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Hi all,
I have this problem where I can't have 'deep' or serious conversations without feeling the need to make it personal or emotional. For example, if the person I am talking to says something that I don't like, I usually will respond with something personal or a 'personal attack', therefore ending the serious/'intellectual' conversation that we were having and making it personal, when it didn't need to be personal.
This has been a major downfall for me and I am looking for any and all advice on how to fix it, so I don't resort to making things personal when it wasn't needed or necessary
The only way an individual can continuously be taken out of character is through a bruised ego. You've made your feelings the single most important thing in life and if someone hurts those feelings, they have to pay. That comes from a heightened sense of self. If you truly want to change, you have to decide your feelings are NOT important. That's it. And you can choose to be level headed and ask proactive questions after a perceived insult such as "Why did you say that?" or "What did you mean when you said that?" rather than flying off the handle. It gives you power and control in these situations when you actually are able to circumvent the negative commentary back to the agitator and watch them stumble and fidget trying to figure out why they said what they said and why you're not giving them a reaction.
The only way an individual can continuously be taken out of character is through a bruised ego. You've made your feelings the single most important thing in life and if someone hurts those feelings, they have to pay. That comes from a heightened sense of self. If you truly want to change, you have to decide your feelings are NOT important. That's it. And you can choose to be level headed and ask proactive questions after a perceived insult such as "Why did you say that?" or "What did you mean when you said that?" rather than flying off the handle. It gives you power and control in these situations when you actually are able to circumvent the negative commentary back to the agitator and watch them stumble and fidget trying to figure out why they said what they said and why you're not giving them a reaction.
I love this. Yeah, I definitely need to realize that my feelings aren't the most important things in my life. They need to take a back seat to logic/rational-thoughts, since those will also help me in other aspects of my life (career, personal growth, etc).
Hi all,
I have this problem where I can't have 'deep' or serious conversations without feeling the need to make it personal or emotional. For example, if the person I am talking to says something that I don't like, I usually will respond with something personal or a 'personal attack', therefore ending the serious/'intellectual' conversation that we were having and making it personal, when it didn't need to be personal.
This has been a major downfall for me and I am looking for any and all advice on how to fix it, so I don't resort to making things personal when it wasn't needed or necessary
You're not having "intellectual conversations" if you get upset because someone has a different point of view than you do.
Hi all,
I have this problem where I can't have 'deep' or serious conversations without feeling the need to make it personal or emotional. For example, if the person I am talking to says something that I don't like, I usually will respond with something personal or a 'personal attack', therefore ending the serious/'intellectual' conversation that we were having and making it personal, when it didn't need to be personal.
This has been a major downfall for me and I am looking for any and all advice on how to fix it, so I don't resort to making things personal when it wasn't needed or necessary
While I may engage in a debate or serious conversions with a few very close friends or some family (my kids or wife) I avoid them with most people. I find them tiresome and boring. I already know both sides of the argument most of the time so I find them a waste. Of course, your mileage will vary.
So, why do you feel the need to have these debates? You don't need to answer, just something to reflect on.
I didn't know what word to use. I guess more so 'healthy debates' is what I am looking for
But you're shutting them down and/or resorting to personal attacks because of a different POV you don't like... That's not a debate at all.
I think when one resorts to personal attack, especially towards a person they know well, it shows a level of contempt and disrespect. I'm sure you're going to say that's not what you're intending... But that's why these things have repercussions. How is the other person supposed to take it? What are your thought process when you level out the personal attacks?
But you're shutting them down and/or resorting to personal attacks because of a different POV you don't like... That's not a debate at all.
I think when one resorts to personal attack, especially towards a person they know well, it shows a level of contempt and disrespect. I'm sure you're going to say that's not what you're intending... But that's why these things have repercussions. How is the other person supposed to take it? What are your thought process when you level out the personal attacks?
Of course, if I were in the other persons' shoes and we were just having a discussion and all of a sudden they say something way over the top/personal, I'd be like 'uhh wtf?' and then either say something back or end the conversation.
I think I do it as a defense mechanism if I don't hear what I like.
I just want to change it. I want to be able to have discussions with my partner, friends, family members, or co-workers and it be civil and normal, without me feeling the need to defend myself (and, on top of that, feel the need to link my personal self with whatever I am 'defending) or make it personal. That's been a big issue in my current relationship
Hi all,
I have this problem where I can't have 'deep' or serious conversations without feeling the need to make it personal or emotional. For example, if the person I am talking to says something that I don't like, I usually will respond with something personal or a 'personal attack', therefore ending the serious/'intellectual' conversation that we were having and making it personal, when it didn't need to be personal.
This has been a major downfall for me and I am looking for any and all advice on how to fix it, so I don't resort to making things personal when it wasn't needed or necessary
What has worked for me is using the third-person perspective in this type of situations.
To the OP: Whenever you get this figured out, please, go forth and spread the word on why this is important to others. Right here on the forum, on street corners, in the political realm, wherever you can.
So few people lack the self reflection and humility to even ask this question, and our society would be so much more civil and so much better if people stopped to do some self critiquing in this area.
It's awesome you're giving this some thought!
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