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Build upon your strengths :
Clearly you listen
Are passionate on some issues.
Not afraid to speak your mind.
From that ...listen more.
Choose the level of passion to tone down or reserve.
Use your confidence to silence the audio (mouth) while the brain intakes (processes ) the p.o.v.
Fwiw ppl have ingrained bias. Doesn't mean you have to influence their stance. Let them learn from their own words. The echo effect works!
Actually, if you choose to do this a few times with people who are short tempered and physically aggressive the result may be something that pops into your mind when you next are ready to let your mouth get ahead of your brain.
"Many a time a man's mouth broke his nose" - Irish Proverb
Do you tend to be pretty liberal? There is something about liberal minds where there is a need to control and to be right. I don't know exactly what is but its real. My wife is the same way, she cannot get into a discussion where we disagree about something without getting defensive. She will end up getting defensive and saying 'I'm disappointed in you' 'You're wrong' or what frequently happens is we end up arguing about 2 different things because she has created a strawman at the point where she disagreed with me. I am not perfect either but I am much better at being ok with disagreeing.
I think the key is to be able to get to a point where you can agree to disagree and not have to be right. Most 'debates' are not about facts, but about concepts theories and other things that a loaded with subjective elements. In other words there is no right or wrong.
I had a lovely man for an accountant for many years. He was very polite and measured in everything he said.
If someone made a statement he didn’t agree with, he just said, “Hmmm, Ill have to think about that.” It respects the other person’s statement, without agreeing or disagreeing.
This is a common issue but at least you are trying to change.
Remember -- you are not your opinions. Opinions are separate from your identity.
Everyone thinks that when someone criticizes their point of view, then they themselves
are being attacked. Not true, as any philosopher knows. Your ideas stand or fall on their own
merits, regardless of who believes it.
I think a lot of it is lack of maturity. Based on your other posts I know you are in your 20s. That is an age where -- for many in your age group -- you are the center of your universe and lack the life experience to understand when to keep your mouth shut.
I can't think of an exact scenario at this moment (of course, go figure). But I'll basically give you an example of what I do. Someone (for example, my boyfriend) and I will be talking about something about politics that happened recently and something will come up that he says that I don't agree with. Instead of me saying, 'agree to disagree' or 'I don't agree with that and here are my reasons why', I'll either just tell him to 'stop', say, 'I don't want to have this conversation' or I will say something about him and his personality, instead of 'attacking' what he said.
I'm impressed you recognize this trait in your own behavior! Most people do not, all the way through their lives sometimes. When teens do the above, I roll my eyes and say "eh, they're young." 20s, it's a little dumb. 30s and beyond, I wonder if the lights are on but no one's home. You really should see how unattractive it is as a trait exhibited by someone in their 40s. I'm thinking, "idiot" at that point. Half the political arguments in this country thus seem to be between idiots. I'll drop it there, to not discuss the idiots I like vs. THOSE other idiots, but good example.
When it happens to me, someone spouts off nonsense, I try and keep a straight face and hush up..in person at least. (Here on the forum, lay it out more clearly!). If you have a turn to speak , recommend not saying "I disagree." That phrase is a bit triggering and confrontational. Instead consider saying...
"...mmKay. What if we considered this (other) view as well? What if Blue really is Blue, and Red is red?" ...You've provided your opinion, and with luck the other person will say something like, "okay, I value that you think Blue is Blue, and Red Red. I do continue to submit that Blue is Red, though, for the reasons provided."
That would then be a chance to conclude it with, "Okay, I submit Red is Red because of X, Y, and Z." Then let it slide, in a case where there really isn't much middle ground. You can try other gentle persuasion, case-by-case, depending how much it bothers you. As someone said up-thread, the truth and facts tend to lean in on their own merit and become self-evident, in good time.
I've heard some real dumb comebacks, as when I informed a now-former friend that if his POS mutt ever jumped on me with it's **** - stained paws again, or knocked over any kids in my presence due to being unruly and untrained, I was going to kick it's ass from here to Salt Lake City. The response, "Heff Hugh, BB, with your homicidal cat!" Uhm, my cats that weigh maybe 9lbs each and mostly stay in the rec room are comparable to a barking, leaping filthy 50lb dog that has exactly zero training (bad owners, no bad dogs)? But, people are people. Know what I mean? Keep emotion out of it, as I (probably should have, too, RE dogs ).
Hi all,
I have this problem where I can't have 'deep' or serious conversations without feeling the need to make it personal or emotional. For example, if the person I am talking to says something that I don't like, I usually will respond with something personal or a 'personal attack', therefore ending the serious/'intellectual' conversation that we were having and making it personal, when it didn't need to be personal.
This has been a major downfall for me and I am looking for any and all advice on how to fix it, so I don't resort to making things personal when it wasn't needed or necessary
By not doing it. I mean how hard can this be?
Here's a tactic. Count to five before you say anything.
Part of it may be because you are not truly listening to what the other person is saying and why they are saying it. If you are only partly listening you are not paying attention to the speaker. If you are not paying attention you are missing the signs and cues telling you what may be best to do; refrain from speaking, refrain from rejecting everything out of hand, refrain from arguing. Careful listening gives you time to think before blurting.
Hi all,
I have this problem where I can't have 'deep' or serious conversations without feeling the need to make it personal or emotional. For example, if the person I am talking to says something that I don't like, I usually will respond with something personal or a 'personal attack', therefore ending the serious/'intellectual' conversation that we were having and making it personal, when it didn't need to be personal.
This has been a major downfall for me and I am looking for any and all advice on how to fix it, so I don't resort to making things personal when it wasn't needed or necessary
There's nothing mutually exclusive about "serious" and "personal," but I have met quite a few people who seem unable to discuss things in the abstract.
And just because you disagree, it not only DOESN'T mean you have to attack, but you will likely lose the argument that way (and irritate the other person). It's usually possible to say courteously, "I really don't think I agree, because, based on my experience..." or "According to everything I've read, I think that it's generally thought that..."
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