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Hi all,
I have this problem where I can't have 'deep' or serious conversations without feeling the need to make it personal or emotional. For example, if the person I am talking to says something that I don't like, I usually will respond with something personal or a 'personal attack', therefore ending the serious/'intellectual' conversation that we were having and making it personal, when it didn't need to be personal.
This has been a major downfall for me and I am looking for any and all advice on how to fix it, so I don't resort to making things personal when it wasn't needed or necessary
You have to respect that everyone is different and be humble enough to know that you can learn from other people. You don't have to agree on everything, but their viewpoints are their viewpoints, based on their own experience, education and life choices.
Give us an example on what someone said and how you replied.
Give us an example on what someone said and how you replied.
I can't think of an exact scenario at this moment (of course, go figure). But I'll basically give you an example of what I do. Someone (for example, my boyfriend) and I will be talking about something about politics that happened recently and something will come up that he says that I don't agree with. Instead of me saying, 'agree to disagree' or 'I don't agree with that and here are my reasons why', I'll either just tell him to 'stop', say, 'I don't want to have this conversation' or I will say something about him and his personality, instead of 'attacking' what he said.
Without preparation, it is difficult if not impossible to change a habit in the heat of the moment. So it might be helpful for you to adopt a new habit that is more in line with being able to discuss polarizing issues without making it personal.
I suggest you do two things. The first is to find a phrase that will serve as an instant reminder for you to stay objective. Such as "Hmmm, let me think about that." or "I see what you're saying, but I don't really agree," and then take a breath in and out. That will give you the cue you need to take a moment before making it personal.
The second suggestion is to do some role playing with a friend, on some topics that are hot button issues for you. Have your friend take the opposing side to what you think, and use the phrase you've chosen, plus the in and out breath. Repeat this until it becomes second nature to say the phrase and take the breath. I would suggest even doing it when you are watching, say, a news show on TV where someone says something that triggers your outrage: pause the show, and say your phrase and take a breath.
I guess on a meta level I don’t understand why it even matters if you agree or disagree. Why is registering your objection so darned important? Can’t you listen to someone speak without saying, in essence, “You’re wrong”?
I would also say that if you’re having political discussions, they’re not likely to be intellectual conversations.
Resolve not to attack the “messenger.” I think that is the first step here. Saying nothing is better than going on the attack with personal remarks. One of the hardest lessons I have had to learn is that I do not have to fill silences. I do not have to respond if I don’t want to.
When someone says something outrageous, learn to let the remark just sit there, unanswered. You do not have to take responsibility for refuting it. Often simply remaining silent is all you need to do. Practice this in your mind. Then put it into practice.
Once you have learned to practice silence, you will discover ways to refute, or take issue with an argument or remark. You can choose to do, or not do, then.
Now, think about why your instinct is to attack people who disagree, or to stop the conversation. You learned this behavior, probably from parents. Think about when they shut your remarks down without explanation; how did that make you feel? You are likely using the same strategies you learned from them. I have had to learn to change learned behaviors. You can do same. Sometimes resolving to NOT be like family members is enough to motivate change.
I can't think of an exact scenario at this moment (of course, go figure). But I'll basically give you an example of what I do. Someone (for example, my boyfriend) and I will be talking about something about politics that happened recently and something will come up that he says that I don't agree with. Instead of me saying, 'agree to disagree' or 'I don't agree with that and here are my reasons why', I'll either just tell him to 'stop', say, 'I don't want to have this conversation' or I will say something about him and his personality, instead of 'attacking' what he said.
What if he's right? Can you admit you're ever wrong? That's a big skill. I taught my kids early to say they were sorry when they were wrong.
I can have rousing political conversations with my brother, we look forward to it. We like listening to why we think what we do, lots of times I'm able to convince him to rethink his position and vice versa. We need details and facts and results, we don't discuss headlines. We never fight about it. We wouldn't do it if one of us got angry and attacked the other person.
You've been struggling with this for a while, yes? Your very first post 3 years ago was this same subject. The good news is that you know you have an issue you need to work on. Many people go through life alienating loved ones without the faintest clue of why it's happening. So the self-awareness is a great starting place.
The other good news I have for you is that if you take this seriously and really, really work on recognizing and stopping the behavior, you CAN get better. You're not doomed to be this way forever. And it does get easier as you get older and get better at knowing yourself and your "triggers".
But it's going to take focus on your part. And if you sweep it under the rug, it will eventually affect your relationship negatively.
If the behavior does happen, and it will, because nobody's perfect - apologize sincerely. You don't have to grovel, just admit that what you said 10 minutes ago was uncalled for, and that you're working on communicating in better ways. And if you think there was an underlying reason why you snapped, be honest about that (without just excusing yourself) - help him understand what's happening. Say, if you have a terrible headache. Or you just got off the phone with that one family member who really pushes all your buttons.
If you know you're in the mind frame where it's likelier to happen, remove yourself from the conversation. Put yourself in boyfriend's shoes. How does it feel to be told - whatever - about your personality? Feel it. Empathize with him. It will make it easier to stop the words from coming out.
Don't beat yourself up that you have negative thoughts on the tip of your tongue. Judge yourself by what you do and say, not by the things that you stopped yourself from saying.
Where am I coming from with this? I was a lot like you when I was younger. We never reach perfection, but it is entirely possible to be mostly better at it.
Thank you everyone for your advice! This is definitely going to take a lot of effort (which I am happy about! I don't want it to be easy!), but this and reading some articles online will definitely help me get rid of this 'bad trait'
This has been a major downfall for me and I am looking for any and all advice on how to fix it, so I don't resort to making things personal when it wasn't needed or necessary
Take inspiration from James Carville and Mary Matalin, two well-known polar opposite political consultants, who would vociferously debate politics on various TV shows. They ended up falling in love, got married in 1993, and raised 2 daughters. And they're still married and still opposite politically.
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