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I met him at our local library. I commented on a book he was perusing and a friendship developed from there. As to the encrypted chat, we use it because his wife searches all his devices and everything he uses. Did he cheat? I have no idea. Maybe. But oftentimes people who are obsessed with the idea that their spouse is cheating are the ones who are actually doing the deed. His kids are young, a preteen and another several years younger.
We met at two restaurants in the presence of many people. I'm still not understanding posters' suspicions but I do appreciate your concern. He has not demonstrated any suspicious behavior toward me whatsoever. I've never even been alone with him.
Calling someone a friend that you just met with a couple of times is a reach, he is an acquaintance.
An acquaintance who shared information with you that most people don't do when you first meet someone.
You are putting yourself, your partner, this man, and more importantly his children at risk.
The fact that his wife searches his devices, she could very easily come across your "encrypted" chat and go off on him, or even worse the children.
You want that on your conscious?
Quote:
Originally Posted by KaraG
Let me be more blunt. It's inappropriate to communicate secretly with a married man. It's inappropriate to go out to eat secretly with a married man.
Any married man, abused or not.
Exactly right, I guess the OP thinks because she is gay it makes it OK, it doesn't.
To boot they live in TX, my first thought would be does the wife have access to a gun. Whose to say she doesn't follow the husband one time to the "public restaurant" they meet at and she decides to use it.
Last edited by seain dublin; 10-15-2019 at 12:38 PM..
I haven't read through the entire thread yet. That said, I grew up in an abusive home. My mother was a narcissistic alcoholic who was verbally, emotionally and often physically abusive. My father never had the guts to stand up to her. He even told us not to argue with her because later on she would scream at him. Only when I was an adult did I realize that he threw us kids under the bus.
Bob is not "protecting" the kids. He is enabling the abuse to continue. When I was growing up, divorce was a no-no and when it did happen, the mother always got the kids, with very rare exceptions.
It's 2019 now and things are different. If Bob is able to legally get some footage of his wife's abusive behavior, it would help immensely. That way, he would have a good case for getting custody of the kids.
The thing is that once Bob is free of her, there is a very good chance that he would gravitate to another woman who behaves like his wife. That's what my father did. He had a wife and son before he married my mother. When he and his first wife (who was also an alcoholic) divorced she got custody of his son. She remarried and her new husband adopted the son.
When my mother died, my father married yet another alcoholic and controlling woman. They eventually divorced and he never remarried.
I mention the above because Bob needs to get counseling so he doesn't make the same mistake again. It's especially crucial when kids are involved. Also, the kids will need counseling.
All you can do is let Bob know that you will be there for him in a supportive role. Remind him that the kids' welfare comes first and foremost. If he doesn't fix all of this, then when the kids are adults, he will have found that he will have damaged his relationship with them. Try to convince him that if he succumbs to inertia with the idea that it would be the easy thing to do, that doing the right thing is not always the easy thing to do.
OP, lesbian or not, this is really shady stuff. You only communicate with this person via encrypted chat and don't even know his last name.
Yes, the OP is a lesbian. While the partner knows she has met up with this man twice, the partner doesn't know that Bob is in an abusive relationship. That in itself is wrong.
Bob isn't some longtime friend, this is a casual acquaintance.
So the OP is putting herself at risk, her partner at risk, this man, and his children at risk.
The wife goes through his devices(OP thinks since they're encrypted the wife won't find it), the wife could follow Bob and see he is meeting with the OP, who knows what would happen.
Plus they live in TX, whose to say the wife doesn't carry.
Yes, the OP is a lesbian. While the partner knows she has met up with this man twice, the partner doesn't know that Bob is in an abusive relationship. That in itself is wrong.
Bob isn't some longtime friend, this is a casual acquaintance.
So the OP is putting herself at risk, her partner at risk, this man, and his children at risk.
The wife goes through his devices(OP thinks since they're encrypted the wife won't find it), the wife could follow Bob and see he is meeting with the OP, who knows what would happen.
Plus they live in TX, whose to say the wife doesn't carry.
I'd say there's a high likelihood that Bob isn't being honest about the abusive relationship. I don't know why he'd make up something like that, but I just think Bob is bad news. He doesn't trust the OP enough to reveal his identity yet he's ok with telling her very personal stuff about his family? Something is not right with Bob. I think the OP should break all ties with him.
I'd say there's a high likelihood that Bob isn't being honest about the abusive relationship. I don't know why he'd make up something like that, but I just think Bob is bad news. He doesn't trust the OP enough to reveal his identity yet he's ok with telling her very personal stuff about his family? Something is not right with Bob. I think the OP should break all ties with him.
Funny you should mention that, I thought about that as well. I commented on here it was odd that someone you have only met a couple of times would share this so soon.
That's not the norm, it would usually take awhile for someone to open up with that type of information. In fact most of the time when someone does suspect someone they know is being abused, the abused person denies it at first, or makes excuses and tries to downplay it.
I get the feeling the OP enjoys drama, not telling her partner, chatting with encrypted messages. This is someone she really doesn't know, it would be different if this was a long time friend.
Agree, share whatever information on what help is available and cut ties.
OP, lesbian or not, this is really shady stuff. You only communicate with this person via encrypted chat and don't even know his last name.
OP, is this why you don't see that it's wrong? Is it because you aren't attracted to this man that you think it's okay to have a secret relationship behind his wife's back?
I think most agree that ongoing emotional relationships are deeper and more damaging than a simple sexual cheat.
Seain Dublin - this smells of paranoia. Yes, folks in Texas carry and carry concealed and open.
To boot they live in TX, my first thought would be does the wife have access to a gun. Whose to say she doesn't follow the husband one time to the "public restaurant" they meet at and she decides to use it.
Plus they live in TX, whose to say the wife doesn't carry.
Looks like a duck, walks like a duck, is likely a duck.
A couple of clandestine meetings and encrypted messages do not a make a friend in my book. The scientist manages to meet with OP in public and communicate and spills out the most inner. He is not capable to deal with anything as he is under constant observation. He knows the judge's decision in case of a divorce. Are wife and children real? Is he just a bit odd and likes make believe? OP is not sharing her secret friend with her partner. Strange situation. Not my cup of tea.
Seain Dublin - this smells of paranoia. Yes, folks in Texas carry and carry concealed and open.
To boot they live in TX, my first thought would be does the wife have access to a gun. Whose to say she doesn't follow the husband one time to the "public restaurant" they meet at and she decides to use it.
Plus they live in TX, whose to say the wife doesn't carry.
I was just pointing out that in addition to how unsavory this whole situation is 1) The guy's wife doesn't know
2) The OP's partner doesn't know the guy is being abused by his wife 3) Secret meetings and encrypted messages with the wife searching his devices.
That being in TX it is more likely she could own a gun and use it....that's all.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Threestep
Looks like a duck, walks like a duck, is likely a duck.
A couple of clandestine meetings and encrypted messages do not a make a friend in my book. The scientist manages to meet with OP in public and communicate and spills out the most inner. He is not capable to deal with anything as he is under constant observation. He knows the judge's decision in case of a divorce. Are wife and children real? Is he just a bit odd and likes make believe? OP is not sharing her secret friend with her partner. Strange situation. Not my cup of tea.
Agree, it's amazing how people throw the word friend around these days, this is an acquaintance and one I would stop seeing.
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