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Family dynamics are complicated. I've watched family members give money to other family members my whole life. It amounted to enabling. I don't blame people for not wanting to do that. When donating to a charity, there are no strings, no expectations, no personal judgement.
No. I'm thankfully in a position where I don't need help from anyone. I don't mean that in a bragging way...things can and do change for people, no matter how well they plan or try. But no.
I asked the question because I have some fairly well-to-do family members who make a big production of donating large amounts of money to various different charities, but there are other members of the family who are really struggling. In particular, they have grandchildren who are doing without some necessities.
When they've been approached for help in the past, they not only say "no" but have been quite nasty about it.
.
Are the grandparents close to their adult children? Why are the parents not able to provide necessities to their children? Do the grandparents live close to their grandchildren?
You don’t really provide an adequate example. For all we know the grandparents are sick of enabling the bad choices of the parents and/or sick of being exploited. You say the parent/s have asked the grandparents in the past so it seems there is an ongoing issue of the parents not providing for their children. Are grandparents supposed to bankroll parents raising their own children? What necessities are these grandchildren missing?
I'm of two minds on this. Family members have done nothing more than be born into the right family, so they are no more deserving of someone's money than a random stranger (and in many cases, less so). However, I would give my direct children and my blood parents the shirt off my back.
But, giving to help sick kids vs propping up a lazy family member, easy choice.
Last edited by NYCresident2014; 09-29-2018 at 06:22 PM..
Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
I'm posting this more as a reminder to myself, with aging relatives that I will need to focus on taking care of, so this aimed at myself.
There is a difference between needing care and help and enabling. I've helped my family who lost jobs, health and had a crisis. I have turned one down because of life choices that has caused their problem and by giving them funds would only encourage them to continue the way they are. I've already given them a van for a small amount.
There are ways you can help and care for your family besides giving money.
That said, you are correct and as a Christian we are to take care of our family especially parents.
Are the grandparents close to their adult children? Why are the parents not able to provide necessities to their children? Do the grandparents live close to their grandchildren?
You don’t really provide an adequate example. For all we know the grandparents are sick of enabling the bad choices of the parents and/or sick of being exploited. You say the parent/s have asked the grandparents in the past so it seems there is an ongoing issue of the parents not providing for their children. Are grandparents supposed to bankroll parents raising their own children? What necessities are these grandchildren missing?
"Close" might be the wrong word, but they do see and talk to one another fairly regularly and seem to get along well. She doesn't seem to be offended or upset that they don't help...just not surprised. In fact, other family members encouraged her to ask for help from them because she was the one who said, "I'm not going to ask them, they're not going to help, and I'm only going to have to hear their mouth." (she was right)
They were disappointed that she married shortly after high school and had kids fairly young, but they didn't believe in helping their kids pay for their college educations, either, so it wasn't a situation where she passed up some big opportunity or anything...
She ended up going back to school for phlebotomy while she was married, but she only worked part-time at the time. Her and her husband recently got a divorce, and she's struggled since then. From what I can gather, he left her with a lot of past-due bills, like rent. Her landlord is working with her on the rent, but it's taking most of her paychecks to try to get that money caught up.
Her parents think she has made a lot of bad decisions along the way (not going to college, marrying too young, marrying the wrong person, having kids too young), and they aren't wrong. BUT, she's trying so hard. Again, I don't think she has any drug problems or anything like that. She also doesn't seem to live a very extravagant lifestyle...she does have an SUV, but it's probably 10-15 years old? She works full-time but doesn't make very much.
Their electricity got turned off...and a few of us family members pooled the money to help her get it turned back on. She's been struggling a bit with food, clothes and school supplies for the kids, etc., because she's been trying to get caught up on the past due rent...a few of us helped, and she seemed so appreciative, and I even helped her go over her expenses/bills/pay to help her get back on track...and I think she will...
But my main thing is this...What type of people do my more well-to-do family members think these charities that they donate to are helping?
They're helping people like the family member that I described...but also drug addicts, people who don't work, etc.
This woman is trying so hard...she hit a rough patch, which happens. Again, it's not their responsibility to help her. But I can't imagine bragging about donating to all of these organizations while my own family members were doing without basic necessities like power and food.
I'm having a hard time understanding the mentality. I really am.
But my main thing is this...What type of people do my more well-to-do family members think these charities that they donate to are helping?
They're helping people like the family member that I described...but also drug addicts, people who don't work, etc.
I think many are under some misconceptions about what type of help is out there for those who will not help themselves. I work for a non-profit. People like your relative would be eligible for assistance with many of the things you've already helped with. We have a back-to-school event where every child receives a new backpack full of supplies. We provide family members with a new coat each year, and have a holiday shop where parents can pick out gifts for their children. All of this is possible because of donors.
If a family falls on hard times due to illness, a job loss, or an unexpected expense, they can request an interview for financial help. But they must have the paper trail to show their crisis is new, and the help they need must be short-term. If they can't pay the rent one month we can help make sure they remain in their home, but do not provide the entire amount due. Before they get a check from us they are asked to get pledges from other charities for part of the balance. No charity could stay in business for long if they wrote out rent checks(or utility checks, etc) month after month for families.
The only services we offer for those drug addicts and habitually unemployed adults are food and clothing, all of which is donated. The clothing is not new, but clean and serviceable. And it must be what we consider to be appropriate for work or school.
Except for homeless shelters, none of which exist anywhere within 30+ miles from here, the addicts and chronically unemployed are on their own unless they qualify for federal benefits.
If the family member always has a hand out, that is a problem.
However, I have a cousin who gives to charity but gave her 75 year old uncle an empty card for his bday. Like, even a $25 gift card to a restaurant would've been fine. And when I got badly cut on a cruise and needed something to stop the bleeding, she refused to give me her cruise ship towel because of the $25 non-return charge (even after I told her she could take mine which was further away). Then her mom offered me my cousins dirty sock (instead of a clean pair that she had) to put on my open wound. I guess the apple doesn't fall from the tree. I still love my cousin and aunt, but that was 8 years ago and I don't think i will ever forget how they treated me and how bad it made me feel.
I find they like helping others, not their own. It's more the showy part of giving rather than actually caring about those in need, or trying to help them out of the need.
Weird story. The cruise ship charges guests for dirty towels?
And you are hanging onto this 8 years later?
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