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Part of it may be because you are not truly listening to what the other person is saying and why they are saying it.
I think this is the real core of the issue.
Based on posting history, the OP doesn't pay attention to actual behaviors and statements from others (namely her boyfriend) if they don't serve her desired goals.
So I can easily see how, if he starts to go down a road she doesn't like, she will go to any length to just avoid that unpleasant conversation rather than work through it.
What if he's right? Can you admit you're ever wrong? That's a big skill. I taught my kids early to say they were sorry when they were wrong.
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This is the first and biggest step, to be able to admit when you're wrong. In my experience people who resort to this tactic often can't defend their position.
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Originally Posted by lm0905
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I think I do it as a defense mechanism if I don't hear what I like.
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That kind of ties with being able to admit when you are wrong. If you are right and can defend your positions with facts and data, it's easy to not get emotional. But when you can't defend your position, it's easier to just shut down the conversation.
Do you tend to be pretty liberal? There is something about liberal minds where there is a need to control and to be right. I don't know exactly what is but its real. My wife is the same way, she cannot get into a discussion where we disagree about something without getting defensive. She will end up getting defensive and saying 'I'm disappointed in you' 'You're wrong' or what frequently happens is we end up arguing about 2 different things because she has created a strawman at the point where she disagreed with me. I am not perfect either but I am much better at being ok with disagreeing.
I think the key is to be able to get to a point where you can agree to disagree and not have to be right. Most 'debates' are not about facts, but about concepts theories and other things that a loaded with subjective elements. In other words there is no right or wrong.
Very interesting and somewhat telling that you believe this trait appears only at one end of the political spectrum. Also interesting that a trait you claim to see in your wife gets ascribed to an entire sector of the population. Could there be a reason within you for leaning so heavily on a stereotype rather than seeing it for what it is, the perceived actions of one person?
What if he's right? Can you admit you're ever wrong? That's a big skill. I taught my kids early to say they were sorry when they were wrong.
I can have rousing political conversations with my brother, we look forward to it. We like listening to why we think what we do, lots of times I'm able to convince him to rethink his position and vice versa. We need details and facts and results, we don't discuss headlines. We never fight about it. We wouldn't do it if one of us got angry and attacked the other person.
He’s using politics is an example, but apparently it transcends topics. Make and get a debate about politics is not going to be helpful to OP. She said whenever someone says anything that she disagrees with in the course of serious discussion. It doesn’t have to be political.
Very interesting and somewhat telling that you believe this trait appears only at one end of the political spectrum. Also interesting that a trait you claim to see in your wife gets ascribed to an entire sector of the population. Could there be a reason within you for leaning so heavily on a stereotype rather than seeing it for what it is, the perceived actions of one person?
Nowhere in that comment did I say it only applies to one end. But I do think it is certainly more prevalent at that end.
As with all generalities, there are always exceptions. So to say it is ascribed to an entire section of the population is your words not mine.
I used my wife as an example. I see it in many many others, including many here on city data forums.
Nowhere in that comment did I say it only applies to one end. But I do think it is certainly more prevalent at that end.
As with all generalities, there are always exceptions. So to say it is ascribed to an entire section of the population is your words not mine.
I used my wife as an example. I see it in many many others, including many here on city data forums.
Here are your precise words: "Do you tend to be pretty liberal? There is something about liberal minds where there is a need to control and to be right." I note you don't couch this as the unfounded opinion it is but as some kind of truism and you did not limit it to "some liberal minds."
Let's rephrase, just slightly, "Do you tend to be pretty conservative? There is something about conservative minds where there is a need to control and to be right."
Sounds pretty cut and dried either way. Injecting politics into nonpolitical topics is pointless and often counterproductive to reaching understanding. You did nothing in your original post to indicate your recognition that such behavior is common anywhere but at the liberal end of the spectrum. Even as you backtrack you feel the need to express your opinion that "liberal minds" operate somewhat differently than any others. Your wife is the example for a broader population according to your last paragraph here.
You've been struggling with this for a while, yes? Your very first post 3 years ago was this same subject. The good news is that you know you have an issue you need to work on. Many people go through life alienating loved ones without the faintest clue of why it's happening. So the self-awareness is a great starting place.
The other good news I have for you is that if you take this seriously and really, really work on recognizing and stopping the behavior, you CAN get better. You're not doomed to be this way forever. And it does get easier as you get older and get better at knowing yourself and your "triggers".
But it's going to take focus on your part. And if you sweep it under the rug, it will eventually affect your relationship negatively.
If the behavior does happen, and it will, because nobody's perfect - apologize sincerely. You don't have to grovel, just admit that what you said 10 minutes ago was uncalled for, and that you're working on communicating in better ways. And if you think there was an underlying reason why you snapped, be honest about that (without just excusing yourself) - help him understand what's happening. Say, if you have a terrible headache. Or you just got off the phone with that one family member who really pushes all your buttons.
If you know you're in the mind frame where it's likelier to happen, remove yourself from the conversation. Put yourself in boyfriend's shoes. How does it feel to be told - whatever - about your personality? Feel it. Empathize with him. It will make it easier to stop the words from coming out.
Don't beat yourself up that you have negative thoughts on the tip of your tongue. Judge yourself by what you do and say, not by the things that you stopped yourself from saying.
Where am I coming from with this? I was a lot like you when I was younger. We never reach perfection, but it is entirely possible to be mostly better at it.
wow Hallouise, you have a good memory! or you go back and look up the poster's first post 3 years ago? why?
It sounds to me more like a psychology topic, with the word "defensive" coming up. There's probably a sense, going back to early in life, of being attacked by others. There's no quick fix for that worldview, but there is a shortcut in conversations, a la, "I don't think he/she meant to hurt me."
I can't think of an exact scenario at this moment (of course, go figure). But I'll basically give you an example of what I do. Someone (for example, my boyfriend) and I will be talking about something about politics that happened recently and something will come up that he says that I don't agree with. Instead of me saying, 'agree to disagree' or 'I don't agree with that and here are my reasons why', I'll either just tell him to 'stop', say, 'I don't want to have this conversation' or I will say something about him and his personality, instead of 'attacking' what he said.
I do this exact same thing. Not so much with other people, but it makes me really angry when it's my fiance. It just triggers me because I have a certain opinion of people who don't see it the way I do, and he watches the same news shows I do, and I think he understands the issues...but then he'll say something, make a remark, that contradicts what I believe and what I thought he believed, or he gets influenced by others, and I get angry because I feel like he's too easily manipulated, and THAT makes me angry (because it's in other areas aside from politics too).
So I normally end up covering my ears and yelling, pleading with him to please stop talking about it. Sometimes I feel bad, because occasionally he will say "I really don't understand the issue, can you explain it to me?" and I know it's true.
I think some of it is frustration that I can't explain as well as I want to.
Politics is not the same as it used to be. It's hard to have casual debate about it. I normally try not to talk about it at all with people who see it differently as there's rarely a point. But with him, it just really triggers me.
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