying a portion of rent and all their own expense at their request). In this case my family is threatening to not come visit or support this decision which is really a shocker since they've only met his family at our wedding and they all seemed to get along.
I don't care what friends or other family think too much; we're moving them in regardless. And I have very good relationships with both ladies already so I don't have tension or anything negative already brewing. But everyone in my life is saying things are definitely going to sour when we do this.
Should I be wary of being too optimistic of this situation? Is there anything we need to do or clarify beforehand? I honestly don't think so, all of us get along fine and have almost everything in common from politics to when we get up in the morning.....I know that problems and conflicts happen, but I don't get all the warnings and advice against caring for elderly and disabled relatives. Is it just how people are now....I don't get the negativity coming my way and I want to be ready for anything to do whats best for everyone.
Good luck with what you 2 are planning to do.I do have to say that I do somewhat agree with your friend.Right now,his mom and grandmother is doing well BUT you haven't even thought about if their health does start to really fail to the point that they would need more care that honestly, you wouldn't be able to provide UNLESS you get the help of healthcare services to help out when that happens.Now if you have thought about that and have the money to do that..then there shouldn't be any problems.Taking care of a grown adult can become a huge comittment especially when they will start needing nurse care in the home.If you guys are financially prepared to do that...then it will be a great thing for his mom and grandmother.
I definitely note that we're very very VERY different then most couples. We grew up caregiving since we were children, ...
What kind of caregiving though? Primary live-in elder care? I think you might be underestimating what can be involved. It's not like babysitting siblings or occasionally helping out grandma.
Have you considered something along the lines of an assisted living facility? That way they can have their own "place", but have somebody close by if they're needed. Plus it could be near you so they could come and visit and you'll be close in case you're needed.
There is a multi generation family living two doors down complete with a new baby. I love visiting them. That house is so full of love. Yes there are conflicts from time to time, but what family doesn't have them? You both sound like good people music. I say go for it. Maybe look for a property that has an in-law arrangement? I just love happy families. Sadly, that doesn't exist in my universe.
Was just looking for advice, not looking to be swayed one way or another. But I do like to hear others views so if people have additional thoughts or ideas definitely let me know as we're totally looking at trying to make this work, but we're aware that things come up and we would like to know some solutions and cautions before hand and possible stories or examples of other who have brought in parents or relatives.
I definitely note that we're very very VERY different then most couples. We grew up caregiving since we were children, we don't mind sharing living space even as a couple (have done it for years before and prefer it), we plan on providing for them as they advance anyway, and this move is also helping consolidate everyone needs to be in or near Seattle which is our number one place to live and raise our family if we can.
So please continue to give advice and share your thoughts on the matter. But yes, this has already been decided, we're just wanting to continue learning and preparing for all the things we've thought about happening and things we've never though about.
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Originally Posted by hertfordshire
What kind of caregiving though? Primary live-in elder care? I think you might be underestimating what can be involved. It's not like babysitting siblings or occasionally helping out grandma.
Were either of you the sole care provider for individuals, though? Did you have to make major decisions about the quality of another person's life?
I'm glad that you want to take care of your aging relatives, I really am. To many people today just put old people in nursing homes and forget about them. I guess I'm just a realist- I like to think in terms of the worst possible scenarios and how I would cope with them.
I could be wrong but when you mentioned living in a multi generational house, you said that your grandparents lived in a separate home on the property. That is way different than three generations living under the same roof. You said that your DH is a bit of a mama's boy, will he be able to go against his mother if differences arise between you and your MIL? Will the relationship dynamics change now that everyone does not have their own separate households?
Before they move in, I would want to have frank discussions about their financial and medical records. Are they in a position to provide long term monetary support towards the rent, provided that there are no health issues? Do they have money set aside in case of medical treatments, nursing care, etc.? Good nursing homes and assisted living facilities are very expensive, do they have insurance that can cover some of the expenses?
Music has stated that they have discussed monetary issues yet people keep bringing that up. Why?
One thing I did think of. Can you make sure, since you'll be renting, that you can put up grab bars in the bathroom? I live in a handicapped apartment due to a severe back injury and surgery. I love having grab bars, especially around the tub/shower area. They make me feel a lot safer and I do use them as needed.
When my sister was taking care of our mom, my brothers put grab bars in the bathroom and along the wall of her room so she could get around easier. Made a huge difference to her quality of life, as it does mine.
Lutheran Social Services also provided a volunteer to be with mom so my sister could have some time to herself. The rest of us helped as we could but most worked and lived quite a ways away.
You could also check into food help. I was pleasantly surprised when I moved here, to Arizona, that there was a program for low income families and seniors to receive a goodly amount of nutritious food once a month. It has really helped my budget. Ours is income based and because I receive social security I qualify for it.
These are things you don't think about when you are younger as you don't need them but there are programs in place available to elders.
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