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I posted a couple of threads in the past regarding my immediate family which at the time was toxic, abusive and was going down a conservative/religious route which I didn't feel comfortable in.
Fast forward, I moved abroad and ceased contact with all of them due to how much pain I had gone through since my younger years. My little sister of 15 re-established contact with me back in 2017 and we've been talking ever since.
All was fine until a few months ago when my sister announced she was leaning towards a more conservative religious affiliation. Until then, she had been living like a normal teenager, but then something happened and she changed. I'm not sure what happened exactly.
Suddenly, I get an Instagram follow request from my brother who is 7 years younger than I am. He's probably the most conservative out of all the bunch. He often judged me for my beliefs, way of dressing etc.. It's been 4 years since we last spoke, so I thought, sure I'd accept him in my followers. Then, he sent me a message for my birthday today (starting with a religious greeting) to wish me a happy birthday and told me my family misses me and hopes I'll someday come back.
I'm now getting a lot of anxiety from this. Although I appreciate the gesture, I don't feel comfortable having him follow me on Instagram due to our different lifestyles. Secondly, I went through a lot of pain (a lot of pain with my family), so the sentence "hope you come back someday" triggers a lot of anxiety. I worked so hard to build my identity, I'm really scared of falling back into the trap of fearing my family's judgment.
Aside form my little sister, I haven't spoken to anyone in close to 4 years. Can I really trust that they have changed this much?
Today is my 29th birthday and here I am crying out of anxiety instead of being my happy bubbly self.
If it were me I'd just respond "thanks for the birthday wishes" to your brother and nothing else. I certainly wouldn't respond to the hope you come back part. I would not let him follow you on any social media.
Unless they have totally rejected their previous beliefs and it doesn't sound like they have, I can't imagine they have changed. I wouldn't try to reestablish contact. It sounds like maybe they think they have drawn your younger sister back into their way of thinking and that it may be an opportunity to do the same with you.
OR
you could just not respond to your brother at all. If you're having anxiety from this amount of contact, it doesn't sound like having more contact with them will be a good thing for you.
If it were me I'd just respond "thanks for the birthday wishes" to your brother and nothing else. I certainly wouldn't respond to the hope you come back part. I would not let him follow you on any social media.
Unless they have totally rejected their previous beliefs and it doesn't sound like they have, I can't imagine they have changed. I wouldn't try to reestablish contact. It sounds like maybe they think they have drawn your younger sister back into their way of thinking and that it may be an opportunity to do the same with you.
OR
you could just not respond to your brother at all. If you're having anxiety from this amount of contact, it doesn't sound like having more contact with them will be a good thing for you.
I just responded: "Thank you for the birthday wishes. That's very nice of you. Time flies, thinking of you guys. Take care". It's true that I do think of them. They're my immediate family, so you cannot be completely indifferent, but that's about it. You can love people from a distance.
I left it at that. I didn't respond to the "hope you come back piece". I'll probably limit the visibility of my posts moving forward. For some reason, I just don't feel comfortable.
If you are almost 29, that would make your brother 21 or 22, meaning the last time you spoke was probably when he was 17. Yeah, he is going to rip on your dress and way of life because he was a teenager and quite frankly, that is what teens do. They are judgy mcjudgersons. You can’t expect them to act like fully formed adults because they are not. He might still have certain religious beliefs, but I would expect that he has likely matured and become an adult in the past 4 years.
Then, he sent me a message for my birthday today (starting with a religious greeting) to wish me a happy birthday and told me my family misses me and hopes I'll someday come back.
From that, I read that your family still cares for you. It sounds like an honest statement not intended to hurt.
Perhaps you should return the honesty but in a way that is not intended to hurt them.
Example:
You could say you miss the family too and you wish it it was possible to return. But it isn’t. You’ve chosen a different path in life and you know your family cannot accept it. That clash/criticism has brought a lot of pain in the past so it’s best for everyone if you just stay away. You wish you could just be accepted as you are but you know that’s a big ask from their point of view. Then end by saying, “I wish you well.”
I just responded: "Thank you for the birthday wishes. That's very nice of you. Time flies, thinking of you guys. Take care"..
That's the perfect response! You kept it cordial and didn't go into all that emotional drama. Continue to keep your interaction minimum and superficial with them and don't worry so much about it.
Honestly I think you're overreacting. Because you truly handled this very well with your response and there no reason for any further anxiety. You're not even on the same continent as them anymore so these periodic communications are no big deal. And if any of them give you a hard time again in the future, you can just say, Thanks for your input, I'll take it under advisement - and then don't reply again. It would be way more difficult if they lived closer to you. But they're literally an ocean away so there's no reason for concern at this point.
I posted a couple of threads in the past regarding my immediate family which at the time was toxic, abusive and was going down a conservative/religious route which I didn't feel comfortable in.
Fast forward, I moved abroad and ceased contact with all of them due to how much pain I had gone through since my younger years. My little sister of 15 re-established contact with me back in 2017 and we've been talking ever since.
All was fine until a few months ago when my sister announced she was leaning towards a more conservative religious affiliation. Until then, she had been living like a normal teenager, but then something happened and she changed. I'm not sure what happened exactly.
Suddenly, I get an Instagram follow request from my brother who is 7 years younger than I am. He's probably the most conservative out of all the bunch. He often judged me for my beliefs, way of dressing etc.. It's been 4 years since we last spoke, so I thought, sure I'd accept him in my followers. Then, he sent me a message for my birthday today (starting with a religious greeting) to wish me a happy birthday and told me my family misses me and hopes I'll someday come back.
I'm now getting a lot of anxiety from this. Although I appreciate the gesture, I don't feel comfortable having him follow me on Instagram due to our different lifestyles. Secondly, I went through a lot of pain (a lot of pain with my family), so the sentence "hope you come back someday" triggers a lot of anxiety. I worked so hard to build my identity, I'm really scared of falling back into the trap of fearing my family's judgment.
Aside form my little sister, I haven't spoken to anyone in close to 4 years. Can I really trust that they have changed this much?
Today is my 29th birthday and here I am crying out of anxiety instead of being my happy bubbly self.
What should I do?
Thanks.
I don't think you're overreacting. The anxiety indicates IMO that you still need to work to resolve the issue within yourself. Have you sought therapy?
When you talk about "change"... I'm not sure what you're thinking of. I'm hoping you're not fostering some fantasy where they realize they were wrong and worked on improving themselves to be easier for you to handle. I'm sure your brother was quite sincere in his hope. That's all it really is.
From that, I read that your family still cares for you. It sounds like an honest statement not intended to hurt.
Perhaps you should return the honesty but in a way that is not intended to hurt them.
Example:
You could say you miss the family too and you wish it it was possible to return. But it isn’t. You’ve chosen a different path in life and you know your family cannot accept it. That clash/criticism has brought a lot of pain in the past so it’s best for everyone if you just stay away. You wish you could just be accepted as you are but you know that’s a big ask from their point of view. Then end by saying, “I wish you well.”
Good reply. If the brother messages something back, the OP may need to reply with something a little more involved and what you wrote fits good.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LostinPhilly
Hi all,
I posted a couple of threads in the past regarding my immediate family which at the time was toxic, abusive and was going down a conservative/religious route which I didn't feel comfortable in.
Fast forward, I moved abroad and ceased contact with all of them due to how much pain I had gone through since my younger years. My little sister of 15 re-established contact with me back in 2017 and we've been talking ever since.
All was fine until a few months ago when my sister announced she was leaning towards a more conservative religious affiliation. Until then, she had been living like a normal teenager, but then something happened and she changed. I'm not sure what happened exactly.
Suddenly, I get an Instagram follow request from my brother who is 7 years younger than I am. He's probably the most conservative out of all the bunch. He often judged me for my beliefs, way of dressing etc.. It's been 4 years since we last spoke, so I thought, sure I'd accept him in my followers. Then, he sent me a message for my birthday today (starting with a religious greeting) to wish me a happy birthday and told me my family misses me and hopes I'll someday come back.
I'm now getting a lot of anxiety from this. Although I appreciate the gesture, I don't feel comfortable having him follow me on Instagram due to our different lifestyles. Secondly, I went through a lot of pain (a lot of pain with my family), so the sentence "hope you come back someday" triggers a lot of anxiety. I worked so hard to build my identity, I'm really scared of falling back into the trap of fearing my family's judgment.
Aside form my little sister, I haven't spoken to anyone in close to 4 years. Can I really trust that they have changed this much?
Today is my 29th birthday and here I am crying out of anxiety instead of being my happy bubbly self.
What should I do?
Thanks.
I highly doubt they would accept you for who you are and what religion (if any) you choose to follow. I haven't spoken to my family since 2006 when my father died and do enjoy no drama.
In the end, my brother never responded to my message. I had actually removed myself from his list of followers and remove him from mine after sending him the message. We never followed each other when we were in touch, so I don't see the purpose now, especially as he'd be judging my lifestyle and feeding stories to my parents. I don't want to feel restricted in what I'm posting because I'm afraid he thinks/will tell my parents. I feel more comfortable with the idea of us not following one another for some reason.
In my eyes, the anxiety I had is the reflection of the numerous anxiety attacks/anger episodes I had when they were an active part of my life. I remember having these incredibly intense physical reactions & being triggered that intensely by their words/actions due to the amount of abuse I had experienced with them. It was obviously a subconscious reaction which has turned into an automatic physical reaction.
I really wish I could say my family has changed and my brother matured, but I'm not entirely sure this is the case. By just relying on his Instagram profile & greeting when he sent me his message, it doesn't seem to be the case. Plus, my sister radically changed within a few months going from a typical teenager to a recluse who doesn't want to have friends and following radical preachers on Instagram. She even changed her entire attire. I refuse to go down the route where I will claim they are radical people because I don't want to feed into the "stereotypes", but knowing what my family had turned into before I ceased contact, I would not be surprised if their religious views had gotten even more radical.
I'm not entirely sure where my brother found my Instagram profile, but I reckon his requested to access my little sister's phone (as he probably is under the impression he is the man of the house) and he probably took my information from there.
To be honest, even though he is my brother and I wish him all the very best, something about him reaching out/following me made me feel incredibly uneasy and anxious. To me, it felt as though he was trying to re-establish contact for me to follow their path and try to get me to follow the lifestyle they want me to follow.
I think he was way too forthcoming when he reached out to me. The religous greeting (he knows I don't even speak like this) & the "hope you come back home someday" are too much in an email to someone you haven't spoken to in 4 years. I would not have phrased my email like this, personally.
As I said, I still care for my family and wish them all the very best. Unfortunately, I don't feel comfortable with the voluntary brainwashing they decided to partake in (all this because of one of my parents chose to step outside their vows for a momentary experience). They used radical religious affiliations to counteract which is their business, but they should not impose this on others. I can still remember all I went through as a child, teenager and as an adult..more specifically the couple of months leading to me ceasing contact. Those were traumatizing events I do not wish on anyone. Suicide was a daily thought and several attempts took place. The relationships were a battlefield. My behavior became irrational and I started losing my mind. I was constantly depressed due to the amount of pressure, judgment, abuse and humiliation I was subjected to as a grown adult. It was happening on a daily basis to the point where I was in a constant anxious/hysterical state at the time. My mental health was significantly impacted. I do not care to remember what happened, but this is what led to me ceasing contact and to the anxiety triggered by my brother's email.
People think I'm this happy-go-lucky person who tries to have it all together, but they have no idea of the true story behind this. Ever since cutting ties with them, I've rebuilt my identity. I hadn't had an anxiety attack like the one I had yesterday since the last time I spoke to them. It's sad, but it's a reality.
No one wants to be alone with no family for support, but sometimes, you have to protect yourself from the pain. You can love people by remaining far from them. Perhaps the day I have a family of my own, I will be able to have the family I had hoped for. Sometimes I think that if I had stayed in touch, maybe they wouldn't have gone down such a radical avenue, bit it's difficult to imagine. I'm just hoping that one day, they will come back to their senses.
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