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It's not about the relative differences in their incomes. It's about the OP's mother feeling guilty because she isn't able to contribute to their vacation. The advice that's been given here is spot on: let the mother pay for some specific event or activity, so that her contribution is obvious and tangible; and let the OP thank her profusely and show how much she enjoyed the activity, all while she's paying for most of the other expenses surreptitiously.
I like the idea of having the OP's mother pay for the Thanksgiving dinner. That's the big, special meal of the trip. Meanwhile, the OP picks up the check on all the other meals, each one of which is cheaper than the main meal, but put together is much more expensive.
No, it's not. That's just being thrown out there in an attempt to ease the guilty conscience of an extremely frugal person that is actually considering taking her poverty-stricken mother's life savings.
This thread is nothing short of reprehensible.
Quote:
Originally Posted by southkakkatlantan
$1000 would mean she has nothing left in her savings though...
Assuming full time employment (2000 hours per year):
Her income = 18k
Your income = 126k
And you feel it would be kind of nice to have a little bit of help?
Un-f'n-believable...
Yeah. It would be 'kinda' good. Not 'needed' but it would be nice. Don't you agree?
If you 'don't' agree you'd be saying having a little bit of help would be 'bad'. That wouldn't make any sense at all.
I flew a friend of a friend to Aruba last summer using up tons of points I could have used myself. Why? Because I knew they'd been taking care of their mom who had cancer and could use a vacation with my girlfriend and I who really wanted her to go so I made that happen without even knowing her. I flew my best friend from Dubai to Seychelles during my 40th birthday trip because I was happy she agreed to come on that trip with me so wanted to just take care of part of travel for her since I could. I have paid for accommodations in Hawaii for my mom, multiple trips to Miami and paid her bills for months during her 5-year stint of unemployment.
While out of town a few months ago I was sitting outside of a cafe, *totally* full from the breakfast I had eaten to the point where I couldn't finish it and it wouldn't be edible later. I was literally saying to myself "What will I do with these leftovers? It's so much still to eat and I simply can't throw this all away...I refuse to waste this but, [God], I simply can't eat another bite." At that EXACT moment a young man walked up to me and asked if I was going to finish my plate. Confused, I paused and he asked again. Then stated, "I know this is weird but I'm starving because I've been without employment and I would be so grateful to have that food if you're not going to finish it." I gave him my plate...and my credit card and told him he had $200 to purchase whatever food he wanted from inside that cafe. He literally ate my plate first in like 90 seconds flat, purchased some food to go but ended up after a long convo deciding he simply could not and would not spend the full amount I offered him so I let it go.
I think I'm a fairly generous person. My mom is a generous person. Maybe I get it from her. I have refused to let her pay for things for so long that, as mentioned, I had no idea she felt some kind of way about it until recently. You know what happened right after I returned from that trip where the hungry young man asked for my food? Right upon returning I received some unexpected cash that was almost as much as I had spent on him. My mom believes wholeheartedly that in order to receive in this world you have to give. Who am I to always take that away from her if she wants to give what she feels is a reasonable share?
I have lived a very independent life and I'm grateful for where I am today. Many thought based on things I've been through I was going to turn out way different for the worse but I have prevailed. I am so used to being 'the giver' I don't know what it's like not to be so yes, in having this thought I did have a bit of a positive reaction in just thinking about how it feels good sometimes to have someone that wants to give to you. Regardless of what I make, I have the absolute right to feel that a little giving to myself sometimes is actually not a horrible thing.
Last edited by southkakkatlantan; 11-06-2019 at 02:05 PM..
As much as you are feeling guilty, I think she is also feeling guilty that she hasn't paid in the past as she obviously saved this up the whole year. Either take a small amount from her or have her pay for a dinner out. You can give it back to her some other way such as a gift certificate to a local grocery store for a Christmas gift.
Yeah, I agree that it seems she is feeling guilty.
More than likely I will either choose for her to pay for Thanksgiving dinner or a couple of cheap lunches out. I think she would like to take the tab and give them her card for once. I do want to listen to her this time (she has been bringing up this topic of not liking that she has not contributed in the past for the past maybe year and a half now) and let her contribute in a way that is meaningful for (yet not detrimental to) her.
Well than my suggestion would be that since you are doing well for yourself, maybe make this her combined Christmas and birthday gift for the year, and you pick up the tab. Let her take the two of you out to a nice dinner in Miami, and let her keep the rest of the money she saved.
Yep; you're thinking along the same lines I am. As mentioned above^, I'm now leaning towards just letting her take care of one of the dinners.
Forget the nasty crack, OP. You are thinking this thing through and getting some good ideas.
By the way, have you ever taken your Mom to The Canoe in Atlanta?
I have not, however, she came here for Mothers Day yearrrrrrs ago and it was on my list. However we ended up at Bones that year instead. I do need to bring her here more, but she is actually not all that keen on coming here these days actually.
Maybe let her pay for Thanksgiving dinner out, while you cover everything else. You can say that it's your pleasure to be able to take this vacation and be able to include her but you can also make a big fuss about the special Thanksgiving dinner that she paid for and even though it's not half of the expense, you can still make it feel like it's half of the specialness of your time together.
I definitely wouldn't let her spend all the money though - just the 100 or so for dinner and then things she wants to get for herself.
It's not about the relative differences in their incomes. It's about the OP's mother feeling guilty because she isn't able to contribute to their vacation. The advice that's been given here is spot on: let the mother pay for some specific event or activity, so that her contribution is obvious and tangible; and let the OP thank her profusely and show how much she enjoyed the activity, all while she's paying for most of the other expenses surreptitiously.
I like the idea of having the OP's mother pay for the Thanksgiving dinner. That's the big, special meal of the trip. Meanwhile, the OP picks up the check on all the other meals, each one of which is cheaper than the main meal, but put together is much more expensive.
You (as well as 99.99% of the others in this thread) get it
I think I'd just tell her that she is your mom and it is your pleasure to have her come on the trip with you and that she doesn't need to worry about the money. Tell her it's a perk she gets for being your mom so you could get a good job. And that you'd feel more comfortable knowing she has a little pad for emergencies. Encourage her to keep saving too!
Let her pay for dinner so she can participate if she wishes.
Ditto. I would only let her pay for one meal, probably lunch, as it is cheaper.
No, it's not. That's just being thrown out there in an attempt to ease the guilty conscience of an extremely frugal person that is actually considering taking her poverty-stricken mother's life savings.
This thread is nothing short of reprehensible.
Lol.
I don't mind wearing the badge of "extreme frugality", however, I don't think I can accept that honor as the most frugal of the frugal probably would skip multiple Thanksgiving trips to Miami unless they were much closer to being free in cost. (For good examples of such types, check out Beat the Bush or Graham Stephan on Youtube, or some of the posters over on MrMoneyMustache.com by the way).
While out of town a few months ago I was sitting outside of a cafe, *totally* full from the breakfast I had eaten to the point where I couldn't finish it and it wouldn't be edible later. I was literally saying to myself "What will I do with these leftovers? It's so much still to eat and I simply can't throw this all away...I refuse to waste this but, [God], I simply can't eat another bite." At that EXACT moment a young man walked up to me and asked if I was going to finish my plate. Confused, I paused and he asked again. Then stated, "I know this is weird but I'm starving because I've been without employment and I would be so grateful to have that food if you're not going to finish it." I gave him my plate...and my credit card and told him he had $200 to purchase whatever food he wanted from inside that cafe. He literally ate my plate first in like 90 seconds flat, purchased some food to go but ended up after a long convo deciding he simply could not and would not spend the full amount I offered him so I let it go.
What's done is done, but something to think about for next time.
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