Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
These people are afraid to be alone and add low self-esteem to the mix and you get them acting this way.It's a shame but it's their choice to stay in a relationship like that.
Actually, she's on a bunch of medication. She even talks to her two daughters about how mommy needs to take her happy pills, which I find to be awful.
Just the other day, she was frustrated with her oldest daughter who she told to text her other daughter while we were on the phone. The daughter ignored her and continued to text her friend.
Then, my friend hollered at her daughter with a bunch of f-bombs. It was honestly appalling and I was in shock how she spoke to her daughter. I made a comment about how "Whoa, mommy is using the f-bomb" and she just explained why she was mad at her daughter.
But, we were on the phone before she arrived to pick up her daughters. And while we were on the phone, her daughter came to the car and told her how she'd done so well in track compared to the week before. My friend, her mom, barely acknowledged that. I had heard her and said "Wow! Amazing! She really kicked butt! Or something to that effect.
So, my friend took about 5 seconds to acknowledge that yes, that was good. Now, text your sister.
So, in my opinion, the daughter ignored her and texted her friend, probably saying what a jerk her mother is, and waited to get real attention from her mother, even if it was only in getting a heated response including f-bombs.
But, sure, she might be thinking that her life might be harder and more like mine if she wasn't married. But, logically, how can it be better if her career is destroyed?
She shared with me that they very rarely even have sex anymore. So, I just don't get why she stays with him.
All I can think of is that it may be a religious thing, she's Catholic, and may honestly think she shouldn't get divorced - although, she's told me that she's threatened him with divorce many times.
But, I just wonder if she and women like her think it might be some kind of proof of failure or a self-esteem thing.
Oddly, I have always suffered from self-esteem, but have always been really strong on people not treating me unfairly.
I guess the human experience is just different for everyone.
Part of me is concerned about the message she sends her daughters. I had a really good counselor once tell me that however I deal with life in front of my daughter, that's how I'm telling her she should deal with life.
So, when my friend yelled at her with f-bombs, she was teaching her that when she gets frustrated or angry, it's okay to yell at that person with f-bombs. Although, the weird thing is, she and her daughter would both know that's not okay with everyone. But, only with people close to you - or that you supposedly love.
I just think it's a sad mess.
But, I think the main thing is my friend knows on some level what's really happening here - that her marriage was a big mistake - but she can't face it, and her anger and frustration comes out sideways.
Do you feel her husband is intentionally sabotaging her career? Sometimes it CAN be unintentional. Maybe he wishes she would re-invest herself in her family.
I'm glad that you validated the daughter's achievements; you didn't have to do that & it was very nice of you to do so.
I had to detach myself from a friend of 42 years because I could no longer watch the dysfunction of her and her husband's relationship. Her go to answer to every situation was, "It is what it is, right?" I detest that statement now more than any other, but I could not sit by, quietly, and watch the abuse (not physical but verbal & mental).
This works conversely as well, husbands letting their wives be the boss. Obama always referred to Michelle as The Boss during their 8 years, and Truman would always say: Let me pass this by the "Boss" before I make a decision.
Rick Perry finally admitted in an interview: My wife forced me to run for President.
Many go-getting business owners/CEO's could very well have a "Boss" that they're trying to please. Perhaps she wants a 3rd or 4th home somewhere in the world, she's a shop-aholic, or likes being in the limelight.
Some poor business decisions made by high-profile business owners could stem back to the "Boss".
Never overlook the PBT's: Powers Behind The Thrones.
Martyrs, by the way, are very power hungry! May be hard to visualize, but it's the truth! Many wives of Middle Eastern Muslim men have them wrapped around their fingers, but you don't see it!
This works conversely as well, husbands letting their wives be the boss. Obama always referred to Michelle as The Boss during their 8 years, and Truman would always say: Let me pass this by the "Boss" before I make a decision.
Rick Perry finally admitted in an interview: My wife forced me to run for President.
That's not remotely the same (or "converse") thing. Those instances were said in jest. You're really going to compare men who made it to the highest public office in the land to women who let their husbands sabotage their careers? Think for a minute how those two things are different (other than gender).
I had an assistant for ten years. She was absolutely wonderful. Hard-working, conscientious, funny, creative, and had an amazing attitude. We became very good friends in our professional life. She passed away several years ago and I still miss her. She just made work fun.
In our many conversations, we typically avoided discussing our marriages. That's just a boundary you just don't cross. But one time, we had a long eight-hour drive to a client meeting and got to talking. She asked how my wife and I did things in terms of decision making.
Since my wife is a CPA and the CFO of a largish real estate company, the money is pretty much her domain. I don't abdicate my right to chime in, but she knows her stuff. When Kellie heard this, she said, "Oh, wow. That wouldn't fly with Keith."
What? As it turns out, her fundamentalist husband believed strongly in a husband-led marriage, as in making all the decisions. While that might have been the norm in 1st Century Palestine, it's a stupid concept in 21st Century America. I mean, the Bible accepted the reality of slavery back then, too. Does that mean it's acceptable today as well?
So during this long car ride, she started unloading on me. For example, when their first child was born, they lived close to town near their jobs. But her mother-in-law offered to take care of the baby if they'd move close to her. No discussion, no nothing. The next thing Kellie knows, Keith is putting their home up for sale and moving them down the street from his family out in the sticks. So whereas Kellie previously had a five-minute to work, it was now an hour-long slog.
Three weeks after they move home, the MIL reneges on the arrangement, saying she just couldn't handle childcare duties any longer. Yet Keith refused to move back into town. So Kellie spent the next 18 years driving an hour to work and back, almost until the day she died. This town was so backwards that it didn't even have a coffee shop, so she would always stop off at Starbucks before getting into the office. To you and me, Starbucks is kind of meh. To her, it was the very emblem of luxury that was unavailable to her where she lived.
One of our clients was the local symphony. For one performance, we got four free tickets. Kellie had never been to the symphony, so we all went together. It was a great performance and Kellie was dazzled by it. In the party after the performance, there were waiters passing out champagne flutes. My wife had one, I had one, and Kellie decided to have one. Keith just about had a fit in the middle of the party. Whenever we traveled on business, I would typically have a martini or a glass of wine at dinner. Meanwhile, Kellie would say, "I'd like to try that, but I have to answer to my husband."
She earned a good salary, but her husband gave her an allowance. We went to a trade show in Las Vegas, and he forbid her to spend time in a casino, even dictating what shows she could attend at night after our work was done. As in he would look at the shows we were considering online and tell her which ones he thought appropriate.
He also suspected that we were having an affair (We weren't. Not even a hint), to the point that Kellie woke up in the middle of the night caught him going through her e-mails and text messages to me. Of course, he found nothing, because there was nothing going on between us. But it practically took an act of Congress for her to go on business trips to, you know, do her job. In addition to Las Vegas, we went on something like a dozen business trips together. Every single time, she needed Keith's okay.
I mean, one time we were heading back to the office after a client appointment. It was nearly Christmas, and I needed to stop by my church to pick up something. Being an Episcopalian, we have decidedly different views than the Fundamentalists on a host of things. So we walk into the church offices to pick up a package and happen to encounter our female priest. While I excused myself to go to the restroom, Kellie and Danielle had a nice discussion. Then she asked if she could see the inside of the sanctuary. It's a beautiful, graceful worship space with stained glass windows. She wandered through there and just admired the place.
So when she excitedly recounted the visit to Keith, he evidently hit the roof that she even crossed the threshold of the place. So the next time I had to run an errand at my church, she waited in the car.
And this was for an educated woman who, in every other aspect of her life was a strong-willed person. But when it came to her husband's word, she the demeanor of a whipped dog. I don't think he was physically abusive, but he sure had her under his thumb.
When she died, my wife and I went to the funeral in some backwoods church. What we experienced was less of a funeral and more of a long and sustained meditation on hell and damnation for those people who didn't shape up and go to church. Mind you, I'm a professing Christian who fully subscribes to the Nicene Creed, but this was so far removed from the humane and kind stripe of Christianity I follow that I wondered if we were actually using the same Bible.
After the funeral, my wife said, "Well, I was all prepared to weep buckets at Kellie's funeral. Now I'm just mad."
As a professing Christian your entire viewpoint on men vs women is skewed and compromised. Read the last few chapters of 1 Kings and report back.
As a professing Christian your entire viewpoint on men vs women is skewed and compromised. Read the last few chapters of 1 Kings and report back.
You Bible beaters. It's weird how you love to bring up the Old Testament when it's convenient to you and then downplay it when it's not.
But while you're going to talk about the Bible, then perhaps you should remember what Paul writes on the subject in Galatians 3:
23 Before the coming of this faith, we were held in custody under the law, locked up until the faith that was to come would be revealed. 24 So the law was our guardian until Christ came that we might be justified by faith. 25 Now that this faith has come, we are no longer under a guardian. 26 So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith, 27 for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. 28 There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. 29 If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise.
I had an assistant for ten years. She was absolutely wonderful. Hard-working, conscientious, funny, creative, and had an amazing attitude. We became very good friends in our professional life. She passed away several years ago and I still miss her. She just made work fun.
In our many conversations, we typically avoided discussing our marriages. That's just a boundary you just don't cross. But one time, we had a long eight-hour drive to a client meeting and got to talking. She asked how my wife and I did things in terms of decision making.
Since my wife is a CPA and the CFO of a largish real estate company, the money is pretty much her domain. I don't abdicate my right to chime in, but she knows her stuff. When Kellie heard this, she said, "Oh, wow. That wouldn't fly with Keith."
What? As it turns out, her fundamentalist husband believed strongly in a husband-led marriage, as in making all the decisions. While that might have been the norm in 1st Century Palestine, it's a stupid concept in 21st Century America. I mean, the Bible accepted the reality of slavery back then, too. Does that mean it's acceptable today as well?
So during this long car ride, she started unloading on me. For example, when their first child was born, they lived close to town near their jobs. But her mother-in-law offered to take care of the baby if they'd move close to her. No discussion, no nothing. The next thing Kellie knows, Keith is putting their home up for sale and moving them down the street from his family out in the sticks. So whereas Kellie previously had a five-minute to work, it was now an hour-long slog.
Three weeks after they move home, the MIL reneges on the arrangement, saying she just couldn't handle childcare duties any longer. Yet Keith refused to move back into town. So Kellie spent the next 18 years driving an hour to work and back, almost until the day she died. This town was so backwards that it didn't even have a coffee shop, so she would always stop off at Starbucks before getting into the office. To you and me, Starbucks is kind of meh. To her, it was the very emblem of luxury that was unavailable to her where she lived.
One of our clients was the local symphony. For one performance, we got four free tickets. Kellie had never been to the symphony, so we all went together. It was a great performance and Kellie was dazzled by it. In the party after the performance, there were waiters passing out champagne flutes. My wife had one, I had one, and Kellie decided to have one. Keith just about had a fit in the middle of the party. Whenever we traveled on business, I would typically have a martini or a glass of wine at dinner. Meanwhile, Kellie would say, "I'd like to try that, but I have to answer to my husband."
She earned a good salary, but her husband gave her an allowance. We went to a trade show in Las Vegas, and he forbid her to spend time in a casino, even dictating what shows she could attend at night after our work was done. As in he would look at the shows we were considering online and tell her which ones he thought appropriate.
He also suspected that we were having an affair (We weren't. Not even a hint), to the point that Kellie woke up in the middle of the night caught him going through her e-mails and text messages to me. Of course, he found nothing, because there was nothing going on between us. But it practically took an act of Congress for her to go on business trips to, you know, do her job. In addition to Las Vegas, we went on something like a dozen business trips together. Every single time, she needed Keith's okay.
I mean, one time we were heading back to the office after a client appointment. It was nearly Christmas, and I needed to stop by my church to pick up something. Being an Episcopalian, we have decidedly different views than the Fundamentalists on a host of things. So we walk into the church offices to pick up a package and happen to encounter our female priest. While I excused myself to go to the restroom, Kellie and Danielle had a nice discussion. Then she asked if she could see the inside of the sanctuary. It's a beautiful, graceful worship space with stained glass windows. She wandered through there and just admired the place.
So when she excitedly recounted the visit to Keith, he evidently hit the roof that she even crossed the threshold of the place. So the next time I had to run an errand at my church, she waited in the car.
And this was for an educated woman who, in every other aspect of her life was a strong-willed person. But when it came to her husband's word, she the demeanor of a whipped dog. I don't think he was physically abusive, but he sure had her under his thumb.
When she died, my wife and I went to the funeral in some backwoods church. What we experienced was less of a funeral and more of a long and sustained meditation on hell and damnation for those people who didn't shape up and go to church. Mind you, I'm a professing Christian who fully subscribes to the Nicene Creed, but this was so far removed from the humane and kind stripe of Christianity I follow that I wondered if we were actually using the same Bible.
After the funeral, my wife said, "Well, I was all prepared to weep buckets at Kellie's funeral. Now I'm just mad."
Thanks for sharing Kellie's story. Not my place to judge them, but she sounds like she lived to her values and stuck with them to the end. I'm sure it wasn't easy to navigate being a modern working woman in a fundamentalist environment. She had her own kind of grit it seems. She didn't give up either her career or her marriage.
Thanks for sharing Kellie's story. Not my place to judge them, but she sounds like she lived to her values and stuck with them to the end. I'm sure it wasn't easy to navigate being a modern working woman in a fundamentalist environment. She had her own kind of grit it seems. She didn't give up either her career or her marriage.
But maybe she gave up part of her own identity.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
