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Location: Stuck on the East Coast, hoping to head West
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Scooby Snacks
But I have not told my wife Bob's wife is abusive. I didn't feel it was my place to do so.
This is what I was referring to. I don't think it's fair to keep this from your wife.
Scooby Snacks, I think it's great you want to help. I really do. But I think you're getting into some very dangerous waters here. You could very well be putting your (or your wife's) safety at risk. How do you know how Bob's violent wife will react if he she finds out about you?
BTW, did you know that you can contact the domestic violence hotline to get tips on how to support Bob?
OP, I'm glad you brought this up here. It's good to get other opinions and we all have a little bit of different experiences to draw on.
I missed how you met this man? How old are his children?
My first red flag is that you communicate through encrypted chat. Why would anyone do that unless they were cheating before and know how to hide it from their spouse? Or they have more nefarious plans? I wouldn't even know where to look to find out how to do that.
Second red flag is that you don't have his contact info and yet you even went to meet him in person. What if his wife is having him followed, what if he is grooming you to ask for money or worse? What if you had disappeared? And now you're keeping some secrets from your spouse.
I know you're trying to help, but I would back away. Give him the phone numbers and good suggestions in this thread and tell him he needs to deal with professionals for his children's sake. Then don't chat with him anymore.
OP, I'm glad you brought this up here. It's good to get other opinions and we all have a little bit of different experiences to draw on.
I missed how you met this man? How old are his children?
My first red flag is that you communicate through encrypted chat. Why would anyone do that unless they were cheating before and know how to hide it from their spouse? Or they have more nefarious plans? I wouldn't even know where to look to find out how to do that.
Second red flag is that you don't have his contact info and yet you even went to meet him in person. What if his wife is having him followed, what if he is grooming you to ask for money or worse? What if you had disappeared? And now you're keeping some secrets from your spouse.
I know you're trying to help, but I would back away. Give him the phone numbers and good suggestions in this thread and tell him he needs to deal with professionals for his children's sake. Then don't chat with him anymore.
I met him at our local library. I commented on a book he was perusing and a friendship developed from there. As to the encrypted chat, we use it because his wife searches all his devices and everything he uses. Did he cheat? I have no idea. Maybe. But oftentimes people who are obsessed with the idea that their spouse is cheating are the ones who are actually doing the deed. His kids are young, a preteen and another several years younger.
We met at two restaurants in the presence of many people. I'm still not understanding posters' suspicions but I do appreciate your concern. He has not demonstrated any suspicious behavior toward me whatsoever. I've never even been alone with him.
Let me be more blunt. It's inappropriate to communicate secretly with a married man. It's inappropriate to go out to eat secretly with a married man.
Any married man, abused or not.
Ditto on that one.
Small talk is ok, but striking up friendships with random women when you are married is where all the suspicion comes in from other posters.
He's lying to someone, either you or his wife or both, so we know he's capable of pretty big lies either way. Knowing he's the type of person that strikes up friendships with women his age while he's married, behind his wife's back, and with children involved, is there a chance he could be lying about the abuse part or even who's doing it? I'm not sure where the moral integrity of this guy has been established so far.
He needs to leave the situation or police need to be called. I'm not sure where you would come in either way.
First of all, we're both married and of the opposite sex, and before anyone suggests there is something sexual going on, there isn't. We're both married to women and about the same age but we are like brother and sister. Intellectually we are both very smart, think extremely alike, and had nearly identical abusive childhoods, so every time we meet or talk on chat, it is so interesting, long winded, and involved. He's a scientist and I work in the medical field. The problem is his wife is extremely controlling, jealous, and abusive. I had no problem telling my wife that I had met him and invited her to meet us for coffee or whatever. My wife is a wonderful lady and it is very hard for me to meet friends. I'm reserved and slow to warm up to people.
The problem is my friend (I'll call him Bob's) wife. She is abusive. She constantly accuses her husband of cheating on him. She controls Bob's access to friends, both female and male. She even hits him and the children sometimes. So Bob hasn't told her about me. He really wants to see me because he is lonely without friends and being an abused man is hard. He doesn't want to leave because he believes he can protect the children from her (although he's really not protecting them) but if they divorce she will get partial or full custody and no one will protect them. They are young, so they have many years before they are fully grown.
I'm not sure what to do. Many husbands are in abusive relationships and don't want to admit it. I probably can't do anything. I feel him drifting away and it makes me sad. Then Bob and the kids will be alone again to be beaten and controlled by his wife again. They are anyway, but at least I can listen and maybe make suggestions or help him feel better. They have been together more than 10 years. I can't even call CPS because I don't have his contact info. We were speaking on an encrypted chat because his wife searches his phone and emails all the time looking for nonexistent proof that he is cheating
He needs to get a damn divorce yesterday. That's horse**** that he's protecting the kids. If they're being abused he's keeping them in danger.
If he’s hiding his chats with you from his wife, he is hiding a significant emotional relationship from her and she is justified in her suspicions. I understand that you are not having romantic feelings toward each other but you have become his confidant and a person he is relying heavily on for emotional support.
Given the fact that you have no way to report the abuse to anyone, all you can do is keep reminding him that he has other options and continue to offer contact details for organizations that can help.
First of all, we're both married and of the opposite sex, and before anyone suggests there is something sexual going on, there isn't. We're both married to women and about the same age but we are like brother and sister. Intellectually we are both very smart, think extremely alike, and had nearly identical abusive childhoods, so every time we meet or talk on chat, it is so interesting, long winded, and involved. He's a scientist and I work in the medical field. The problem is his wife is extremely controlling, jealous, and abusive. I had no problem telling my wife that I had met him and invited her to meet us for coffee or whatever. My wife is a wonderful lady and it is very hard for me to meet friends. I'm reserved and slow to warm up to people.
The problem is my friend (I'll call him Bob's) wife. She is abusive. She constantly accuses her husband of cheating on him. She controls Bob's access to friends, both female and male. She even hits him and the children sometimes. So Bob hasn't told her about me. He really wants to see me because he is lonely without friends and being an abused man is hard. He doesn't want to leave because he believes he can protect the children from her (although he's really not protecting them) but if they divorce she will get partial or full custody and no one will protect them. They are young, so they have many years before they are fully grown.
I'm not sure what to do. Many husbands are in abusive relationships and don't want to admit it. I probably can't do anything. I feel him drifting away and it makes me sad. Then Bob and the kids will be alone again to be beaten and controlled by his wife again. They are anyway, but at least I can listen and maybe make suggestions or help him feel better. They have been together more than 10 years. I can't even call CPS because I don't have his contact info. We were speaking on an encrypted chat because his wife searches his phone and emails all the time looking for nonexistent proof that he is cheating
Seems to me he should talk to a divorce lawyer. The lawyer can tell him how to accumulate evidence that will support him in court and get him custody. Collect some recommendations for him.
Second, seems to me he should see someone like a family therapist - by himself at first - also to get some guidance.
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