Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
So, there were no suggestions of how to get him to pay to get his house cleaned.
I know he would be happier in a clean house.
The house is not going to clean itself.
It is becoming a health hazard (which he would not be aware of).
It's just sad because it's really scummy (the messy cupboards and closets are not really the issue, although I see how the thinking works, re: denial).
So interesting that everyone is all about a person's "rights" to live anyway they want - yeah, he can continue to live this way, but it could impact his health (and his happiness) and he will never even be aware of the reason why.
Well then, ASK him if he would like some help, like I suggested. MAYBE if you voice it as non-judgemental concern for his well-being, he might be open to some help.
But you will have to do a better job of hiding your judgement, than you are doing here.
The person is old, but that has nothing to do with it, so I am posting here.
It's an ex - the power is out in some parts of California, so this ex was kind enough to allow me to come over and take a shower while he was staying elsewhere.
During a power outage a few years ago, I did the same thing (and had the same problem).
His house is FILTHY - the bathtub was black - since I noticed this before, I came prepared with cleaning supplies and bleach. A full bottle of bleach did not get rid of the black scum in the bottom of the tub.
Every surface was filthy. I had to clean counter space just to set my towel down.
You can't tell by simply visiting how filthy everything is - because there is a surface presentation that looks okay - it's just that everything is scummy and has a film and there is hair everywhere - and dirty towels set out on counters (visibly black).
This person is very nice guy and is very popular.
The last time I came to shower, several years ago, I was so distressed, that I convinced him to hire one of my friends to clean his house. She charged $100. I am thinking it would be more like $400 today. He needs at least 15 hours at $25 per hour . . .
I opened a closet (yeah, I am nosy and he knows it) and there was stuffed just jammed in there - his way of straightening up is to just open the closet and throw stuff in there. His office was piled with papers (has been retired for years).
He is a hypochondriac AND has had health issues (had stroke a few years ago and seems to have recovered 100%).
I say this has nothing to do with old age because I know this guy. He is a Nine on the Enneagram (which can be sluggish and in denial). He is very set in his ways and does the same things at the same times every day. He has always been like that.
So my question is how to motivate him to pay someone to clean his house. Because of his laziness and rigidity about doing the same thing every day (basically watching TV), it will be a struggle. He actually needs someone to go through every closet and drawer and just sort stuff out and throw some stuff away. It's not like a Hoarder's episode, but is unhealthy.
My motivation is to help him live in a healthier environment.
Is there anything you know of that could motivate a person like this?
The only thing I can suggest...which worked in an acquaintance's situation...is to see if over time he can redirect his compulsiveness in the opposite direction. To be very clean, very organized, extreme neat person, checking cleanliness and proper placement of objects is better than compulsion in the other direction. And, I'm told, can be satisfying when the person is ready to go in that opposite direction. I would say they'd still need some sort of counseling.
Status:
"Just livin' day by day"
(set 26 days ago)
Location: USA
3,166 posts, read 3,361,544 times
Reputation: 5382
My ex was like this as well. Trying to change him was like beating a dead horse. He had an excuse to keep everything even if it cluttered the room. You’re better off showering elsewhere. If your ex has a hoarding issues, it’s unlikely he’ll change especially if older. And hiring a maid service may not work.
Interesting user name - especially with that sort of posting.
You would only be nosy once in my house, opening my private stuff. I would kick you out and never let you come back.
He is so nice to let you shower - if you don't like what you see - go somewhere else. It's his filth, not your filth, and he can do in and with this filth whatever he pleases. Heck, he can take a bath in his filth and put a video online.
So, there were no suggestions of how to get him to pay to get his house cleaned.
I know he would be happier in a clean house.
The house is not going to clean itself.
It is becoming a health hazard (which he would not be aware of).
If he wants a clean home, then he'll clean it or have it cleaned. You can not force him to pay someone to clean it. If you really want his house cleaned, then you can offer it as a gift. Otherwise no, you should not sham him into paying a cleaning service.
Is there more to the story, why would he not be aware of health hazards in his own home?
MAYBE, you could kindly ASK him if he could use some help. "Hey Joe, I couldn't help but notice that the housework seems to be getting overwhelming for you. Could you use some help? There's no shame in needing help." And then see what he says.
If he's really your friend and you're really concerned about him, this ^^^ wouldn't be a bad approach but if he declines you need to let it go.
Is there more to the story, why would he not be aware of health hazards in his own home?
Agree. He must have visited other people's homes and seen how differently they are managed. He has made a choice that suits him for better or worse. His "radar" about cleanliness is obviously different. Tricking or cajoling him into getting the place cleaned will probably embarrass and humiliate him. I had a close relative who lived somewhat like that as he aged...not quite as bad, but it was enough to disgust me. Saying anything (even supposedly subtle or witty comments about the condition) just put them on the defensive and made them even more unwilling to do anything about it. They certainly were well aware of it. Defiance, defensiveness, and anger will ruin a relationship. Don't understand why you can't see that. The next time he kindly offers to accommodate you, turn him down. Maybe that will make an impression, but there will probably be unintended consequences.
Not your business nobody's business. Back off.
Last edited by Parnassia; 10-28-2019 at 03:08 PM..
I just suggested it was time to clean and that he would love the results. I guaranteed it would not cost more than $100 - and he trusted me.
Now, it will cost so much more, and I don't know if I can make the same argument. I am going to try. I don't want to hurt his feelings - I think I will tell him that I will coordinate it all for him and will arrange it for a time he will be visiting his friend.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
