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Conversations are unscripted, unrehearsed, free-flowing things. Not every thought we have is equally brilliant, well thought out, and helpful. She said what popped into her head at the time. It was relevant to her perspective at that moment. Your chance to agree or disagree with that comment was right then. Reactions you think up later aren't really fair. She thought about it two seconds, you've been dwelling on it for how long now to come up with a response? Do you want that reversed on you? Every comment you make to be held up to later scrutiny on how particularly helpful or brilliant it was? Don't judge people on the details of every conversation. Take them as a whole.
Last edited by Diana Holbrook; 10-17-2019 at 09:37 AM..
I think you need to keep your trap shut. Nothing good is going to come from you opening your mouth. I interpret her comment as more of a, "that sucks, but things could be worse." How helpful did you really expect her to be?
Wow, I think you are really overreacting. You asked for her help, she was attempting to help. Is there any possibility that her comment was not malicious or mean? Any chance at all that it was just an offhand remark, or perhaps intended to be helpful by providing perspective?
Think hard.
You are creating your own conflict and drama here so I suspect there is a backstory.
it's true - I already knew I couldn't go to her for helpful feedback.
"Hope springs eternal". I have to get that thru my head-- one should not look for help where it doesn't exist.
thanks..
What he said.
OTOH, now you know what a deprived and depraved childhood your SIL suffered through. I happen to recall my older relatives talking about "ice boxes" which kept food cold. Boxes with ice. Hard times. That's how it was. People didn't spend a lot of time whining and moaning about "OMG!!! When is Westinghouse going to invent a refrigerator!! OMG!!!"
SIL is another professional victim. Do not bug her and don't ask for anything useful and you won't be disappointed.
I invited her to help me make a decision about moving. I have a hard time making decisions and I wanted to lay out my options and get feed-back.
In the course of discussion, I talked about some serious problems where I live that do not get addressed by the landlord, as one reason to move.
Her response was, "In Germany (where she is from ) when I was a girl, we didn't have a frig."
I was stunned that someone would think that was a useful comment. I am very aware that probably 80% of the people in the world do not have the useful things I have, eg. electricity, shower, etc.
But if something is not working, something which we in America at least, take for granted, --the comment that she made is useless and ignorant imo.
I feel like she is saying, 'Buck up and take it.'
So at the time I didn't say anything, bec. unfortunately when I am stunned like I was, I just go blank.
Only later in thinking about it, did I think -- "That was a really unhelpful comment."
I feel this urge to share my feeling with my SIL.
But she is very sensitive, overly-sensitive, and I think my urge to share with her is probably wrong, and I should let it pass.
what do you think?
thank you in advance.
Yeah, pass up on that urge. People share like-experiences with others to convey empathy. Empathy is being helpful. If she's the type that always has one-up stories, well that's different.
Sometimes we just chat with other people. We don’t really hope for helpful feedback. Conversation is part of life.
SIL: “In Germany we didn’t even have a frige”
You: (laughing) “I know, right? We’ve gotten so spoiled, was expect a fridge, a toilet, even windows”.
SIL: Laughing, too.......
That’s how fun conversations go.
Haha, I used to live in a big South American city, and I was speaking to an older neighbor about the dead dogs left rotting on the street. She said, "Oh honey when I was a kid, it was the dead horses." We both laughed!
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