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I'd rather be alone than deal with crazy drama. So, I just don't get it.
That's fine for you but some people thrive on crazy drama. If they can't find it, they create it without even realizing it. Best thing to do is mind your own business and don't try to "fix" your friends' relationships.
I left work to care for our disabled child 12 years ago. His dad is 12 years older than I & his skill is highly valued in his industry. I recognize that he has been the sole-income provider for all these years & that age 63; he'd prefer to start winding it down but instead ... there is no end in sight.
I have to actively remind myself that no-one is at fault in my situation because SOMETIMES I feel very invalidated & forgotten. It would be very easy for me to be bitter & sometimes I'll say things like 'Yes, I know, you are the one who gets to work' or something similarly snarky.
When he acts clueless about the reality of my situation, I guess I am giving him the benefit of the doubt but I assume he IS just kinda clueless.
Like the other day he said something like 'I oughta just give up & retire. I could just stay home with Luke (nooo...that went horribly the first time we tried that!), because you can make more money than me anyway'.
And I just looked at him for a minute but finally said 'I am a 51 year old WOMAN who has been out of the workforce now since I was 39 years old. It is hard enough for women my age to get the good positions out there, even after continuous employment ... Do you even realize what the impact of these last 12 years would mean for me out there?'
And I saw it in his face. I saw his face change because no; I don't think that had EVER occurred to him before & he knew that what I was saying was the truth. My fast track to success has been permanently mitigated & I would not start over where I left off.
He should have known this already. I'm not sure why he didn't but I do think it was unintentional. He doesn't carry himself in the self-absorbed manner as the guy you have described, though; so I kinda think that your feelings about that guy are correct.
I think because time just slips by. At least it has in our home. It's like before we had the bandwidth to consider the consequences they were long already on top of us. Well, sorta.. I mean, I suppose it depends on what we're talking about. In terms of ME going out, getting further educated (beyond my liberal arts degree) and landing a nice job.. that's over and done for.. About 10 years into it (6 years ago) I did realize the very dangerous economic position I was in if anything were to happen to my us or my husband and it was not too late to learn about and master personal finances.. using HIS income. With his good income, luck and careful money management we will soon be in a position where I no longer need the new degrees or nice job and we won't need his job either... I, alone, could cover our low expenses with ANY job (although life would suck).
But to your point, I don't think my husband "gets it" either. He's too wrapped up in managing his own career and being productive for our benefit. And hearing all the BS that happens in his work I'm GLAD I have a choice NOT to do it.
Choosing to stay in a relationship, choosing to be dependent, choosing to cave in to or accept someone else's "leadership" isn't about money and probably isn't about smarts either.
Very common for a lot of the women I’ve known to blindly obey whatever stuff their husbands come up with. Some examples I’ve dealt with:
One lady had to finish all her assigned chores before we could go out to lunch. Her husband, my boss, was out of town for the week and the list included washing and polishing the 3 car garage floor. Other chores listed which day to buy groceries, which day to do laundry, etc. This woman had 3 kids and took care of the house. She ended up going to lunch but he tracked her down at the restaurant from out of town to tell her to get home!
One women called me at work to inform me that her husband had decided most of her friends weren’t spiritual enough for her and that included me.
One woman said that her husband had prayed about us going out for 20 minute walk after the kids were in bed a couple times a week. He said we shouldn’t be doing that, it wasn’t “right”.
Another one stayed married to her husband through his drugs and womanizing because it was her duty to. It was her job.
One friend hands over all her money to her husband, doesn’t know what’s paid and what isn’t until she gets the late payment calls. Doesn’t know anything about her their bills. She has 2 degrees and a professional career and he is a truck driver.
Another one makes all the house payments with her money but only the husband’s name is on the mortgage.
Sometimes I think these women like having their husbands tell them what to do. I don’t get it, it certainly isn’t what I prefer. But these women won’t make any plans even for coffe or shopping without asking permission, which they rarely get.
Another one makes all the house payments with her money but only the husband’s name is on the mortgage.
Uh, you mean the house is only in his name??? And she's paying for the house with her money?
I'd have a problem with that.
I know quite a few women who's husbands bought a home and put it in their (the husband's) name only. Some of them aren't even aware of it and don't seem to care. One of them said to me "well as long as I have a roof over my head, I don't care."
I'd care especially if I were paying the mortgage for a house that didn't belong to me.
Uh, you mean the house is only in his name??? And she's paying for the house with her money?
I'd have a problem with that.
I know quite a few women who's husbands bought a home and put it in their (the husband's) name only. Some of them aren't even aware of it and don't seem to care. One of them said to me "well as long as I have a roof over my head, I don't care."
I'd care especially if I were paying the mortgage for a house that didn't belong to me.
Yup only his name is on the house mortgage. I would never go with that.
Uh, you mean the house is only in his name??? And she's paying for the house with her money?
I'd have a problem with that.
I know quite a few women who's husbands bought a home and put it in their (the husband's) name only. Some of them aren't even aware of it and don't seem to care. One of them said to me "well as long as I have a roof over my head, I don't care."
I'd care especially if I were paying the mortgage for a house that didn't belong to me.
This is basically the situation with my friend. Her husband owned a duplex (just one side) when they met and got married. They lived in it, had 2 kids (it's a really small duplex) and when the market crashed, they bought a huge, beautiful home on a golf course in a gated community. He kept the duplex with the intent to rent it out.
Guess who did all the work fixing it up and renting it out? Yep, his wife. She used a lot of her own money to do so, too.
He has refused to put her name on that house.
Now, he wants to sell their huge house, which should net them about $450,000 profit, and they'll move back into his duplex, now with two tween girls who haven't had to share a bedroom for years, but now they will. They're used to being able to escape each other by going to different sections of the house and they all have their own bedrooms, including the husband and wife, so they can all have their own bathrooms, closets, mirrors, different television viewing areas, etc. I just can't even imagine how they will adjust to that tiny 2 bedroom duplex.
Under CA community property law, half that profit is hers. But, he wants to use that money to pay their lawyer to sue their employer (he still works there, she's been fired) for her wrongful termination. And, he wants her to start day trading futures, also with that money.
And, he retires in just a couple years, and plans on being a day trader when he retires, trading futures. I've heard the whole spiel about how they'll buy some futures trading guru's monthly service for tips on how to buy and sell.
Kinda like buying a book on how to count cards in Las Vegas. If it was a good idea that would make you rich, why would the guy spend time writing a book or selling tips on how to trade futures, right? They'd be filthy rich hanging out in the Caymans.
I think it's completely and utterly insane.
She's already told me that she's been trading without money. Apparently you can pay for some website or something where you can pretend to trade. She doesn't really want to do this, but I told her, well, I guess as long as you stick to a plan on when to buy and sell and never spending over a certain amount, I guess....(after making it clear I thought it was a bad idea, then left it alone). Then she told me that she does get emotional and it's like a gambling addiction.
Anyway, the writing is on the wall, in my opinion. She also doesn't want to sell their house, but she goes along with whatever he wants. I think it's just easier. He can rant and rave and she gives in.
I had another friend who would rant and rave about her husband and I'd ask her why doesn't she leave him, I can help her with a budget, etc., etc., and she said she really likes her house with the indoor pool, and then starts talking about his good points.
I'd rather be alone and poor - and in control of my own money, etc.
This is basically the situation with my friend. Her husband owned a duplex (just one side) when they met and got married. They lived in it, had 2 kids (it's a really small duplex) and when the market crashed, they bought a huge, beautiful home on a golf course in a gated community. He kept the duplex with the intent to rent it out.
Guess who did all the work fixing it up and renting it out? Yep, his wife. She used a lot of her own money to do so, too.
He has refused to put her name on that house.
Now, he wants to sell their huge house, which should net them about $450,000 profit, and they'll move back into his duplex, now with two tween girls who haven't had to share a bedroom for years, but now they will. They're used to being able to escape each other by going to different sections of the house and they all have their own bedrooms, including the husband and wife, so they can all have their own bathrooms, closets, mirrors, different television viewing areas, etc. I just can't even imagine how they will adjust to that tiny 2 bedroom duplex.
Under CA community property law, half that profit is hers. But, he wants to use that money to pay their lawyer to sue their employer (he still works there, she's been fired) for her wrongful termination. And, he wants her to start day trading futures, also with that money.c.
So many problems with all this. Day trading is difficult and not always lucrative. Suing an employer for wrongful termination is also difficult to win, unless it's a slam dunk. At most she might get a small settlement. Been there, done that. I couldn't fix up a home or even clean it on a regular basis if my name wasn't on it.
I learned that my ex-boyfriend (man I dated right before I met my now husband) married the woman that he cheated on me with...and put the house in his name only. I feel like I dodged a bullet.
I also believe there are some financial risks associated with having the house in one spouse's name only, if that spouse gets sued. At least in my state, if he's sued, the court can take the whole house away from him because it's not jointly owned.
So many problems with all this. Day trading is difficult and not always lucrative. Suing an employer for wrongful termination is also difficult to win, unless it's a slam dunk. At most she might get a small settlement. Been there, done that. I couldn't fix up a home or even clean it on a regular basis if my name wasn't on it.
I learned that my ex-boyfriend (man I dated right before I met my now husband) married the woman that he cheated on me with...and put the house in his name only. I feel like I dodged a bullet.
I also believe there are some financial risks associated with having the house in one spouse's name only, if that spouse gets sued. At least in my state, if he's sued, the court can take the whole house away from him because it's not jointly owned.
Wow, I didn't know that about the court being able to take away the house if it's in his name only. Not sure either about laws regarding that here, but sounds possible. It wouldn't be protected as community property.
Yeah, it's crazy stuff, the day trading stuff. You definitely dodged a bullet with that guy, too. Good for you.
Very common for a lot of the women I’ve known to blindly obey whatever stuff their husbands come up with. Some examples I’ve dealt with:
One lady had to finish all her assigned chores before we could go out to lunch. Her husband, my boss, was out of town for the week and the list included washing and polishing the 3 car garage floor. Other chores listed which day to buy groceries, which day to do laundry, etc. This woman had 3 kids and took care of the house. She ended up going to lunch but he tracked her down at the restaurant from out of town to tell her to get home!
One women called me at work to inform me that her husband had decided most of her friends weren’t spiritual enough for her and that included me.
One woman said that her husband had prayed about us going out for 20 minute walk after the kids were in bed a couple times a week. He said we shouldn’t be doing that, it wasn’t “right”.
Another one stayed married to her husband through his drugs and womanizing because it was her duty to. It was her job.
One friend hands over all her money to her husband, doesn’t know what’s paid and what isn’t until she gets the late payment calls. Doesn’t know anything about her their bills. She has 2 degrees and a professional career and he is a truck driver.
Another one makes all the house payments with her money but only the husband’s name is on the mortgage.
Sometimes I think these women like having their husbands tell them what to do. I don’t get it, it certainly isn’t what I prefer. But these women won’t make any plans even for coffe or shopping without asking permission, which they rarely get.
I don’t know women like this. Your friends sound like people living and working two generations ago.
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