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I've been friends with this person for some 10 years. It would be easier if this was a new friendship, I could say my piece.
But now I feel like, if I say my piece, she will feel offended that I didn't express this before.
My "piece" is that I process conversation differently than some others do.
(I only realized this recently).
When a person comes at me with a barrage of words, I mentally turn away. I shut them off.
It's like a baby, some babies when they get overstimulated they will have an outburst, or try to get out of the situation.
For me, I used to think-- don't be rude, just concentrate and listen to the other person.
Then I realized that it depends on the other's mode of conversation. If a person speaks not too loudly, and in short segments, and gives me time to catch up, I'm ok.
but if someone talks in a long stream, the image comes to mind like a machine gun-- rat a tat tat. - not taking a breath, no matter how hard I try, I cannot stay focused. I will interrupt them not bec. I want to say something,but just to make them stop.
This particular friend, she starts talking when she lays eye on the other person, and doesn't stop for a long time. It's irksome. It's not that she doesn't have interesting things to say. She does. It's not that she is narcissistic, she will ask me a question about myself, and she asks questions that show she does listen in those few seconds when I talk. But i'll start to answer, and then boom, we're off to the races again.
I feel like I can hardly breathe when I think about it.
So - anybody have any similar experience when it comes to auditory processing?
I process more slower than some people, and I need to find a way to let others know. I hate that with some people that I really like conversation becomes a battle ground, where I'm trying to be heard, and feeling like I'm being run-over.
Here is my advice: When you turn away mentally, express it in words. "Sorry, I can't concentrate on what you are saying because you are going too fast."
yeah, maybe that is possible. I find it hard to express myself about relationships. I tend it bottle things up, then get so mad, that I end the relationship.
And there have been times - with this particular person - that I have said to myself -' just don't see her anymore'. But the fact is she is a good-hearted person, and I do not want to end the relationship.
Thank you for your advice.
I will see if I can do that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by elyn02
Here is my advice: When you turn away mentally, express it in words. "Sorry, I can't concentrate on what you are saying because you are going too fast."
If she truly is a friend she will take your request on board. We all need to make adjustments as we get older and start to become more aware of our needs.
yeah, maybe that is possible. I find it hard to express myself about relationships. I tend it bottle things up, then get so mad, that I end the relationship.
And there have been times - with this particular person - that I have said to myself -' just don't see her anymore'. But the fact is she is a good-hearted person, and I do not want to end the relationship.
Thank you for your advice.
I will see if I can do that.
There's your problem. You are making this about the relationship, not just a difference in communication processing styles that can be resolved.
I have a friend who lost her hearing in one ear recently. She has to remind me at times to speak lower and louder and look at her when we speak.
Is this about our relationship? No.
What are you really afraid will happen if you explain yourself?
Here is my advice: When you turn away mentally, express it in words. "Sorry, I can't concentrate on what you are saying because you are going too fast."
You could try softening the "blow" by phrasing it something like:
"Could you repeat that last part? I didn't catch all of it. When you get excited about something you tend to talk a little faster than I can follow sometimes. I really want to hear what you say. Thanks!"
You could try softening the "blow" by phrasing it something like:
"Could you repeat that last part? I didn't catch all of it. When you get excited about something you tend to talk a little faster than I can follow sometimes. I really want to hear what you say. Thanks!"
Thanks. I have never been good about softening the blow. That probably explains why I don't have a huge circle of friends.
It's not that she is narcissistic, she will ask me a question about myself, and she asks questions that show she does listen in those few seconds when I talk. But i'll start to answer, and then boom, we're off to the races again.
I think it can be narcissistic. I know somebody similar to that. On the rare occasions they ask me about me, it's just as you say-- I barely get anything in before they're off again, either on their opinion about what I said or something it reminded them of (or, at times, it's seemed they asked only to be polite and now that that "duty" is fulfilled, they feel free to resume talking). I'm not sure what else to call it but narcissistic. It may not be deliberately so-- I'm sure they have no idea they're doing it or how it comes across, and certainly aren't thinking "well, let's turn this back to me"-- but some people listen to others just to give themselves an "in" for the next thing they want to say, or focus so much on what they're planning to say next that they don't actually listen to what the other person is saying. I've learned that a person can be personable and likeable in many ways, and not actually come across as egotistical, but their communication style suggests that somewhere way in the back of their mind where they may not even be conscious of it, they come first.
I'd say it's YOUR problem to deal with, not theirs.
People need to stop making THEIR problems someone else'
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