29th Birthday Tears - Family Trying to re-establish contact

[LostinPhilly]

Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth

I only just now saw some of these details. OP, if they keep harassing you, you could suggest they ask your brother, as he's clearly in better financial shape than you. (You could do this in a letter, with or without the $20 "this is all I can afford" line mentioned above). That would make several points at once, including--that they have no leg to stand on with you. Your brother could probably trade in his 3-year-old car for a cheaper used model, and give them the money they need. This really isn't your problem.

I hope you've taken some strength from the responses here. If you can manage it financially, consider getting some counseling sessions to help you grieve the loss of the family connection you wish you had, that idealized dream, so you can move on with a clear conscience and no grief, no clinging to an image that will never become reality with these people.

Congrats on weathering this family experience (since childhood) with your mental health intact, and a roof over your head. You'll do ok, once you put these clods behind you. Best wishes!

Thank you, Ruth!

My brother still lives under their roof and earns money (has his own "company") yet his car was paid for by my father. He's going to community college (free where they live) and is getting significant grants (same ones I got). He doesn't know the meaning of "financial responsibilities" as he seemingly has none. I'd be surprised if he were have the same speech in 5 or 10 years down the line when he is married with children or bills of his own. Why are they not draining his accounts then? He's a boy.

I don't see how this is even remotely his business in any shape or form for him to get involved and harass me the way he did.

I probably will not write a letter as I certainly do not want them to think I am trying to re-establish contact out of fear or guilt. A letter may be interpreted the wrong way. It's best for me to digest what happened and close that door for good. It's now a matter of grieving the family bond that never existed in the first place and make sure I always set higher standards for how I treat myself and others. This has taught me a lesson of self-respect, trust and empowerement.

My response to their request was thoughtful and heartfelt. Theirs was meant to sting. We're now operating on the same wavelength and never will. It's is not my fight to fight anymore.

[Purplehaired]

Originally Posted by LostinPhilly

I just responded: "Thank you for the birthday wishes. That's very nice of you. Time flies, thinking of you guys. Take care". It's true that I do think of them. They're my immediate family, so you cannot be completely indifferent, but that's about it. You can love people from a distance.

I left it at that. I didn't respond to the "hope you come back piece". I'll probably limit the visibility of my posts moving forward. For some reason, I just don't feel comfortable.

Congratulations!!!! And a very happy belated birthdeay to you . You have successfully achieved what it has taken many persons, many decades of therapy to do. Realize that sometimes those we are genetically related to, are simply too toxic to our “self” to allow any true closeness.

Keep on just the way you are, choose winners to be in your closest circle. Nothing can replace that which our “family” should be to us, but making the right choices of who to let into your life, rewards you with a good life with the best chances of a long term happy outcome.

[Roselvr]

Originally Posted by LostinPhilly

Thank you, Ruth!

My brother still lives under their roof and earns money (has his own "company") yet his car was paid for by my father. He's going to community college (free where they live) and is getting significant grants (same ones I got). He doesn't know the meaning of "financial responsibilities" as he seemingly has none. I'd be surprised if he were have the same speech in 5 or 10 years down the line when he is married with children or bills of his own. Why are they not draining his accounts then? He's a boy.

Maybe they're not looking to him because he's a boy or because they don't feel his "company" brings in much money. Who knows? I seriously doubt he would say yes to helping them down the line unless he's seriously guilted into it...

Originally Posted by LostinPhilly

I don't see how this is even remotely his business in any shape or form for him to get involved and harass me the way he did.

You're right, it's not his business

Originally Posted by LostinPhilly

I probably will not write a letter as I certainly do not want them to think I am trying to re-establish contact out of fear or guilt. A letter may be interpreted the wrong way. It's best for me to digest what happened and close that door for good. It's now a matter of grieving the family bond that never existed in the first place and make sure I always set higher standards for how I treat myself and others. This has taught me a lesson of self-respect, trust and empowerement.

My response to their request was thoughtful and heartfelt. Theirs was meant to sting. We're now operating on the same wavelength and never will. It's is not my fight to fight anymore.

I'm glad writing the 2 threads helped you to realize that they're leeches and to move on by yourself like me and others have had to do. Was it painful? sure, at times. I made the mistake of getting close again in my late 30's. True to form that blew up in my face when my dad got cancer. They were jealous that I was his favorite even though he knew I may not be his kid. We did DNA 2 hours before he passed, it came back I am his kid. They accused me of forging the DNA Diagnostics results on my computer. One leaves me alone, another harasses me for the last 14 years... I ignore it for now...