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And I think it is good to let them know, as some posters have suggested, how that comes across to others.
It's a matter of saying the right thing and in the right way.
Some people may change if made aware of their communication style; I'm sure some won't,,,,
With the friend I mention, I figure I have the choice of continuing to talk if they interrupt me (rather than being the one to back down), or, as I've done in the past, as soon as they break I'll interrupt them to go back to the old topic (if I wasn't done talking about it before being interrupted). I don't think either of those probably send a message; I'm not sure if they even see it as offensive. Or, I could say "I wasn't done" or "please don't interrupt me," which I've not done, but it would definitely send the message.
A conversation not long ago, on the phone, had them asking "Do I dominate the conversation?" I admitted that yeah, they sometimes do. "You don't mind, do you?" they asked. I told them that sometimes I didn't, if I was interested in what they were saying or hadn't much to report on my end but still wanted to talk with them. I'm not sure what brought that on, but perhaps someone else pointed it out to them as well (I was never certain if they did it with other people as well, or only with me, but perhaps it's not just me). "You don't mind," though? LOL! I think, knowing them, that it may have been more of a way of asking "does it make you mad at me" than really an assumption that I'm cool with not getting a word in, ever, but...
This is different, by the way, from people who are simply clueless. I have another friend with ADHD who will talk over me, or have a parallel conversation on a completely different topic, simply because their brain is somewhat tuned out (as if they don't even realize I'm speaking). They even admitted to me once, "If you're talking to me, you need to say my name so I know you're talking to me"-- as in, I can't just assume that if we're not talking and then I start talking, they'll realize I'm talking to them and tune into, even if we're the only people in the room. It's like something in their brain cancels out background noise, but treats too many things-- including conversations with other people-- as background noise.
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Originally Posted by ellenrr
Thanks. Interesting. I will look at the link you give.
Often times I want to say "Please let me finish." That I think is a benign thing to say, and I've said it to other overly-talky people...
But to this person I am a little intimidated, not quite the right word. She is elderly (I am too, but she is 15 years older than me). I know she has lost some friends, to death, or moving away. I feel kind of protective.
I think you're right to let it drift away-- it's true one-sided conversations are not satisfying.
And I try to avoid them, but I know I am not going to let this woman go. In other cases, I have decided that the friendship or the relationship is not worth me getting stressed due to the conversation. If there is not a lot there to make it worthwhile, I think it is appropriate to let it go.
The fact that I've been friends with this person so long also makes me reluctant.
I should have said something (nicely) a long time ago.
That can be the difficult thing about these situations. For some reason you've let {whatever} go on, and then when you finally want to stop it, you know the other person will wonder why you waited so long. And, in human nature, they might even ask "well if it was such a big deal, wouldn't you have said something before?" (implying, "so it must not be so bad now, either" and you should continue to suck it up.)
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Originally Posted by Lbjen
If the person you’re talking to isn’t actually able to listen to what you’re saying, then it is your problem too. You would think that the friend has noticed that their conversations are one-sided and wondered why Ellen doesn’t always seem to be listening, but apparently not.
Nah. I think that's part of the clueless narcissism. They don't notice because they're busy talking. Or, perhaps if they do notice, just think Ellen is absorbed in what they're saying. They may even (again cluelessly) think, "If she wants to talk, she'll break in!" (It's possible that people who have no qualms about interrupting others think that's the way conversation works, and assume others will, in turn, interrupt them when they have something to contribute.)
i'm afraid a) i'll hurt her feelings, and b) she won't want to be friends anymore, and c)she'll think I am an awful person.
Telling her you have trouble processing fast-moving communication sometimes will hurt HER feelings and make you an"awful person"? Come on now. You don't seem to trust your friend at all. Are you sure this is a sincere friendship?
What will make you an "awful person" is cutting off the friendship without ever letting her understand why.
Just nod a lot and tune her out, like you would do at work or some similar setting. It's easy. Some people just want to hear themselves talk. They are harmless.
If the person you’re talking to isn’t actually able to listen to what you’re saying, then it is your problem too. You would think that the friend has noticed that their conversations are one-sided and wondered why Ellen doesn’t always seem to be listening, but apparently not.
Sure, if 99% of all people were a certain way. But in reality there's a wide variety of people.
Myself, for example, I don't talk much. Conversations with me tend to be one sided unless you have something intelligent to discuss. Most people are dumb and have nothing to offer so I don't contribute.
If you're a person that likes to talk how can you differentiate between someone who doesn't want to talk and someone who is unable to effectively listen?
You can't.
The problem is still on the one with the problem. My problem is I don't like people. That's MY problem. So I avoid people for the most part. Pretty simple concept. Deal with YOUR problems and stop making them someone else'.
I'd say it's YOUR problem to deal with, not theirs.
People need to stop making THEIR problems someone else'
Possibly. But it's also possible that she wears others out with her talking, not just the OP. I think you will do her a favor by calling it to her attention, and I would bet she has been dropped by a few other friends for this. Not taking the time to listen as well as talk is a red flag to me.
And I think it is good to let them know, as some posters have suggested, how that comes across to others.
It's a matter of saying the right thing and in the right way.
Some people may change if made aware of their communication style; I'm sure some won't,,,,
You shouldn't be aiming for overall change. You are looking for change at that moment. That is why I am picky about who I listen to. The person has to be able to adapt. I have no intention of changing them permanently.
Given how long this has gone on, I think you should expect that your efforts to change the dynamic may not be very effective.
I will share an experience I had with someone like your friend. In my case, I only knew the woman for about six months. As the time went on, I noticed that she would not stop talking, and if I wanted to get a comment in, I would have to start raising my voice slightly and just talk over her to get her to stop. At one point, when she interrupted me, I said "Could you please let me finish what I was saying?" and this caught her off guard and she was a bit irritated.
A few more weeks of the steam-rolling "conversations," and I decided it wasn't worth it to me anymore. This woman had a lot of great qualities, but her conversation style was so unbalanced, it just wasn't going to work for me. I drifted away.
There has been research done that shows that it is very pleasurable for people to talk about themselves to other people. This article provides an overview. I haven't been able to find the original study.
Interesting articles, thanks.
I have put up with big talkers my whole life and I'm so sick of it. I end up just smiling and nodding like an automaton, then making an exit pronto. There are people I avoid just for this reason.
I don't think they can change---in fact, I think they get worse. It becomes unthinking habitual behavior.
My dear sweet DH who would not hurt me for any reason, continually interrupts me (and I don't talk much to begin with) . When I call him on it, he is oblivious. I don't know any decent conversationalists!
The people I know who monopolize the conversation and hold you hostage to hear them, have been people who live alone, at least in my experience. (Or people who don’t “get out”) I wonder if this causes the problem or makes it worse... they save up all their communication and unload it on whoever they can??
The people I know who monopolize the conversation and hold you hostage to hear them, have been people who live alone, at least in my experience. (Or people who don’t “get out”) I wonder if this causes the problem or makes it worse... they save up all their communication and unload it on whoever they can??
I think this is the case with my BIL, and it's getting worse with age. My husband says he didn't USED to be such a talker. But he doesn't work, so he's home all day by himself. Even his wife says he starts in the minute she gets home from work. She's like "Can I go to the bathroom first??" LOL
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