Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I've been friends with this person for some 10 years. It would be easier if this was a new friendship, I could say my piece.
But now I feel like, if I say my piece, she will feel offended that I didn't express this before.
My "piece" is that I process conversation differently than some others do.
(I only realized this recently).
When a person comes at me with a barrage of words, I mentally turn away. I shut them off.
It's like a baby, some babies when they get overstimulated they will have an outburst, or try to get out of the situation.
For me, I used to think-- don't be rude, just concentrate and listen to the other person.
Then I realized that it depends on the other's mode of conversation. If a person speaks not too loudly, and in short segments, and gives me time to catch up, I'm ok.
but if someone talks in a long stream, the image comes to mind like a machine gun-- rat a tat tat. - not taking a breath, no matter how hard I try, I cannot stay focused. I will interrupt them not bec. I want to say something,but just to make them stop.
This particular friend, she starts talking when she lays eye on the other person, and doesn't stop for a long time. It's irksome. It's not that she doesn't have interesting things to say. She does. It's not that she is narcissistic, she will ask me a question about myself, and she asks questions that show she does listen in those few seconds when I talk. But i'll start to answer, and then boom, we're off to the races again.
I feel like I can hardly breathe when I think about it.
So - anybody have any similar experience when it comes to auditory processing?
I process more slower than some people, and I need to find a way to let others know. I hate that with some people that I really like conversation becomes a battle ground, where I'm trying to be heard, and feeling like I'm being run-over.
I normally interrupt or I won't remember what's said. If it's something that doesn't concern me, let them talk. I'll remember bits and pieces.
Here is my advice: When you turn away mentally, express it in words. "Sorry, I can't concentrate on what you are saying because you are going too fast."
Quote:
Originally Posted by Parnassia
You could try softening the "blow" by phrasing it something like:
"Could you repeat that last part? I didn't catch all of it. When you get excited about something you tend to talk a little faster than I can follow sometimes. I really want to hear what you say. Thanks!"
Personally, I don't think the "blow" needs softening. elyn02's comment is straightforward and feels sincere. Your comment IMO feels awkward, insulting (too personal), a bit condescending, and phony nice at the end.
Given how long this has gone on, I think you should expect that your efforts to change the dynamic may not be very effective.
I will share an experience I had with someone like your friend. In my case, I only knew the woman for about six months. As the time went on, I noticed that she would not stop talking, and if I wanted to get a comment in, I would have to start raising my voice slightly and just talk over her to get her to stop. At one point, when she interrupted me, I said "Could you please let me finish what I was saying?" and this caught her off guard and she was a bit irritated.
A few more weeks of the steam-rolling "conversations," and I decided it wasn't worth it to me anymore. This woman had a lot of great qualities, but her conversation style was so unbalanced, it just wasn't going to work for me. I drifted away.
There has been research done that shows that it is very pleasurable for people to talk about themselves to other people. This article provides an overview. I haven't been able to find the original study.
Quote:
"Commenting on the findings, psychology PHD Adrian Ward said: 'You may like to talk about yourself simply because it feels good—because self-disclosure produces a burst of activity in neural regions associated with pleasure, motivation, and reward.
'But, in this case, feeling good may be no more than a means to an end—it may be the immediate reward that jump-starts a cycle of self-sharing, ultimately leading to wide varieties of long-term benefits.' "
You could try softening the "blow" by phrasing it something like:
"Could you repeat that last part? I didn't catch all of it. When you get excited about something you tend to talk a little faster than I can follow sometimes. I really want to hear what you say. Thanks!"
And I think it is good to let them know, as some posters have suggested, how that comes across to others.
It's a matter of saying the right thing and in the right way.
Some people may change if made aware of their communication style; I'm sure some won't,,,,
Quote:
Originally Posted by K12144
I think it can be narcissistic. I know somebody similar to that. On the rare occasions they ask me about me, it's just as you say-- I barely get anything in before they're off again, either on their opinion about what I said or something it reminded them of (or, at times, it's seemed they asked only to be polite and now that that "duty" is fulfilled, they feel free to resume talking). I'm not sure what else to call it but narcissistic. It may not be deliberately so-- I'm sure they have no idea they're doing it or how it comes across, and certainly aren't thinking "well, let's turn this back to me"-- but some people listen to others just to give themselves an "in" for the next thing they want to say, or focus so much on what they're planning to say next that they don't actually listen to what the other person is saying. I've learned that a person can be personable and likeable in many ways, and not actually come across as egotistical, but their communication style suggests that somewhere way in the back of their mind where they may not even be conscious of it, they come first.
It’s called “sucking up all the oxygen in the room.” And people will keep doing it as long as you let them.
If I were you, I would just tell her what you told us in your first post, preferably before she gets all wound up and is off to the races. A friend who cared about you would understand.
Thanks. Interesting. I will look at the link you give.
Often times I want to say "Please let me finish." That I think is a benign thing to say, and I've said it to other overly-talky people...
But to this person I am a little intimidated, not quite the right word. She is elderly (I am too, but she is 15 years older than me). I know she has lost some friends, to death, or moving away. I feel kind of protective.
I think you're right to let it drift away-- it's true one-sided conversations are not satisfying.
And I try to avoid them, but I know I am not going to let this woman go. In other cases, I have decided that the friendship or the relationship is not worth me getting stressed due to the conversation. If there is not a lot there to make it worthwhile, I think it is appropriate to let it go.
The fact that I've been friends with this person so long also makes me reluctant.
I should have said something (nicely) a long time ago.
Quote:
Originally Posted by KittenSparkles
Given how long this has gone on, I think you should expect that your efforts to change the dynamic may not be very effective.
I will share an experience I had with someone like your friend. In my case, I only knew the woman for about six months. As the time went on, I noticed that she would not stop talking, and if I wanted to get a comment in, I would have to start raising my voice slightly and just talk over her to get her to stop. At one point, when she interrupted me, I said "Could you please let me finish what I was saying?" and this caught her off guard and she was a bit irritated.
A few more weeks of the steam-rolling "conversations," and I decided it wasn't worth it to me anymore. This woman had a lot of great qualities, but her conversation style was so unbalanced, it just wasn't going to work for me. I drifted away.
There has been research done that shows that it is very pleasurable for people to talk about themselves to other people. This article provides an overview. I haven't been able to find the original study.
I'd say it's YOUR problem to deal with, not theirs.
People need to stop making THEIR problems someone else'
If the person you’re talking to isn’t actually able to listen to what you’re saying, then it is your problem too. You would think that the friend has noticed that their conversations are one-sided and wondered why Ellen doesn’t always seem to be listening, but apparently not.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
