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I dont agree that this is inappropriate. It takes a lot to reveal abuse to someone and it takes a lot for a victim to trust someone with their secret. If the roles were reversed people tend to be more sympathetic toward a woman who is being abused. But an abusive wife and mother are equally as dangerous. Saying him confiding in her is taking time from his wife or betraying his wife is tantamount to victim blaming in this case. If everything he is saying is true, he may just be getting to the point of realizing this is abuse and trying to change it. He needs support more than ever.
Support your friend. Encourage him to document document document. There are recording devices that can be hidden in everyday objects, such as pens and watches. Recording a few different encounters of abuse, particularly of the children and he needs to go to the police station and file a restraining order. And get CPS involved. It is an uphill battle for men who are abused which isnt fair but its the way it is. He needs proof/
First of all, Bob is engaging in an inappropriate relationship with you. He's sharing intimate feelings and confiding with you, bonding with you over intimate details of both your lives, hiding the relationship with you from his wife...all of that is wrong. There's a really simple test: if you wouldn't do what you're doing in front of your spouse (because she would disapprove) then it's wrong. Bob's wife would have a problem with his relationship with you. It doesn't matter what you or your wife think.
Everything in your first paragraph is true....until abuse is involved. All those emotional rules about marriage get thrown out the window when there is abuse.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by djsuperfly
Everything in your first paragraph is true....until abuse is involved. All those emotional rules about marriage get thrown out the window when there is abuse.
Nope. People who are in abusive relationships need very specific help. These victims need specialized, highly trained people to help them. Unless the OP is specifically trained, she should direct her friend to someone who is.
Again, OP keeping secrets from her wife is a problem, no matter her reasoning.
I repeat, if OP is aware of children being abused, her first responsibility is to them.
By virtue of staring this thread, the OP knows she is in over head. Call the national domestic violence hotline 1-800-799-7233. Urge your friend to do so, too.
I think it's wonderful she's trying to help. I do believe her intentions are good, but intentions aren't enough.
Nope. People who are in abusive relationships need very specific help. These victims need specialized, highly trained people to help them. Unless the OP is specifically trained, she should direct her friend to someone who is.
Again, OP keeping secrets from her wife is a problem, no matter her reasoning.
I repeat, if OP is aware of children being abused, her first responsibility is to them.
By virtue of staring this thread, the OP knows she is in over head. Call the national domestic violence hotline 1-800-799-7233. Urge your friend to do so, too.
I think it's wonderful she's trying to help. I do believe her intentions are good, but intentions aren't enough.
Bob does need therapy, however he needs to get to that step. Until then, the OP being a friend is invaluable in this situation. Bob’s wife is isolating him, having a bit of support is a good thing.
He needs to have his wife arrested for domestic violence. Then he needs to file for a restraining order, followed by filing for a divorce.
My thoughts exactly. If I were Bob, I'd set up some cameras in the common areas of my own home (after getting legal advice, of course) to document the abuse. Maybe he'll get lucky enough that she uses a weapon to hurt him. Hopefully by the time she gets out of jail, the kids will be out of high school.
My thoughts exactly. If I were Bob, I'd set up some cameras in the common areas of my own home (after getting legal advice, of course) to document the abuse. Maybe he'll get lucky enough that she uses a weapon to hurt him. Hopefully by the time she gets out of jail, the kids will be out of high school.
That's a good idea. He can set up the cameras when she's not home. He actually does that as a side job, so he's very good at it. He should be able to personally install cameras that are undetectable.
That's a good idea. He can set up the cameras when she's not home. He actually does that as a side job, so he's very good at it. He should be able to personally install cameras that are undetectable.
Also tell him to get a digital recorder and keep it in his pocket. They are very good at picking up sounds. He can record their conversations.
How old are the kids? How often are they alone with her? You say very young, so if she's actually hitting out of anger, they might be in actual physical danger.
He needs to see a therapist. He needs to leave this woman, and a therapist can turn him to that viewpoint and help him develop a plan to get out, because neither he nor the kids should live like this.
Bob does need therapy, however he needs to get to that step. Until then, the OP being a friend is invaluable in this situation. Bob’s wife is isolating him, having a bit of support is a good thing.
Yes. So what if he's keeping secrets from her? She has violated the sanctity of the marriage by abusing her family. She is a violent bully. NO ONE is obligated to any vows in an abusive situation. Moreover, isolated victims begin to see their situation as normal. External support is crucial. And can spur people to take action.
I do not meddle in my friend's marriages, but after a friend vented to me about longstanding problems in her decade-long marriage and her controlling and jealous husband, I asked her very carefully "If you are in this exact same situation a year from now and nothing has changed, will you be content to live your life like this?" There was a long silence, and she finally just said "no." She filed for divorce a couple weeks later. A therapist is great, but FRIENDS are important too.
Nope. People who are in abusive relationships need very specific help. These victims need specialized, highly trained people to help them. Unless the OP is specifically trained, she should direct her friend to someone who is.
Again, OP keeping secrets from her wife is a problem, no matter her reasoning.
I repeat, if OP is aware of children being abused, her first responsibility is to them.
By virtue of staring this thread, the OP knows she is in over head. Call the national domestic violence hotline 1-800-799-7233. Urge your friend to do so, too.
I think it's wonderful she's trying to help. I do believe her intentions are good, but intentions aren't enough.
There's not MUCH she can do, EXCEPT give him the violence hotline. She's got NO contact info for him at all.
Nope. People who are in abusive relationships need very specific help. These victims need specialized, highly trained people to help them. Unless the OP is specifically trained, she should direct her friend to someone who is.
Again, OP keeping secrets from her wife is a problem, no matter her reasoning.
I repeat, if OP is aware of children being abused, her first responsibility is to them.
By virtue of staring this thread, the OP knows she is in over head. Call the national domestic violence hotline 1-800-799-7233. Urge your friend to do so, too.
I think it's wonderful she's trying to help. I do believe her intentions are good, but intentions aren't enough.
I think you're a little confused. Or maybe I'm confused by your post. My wife knows of my friendship with Bob because we have a good relationship. Bob's wife is the only one who doesn't know about it. Also, I'm no domestic violence expert, but I have do have several years of undergraduate and graduate school in Clinical Psychology and I did study the subject in school. It's not so much that I don't know intellectually what should be done as much as how I should be supportive and do the right thing as a friend. It's a balancing act.
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