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I don’t think disclosing the religion is relevant for this thread. The religion is not the issue, it’s the approach taken towards it. Seeing them evolving from moderate to extremely conservative is enough of a gap. Any religion can be radical if interpreted in such way. It’s a bit irrelevant here.
I know my family and everything that’s happened during my childhood/teenage years. The abuse I’ve been subjected to etc...religion is only part of the issue. There’s a lot more to this than the religious aspect.
Build your own family. It's possible. I have friends that I spend holidays with since I am far away from my hometown. We check in with each other and support each other in difficult times.
You're still scared of your brother carrying stories back to your parents. Cut them off. Heck, cut your sister off too - she's not looking to escape but to pull you back in most likely. You fall apart at communications from them. They do not make you feel safe and happy. They are not a benefit to you and have been abusive. Let them go. I know it seems drastic, but there is a much freer and happier life awaiting you if you cut ties and build your own social circle.
It's NOT easy to do this, but it can be done. Hugs and good luck!
I guessed right when I said my brother was going to feed everything to my parents.
My parents tried to reach out to me via my sister. My sister sent me a message yesterday telling me my father wants to talk to me.
I didn't think much of it. I responded today asking whether he's in good health (thought perhaps he was having some issues) and what it was about. I was highly reluctant to responding, but I thought in case there's something with his health etc.. I'd regret it forever in case something happened.
Anyway, she said he needed money because he's having issues. It's extremely sad that I haven't spoken to him in close to 4 years and the first thing he asks is money. They don't now how I'm doing, nor did they express any interest in their daughter who did not speak to them for 4 years, but money seems interesting.
I do want to feel compassionate, I really do. However, asking me for money right away is not right and disappointing.
This is probably coming because my brother probably saw my Instagram with all my travels etc... and he relayed this to my parents. My Instagram was private and he wouldn't have seen anything if I hand't accepted his request. Strangely enough, them asking for money comes right after him having visibility over my instagram after 4 years of non contact.
I just feel like jumping off a cliff. If I give money, that will hurt me financially. If I don't I'll probably be damned.
Perhaps it's time to cut ties with all of them if my sister has become a vessel as well. I never allowed her to tell them she was communicating with me.
I guessed right when I said my brother was going to feed everything to my parents.
My parents tried to reach out to me via my sister. My sister sent me a message yesterday telling me my father wants to talk to me.
I didn't think much of it. I responded today asking whether he's in good health (thought perhaps he was having some issues) and what it was about. I was highly reluctant to responding, but I thought in case there's something with his health etc.. I'd regret it forever in case something happened.
Anyway, she said he needed money because he's having issues. It's extremely sad that I haven't spoken to him in close to 4 years and the first thing he asks is money. They don't now how I'm doing, nor did they express any interest in their daughter who did not speak to them for 4 years, but money seems interesting.
I do want to feel compassionate, I really do. However, asking me for money right away is not right and disappointing.
This is probably coming because my brother probably saw my Instagram with all my travels etc... and he relayed this to my parents. My Instagram was private and he wouldn't have seen anything if I hand't accepted his request. Strangely enough, them asking for money comes right after him having visibility over my instagram after 4 years of non contact.
I just feel like jumping off a cliff. If I give money, that will hurt me financially. If I don't I'll probably be damned.
Perhaps it's time to cut ties with all of them if my sister has become a vessel as well. I never allowed her to tell them she was communicating with me.
No you won't be damned, you'll be smart especially since you can't afford it. If you give him any money you will be opening the floodgates. There will be additional requests made for more money and pressure to return to the fold etc. He may even be looking down the road for a long-term caregiver. You can feel compassionate and still not give him anything. How disappointing for your that they didn't ask about you but honestly, it's not surprising from where I'm sitting.
If it were me, I'd block your brother on instagram and go back to your no contact mode for all members of your family. You need to protect yourself.
No you won't be damned, you'll be smart especially since you can't afford it. If you give him any money you will be opening the floodgates and there will be more requests for time, more money, pressure to return to the fold etc. You can feel compassionate and still not give him anything. How disappointing for your that they didn't ask about you but honestly, it's not surprising from where I'm sitting.
If it were me, I'd block your brother on instagram and go back to your no contact mode for all members of your family. You need to protect yourself.
I was thinking about this as well. If I am to give money, they will keep asking me for money all the time and all of my financial plans will be on "pause" status because all I will be doing is giving them money. I had about 5K in savings (from my own money) when I was in college and because my father was a signatory on my account, he took the full 5K for his personal use. I ended up in severe debt when I finished college with absolutely no cash to go to interviews etc... and he refused to give me money to attend interviews at the time. I struggled a lot when I finished college.
Three years ago, before I fully cut them off, I was in a sticky situation and asked for 200$. They refused when it could have helped me to move to another city for a permanent contract. Then two days later called me to tell me they bought my brother a car. I ended up figuring things out for myself and told them never to call me again.
When I left four years ago, they told me they were struggling. Now four years later, they still tell me the same thing. My brother graduated college and is making money as well. My sisters are still in high school. My dad has a job and makes great money. It's the same story over and over again. Why can't they ask my brother? His car alone is worth 3 months of my salary.
I just told my sister that I find it rather disappointing that my father is asking me for money after 4 years of no-contact. She said she doesn't agree and my father always thought of me. She said I'm the one who rejected them. When I said a lot of things hurt me in the past, she never responded to that and skipped that part.
However, to test it out, I asked her if she felt any consequences from this so-called "financial struggle" my father is talking about as in she can't buy school supplies, clothes or food. She said "no". This proves the whole claim is exaggerated.
My last response to her is: "I'm busy at the moment, I will have to think about it".
I probably won't respond any further as this will just re-open the drama where it was once left. I want a true family with an emotional support and the first question after 4 years of no contact is "Can you give me money?". They will never understand why I cut them off in the first place if they're still in the same mindset they were in 4 years ago. It proves they will never change.
They don't realize the amount of abuse they put me through and how much I wanted to have an emotional connection with my parents. They don't get it. I will have to delete my Instagram altogether if both my brother and sister are onto me now. I don't want to live my life off social media, but I know that whatever social media I will have, they will find it. My sister is probably the main vessel.
It was the first time in 4 years they wishes me a happy birthday via my sister or at all. Now, I know why. Instead of being happy that I am alive and healthy, they ask me for money. I've seen parents shed tears over their children getting in touch after a few years because they were so happy. I'm sure the last thing on these parents' mind was money.
I simply cannot understand how they can go from me not speaking to/seeing them in 4 years due to a severely broken relationship to sending me happy birthday wishes through my sister and asking me for money the following week? There was no phone call to reestablish contact nothing. They just sent me wishes through my sister on my birthday and this week, I get this email from my sister telling me my father is asking for money.
The logic would be to first try and repair the emotional bond between the parent and the child. Then once the re-establish a semi-normal relationship (which can take months or years), then at that stage, you can dare to make such requests and even so. This s baffling to me. They didn't even try to re-establish any bond.
Thankfully, they don't have my phone number or address.
Last edited by LostinPhilly; 11-22-2019 at 03:12 PM..
Do you know if your family are religious narcissists? My SO's done a lot of research & knows for a fact that his family are narcissists. He's cut off all contact w/ all 5 of them too.
Well, just be as content as possible. Life's too short not to!
I was thinking about this as well. If I am to give money, they will keep asking me for money all the time and all of my financial plans will be on "pause" status because all I will be doing is giving them money. I had about 5K in savings (from my own money) when I was in college and because my father was a signatory on my account, he took the full 5K for his personal use. I ended up in severe debt when I finished college with absolutely no cash to go to interviews etc... and he refused to give me money to attend interviews at the time. I struggled a lot when I finished college.
Three years ago, before I fully cut them off, I was in a sticky situation and asked for 200$. They refused when it could have helped me to move to another city for a permanent contract. Then two days later called me to tell me they bought my brother a car. I ended up figuring things out for myself and told them never to call me again.
When I left four years ago, they told me they were struggling. Now four years later, they still tell me the same thing. My brother graduated college and is making money as well. My sisters are still in high school. My dad has a job and makes great money. It's the same story over and over again. Why can't they ask my brother? His car alone is worth 3 months of my salary.
I just told my sister that I find it rather disappointing that my father is asking me for money after 4 years of no-contact. She said she doesn't agree and my father always thought of me. She said I'm the one who rejected them. When I said a lot of things hurt me in the past, she never responded to that and skipped that part.
However, to test it out, I asked her if she felt any consequences from this so-called "financial struggle" my father is talking about as in she can't buy school supplies, clothes or food. She said "no". This proves the whole claim is exaggerated.
My last response to her is: "I'm busy at the moment, I will have to think about it".
I probably won't respond any further as this will just re-open the drama where it was once left. I want a true family with an emotional support and the first question after 4 years of no contact is "Can you give me money?". They will never understand why I cut them off in the first place if they're still in the same mindset they were in 4 years ago. It proves they will never change.
They don't realize the amount of abuse they put me through and how much I wanted to have an emotional connection with my parents. They don't get it. I will have to delete my Instagram altogether if both my brother and sister are onto me now. I don't want to live my life off social media, but I know that whatever social media I will have, they will find it. My sister is probably the main vessel.
It was the first time in 4 years they wishes me a happy birthday via my sister or at all. Now, I know why. Instead of being happy that I am alive and healthy, they ask me for money. I've seen parents shed tears over their children getting in touch after a few years because they were so happy. I'm sure the last thing on these parents' mind was money.
I simply cannot understand how they can go from me not speaking to/seeing them in 4 years due to a severely broken relationship to sending me happy birthday wishes through my sister and asking me for money the following week? There was no phone call to reestablish contact nothing. They just sent me wishes through my sister on my birthday and this week, I get this email from my sister telling me my father is asking for money.
The logic would be to first try and repair the emotional bond between the parent and the child. Then once the re-establish a semi-normal relationship (which can take months or years), then at that stage, you can dare to make such requests and even so. This s baffling to me. They didn't even try to re-establish any bond.
Thankfully, they don't have my phone number or address.
Wow. Cut off instagram for now. Don't fall for their BS again. Asking for money after he wiped you out? Wow. You only mean dollar signs to them because they think you're living it up.
I was thinking about this as well. If I am to give money, they will keep asking me for money all the time and all of my financial plans will be on "pause" status because all I will be doing is giving them money. I had about 5K in savings (from my own money) when I was in college and because my father was a signatory on my account, he took the full 5K for his personal use. I ended up in severe debt when I finished college with absolutely no cash to go to interviews etc... and he refused to give me money to attend interviews at the time. I struggled a lot when I finished college.
Three years ago, before I fully cut them off, I was in a sticky situation and asked for 200$. They refused when it could have helped me to move to another city for a permanent contract. Then two days later called me to tell me they bought my brother a car. I ended up figuring things out for myself and told them never to call me again.
When I left four years ago, they told me they were struggling. Now four years later, they still tell me the same thing. My brother graduated college and is making money as well. My sisters are still in high school. My dad has a job and makes great money. It's the same story over and over again. Why can't they ask my brother? His car alone is worth 3 months of my salary.
I just told my sister that I find it rather disappointing that my father is asking me for money after 4 years of no-contact. She said she doesn't agree and my father always thought of me. She said I'm the one who rejected them. When I said a lot of things hurt me in the past, she never responded to that and skipped that part.
However, to test it out, I asked her if she felt any consequences from this so-called "financial struggle" my father is talking about as in she can't buy school supplies, clothes or food. She said "no". This proves the whole claim is exaggerated.
My last response to her is: "I'm busy at the moment, I will have to think about it".
I probably won't respond any further as this will just re-open the drama where it was once left. I want a true family with an emotional support and the first question after 4 years of no contact is "Can you give me money?". They will never understand why I cut them off in the first place if they're still in the same mindset they were in 4 years ago. It proves they will never change.
They don't realize the amount of abuse they put me through and how much I wanted to have an emotional connection with my parents. They don't get it. I will have to delete my Instagram altogether if both my brother and sister are onto me now. I don't want to live my life off social media, but I know that whatever social media I will have, they will find it. My sister is probably the main vessel.
It was the first time in 4 years they wishes me a happy birthday via my sister or at all. Now, I know why. Instead of being happy that I am alive and healthy, they ask me for money. I've seen parents shed tears over their children getting in touch after a few years because they were so happy. I'm sure the last thing on these parents' mind was money.
I simply cannot understand how they can go from me not speaking to/seeing them in 4 years due to a severely broken relationship to sending me happy birthday wishes through my sister and asking me for money the following week? There was no phone call to reestablish contact nothing. They just sent me wishes through my sister on my birthday and this week, I get this email from my sister telling me my father is asking for money.
The logic would be to first try and repair the emotional bond between the parent and the child. Then once the re-establish a semi-normal relationship (which can take months or years), then at that stage, you can dare to make such requests and even so. This s baffling to me. They didn't even try to re-establish any bond.
Thankfully, they don't have my phone number or address.
I only just now saw some of these details. OP, if they keep harassing you, you could suggest they ask your brother, as he's clearly in better financial shape than you. (You could do this in a letter, with or without the $20 "this is all I can afford" line mentioned above). That would make several points at once, including--that they have no leg to stand on with you. Your brother could probably trade in his 3-year-old car for a cheaper used model, and give them the money they need. This really isn't your problem.
I hope you've taken some strength from the responses here. If you can manage it financially, consider getting some counseling sessions to help you grieve the loss of the family connection you wish you had, that idealized dream, so you can move on with a clear conscience and no grief, no clinging to an image that will never become reality with these people.
Congrats on weathering this family experience (since childhood) with your mental health intact, and a roof over your head. You'll do ok, once you put these clods behind you. Best wishes!
Don't give them money - they will come back for more. And more. And whenever you put a stop to it, if it is now or $10k later - you will be the bad guy anyway.
Congratulations on getting out of that family. Now keep it that way. You seem very smart and put together. Don't let them take away what you have worked for, money and self esteem. You are strong!
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