Are you the sibling who doesn't help out with Mom and Dad?

[katharsis]

Lynn and Terry -- Thank you both so much!!

[SundayADX]

Originally Posted by septembria

The reason I'm not asking this in the Caregiving forum is that you probably never look in on that one.

I guess I'm just curious to know what you tell yourselves, how you see the situation: Mom and/or Dad is sick, dying or needs extra care, and somebody else is taking care of it. You must, on some level, see this situation as OK, because you never really offer much help and you aren't there to help. Your sibling is spending maybe 75% or more of their time caring for your parent, while you are spending far less of your time and/or money. Is there some specific reason why you think it's OK to let one of your sisters or brothers (usually it's your sister) do the majority of the work and take most or all of the responsibility for looking after your parent? Are you aware of just how much that person is doing for your parent financially or on a day-to-day basis?

If you're too busy, why specifically are you too busy to help out more?

I guess I'm just trying to understand what your life is like, what your inner justifications are for this, how you think you are helping, or why you think you have helped enough already.

Just curious. (I'm not here to start arguments, just would like to hear from the kids who aren't helping to care for their parents or have let someone else take the lead.)

I would tend to think maybe attachment type to the parent and sibling would drive this, mostly...the outward would then appear to be either not caring (if one doesn't have a healthy attachment to the parent) or on the other side taking everything on (possibly healthy attachment to the parent, but maybe also unhealthy sibling attachments).

Then, a breakdown in communication.

Could also be finances....... Or distance........ Other responsibilities (I realize this doesn't sound nice, but we all have different ones)...

Or, maybe an inability or denial to see how the parents are changing, and so a sort or psychological self-protecting from feeling of sadness or helplessness (sometimes people that feel helpless also have a hard time putting that feeling into helpful action, and actually find themselves paralyzed).......... Could be that they feel inadequate in what they can give and so hold back anything at all.


I feel very guilty that I am a thousand miles away from my family as my parents are only getting older. I've spoken to my siblings and parents about this. They know my feelings and realistically how much I will be able to help, even though I will want to do much more when the time comes. This is no way means that I care about my parents less now that I am farther away--- in fact, when I lived just as close to them as my siblings, I did the most for them... so I tend to worry how well they are considered now that I had to move so far away. As a result of this, actually, my parents and siblings know that if my parents are willing to move, because I will not be able to, they will have much more attention if they come to me when the time comes that they require more help.


A lot of us are not good at being vulnerable (myself included!), but the ability to do so can smooth things out, at least maybe a little bit, if both parties can be honest and listen. Tough situation... Good luck.

[Three Wolves In Snow]

Originally Posted by septembria

The reason I'm not asking this in the Caregiving forum is that you probably never look in on that one.

I guess I'm just curious to know what you tell yourselves, how you see the situation: Mom and/or Dad is sick, dying or needs extra care, and somebody else is taking care of it. You must, on some level, see this situation as OK, because you never really offer much help and you aren't there to help. Your sibling is spending maybe 75% or more of their time caring for your parent, while you are spending far less of your time and/or money. Is there some specific reason why you think it's OK to let one of your sisters or brothers (usually it's your sister) do the majority of the work and take most or all of the responsibility for looking after your parent? Are you aware of just how much that person is doing for your parent financially or on a day-to-day basis?

If you're too busy, why specifically are you too busy to help out more?

I guess I'm just trying to understand what your life is like, what your inner justifications are for this, how you think you are helping, or why you think you have helped enough already.

Just curious. (I'm not here to start arguments, just would like to hear from the kids who aren't helping to care for their parents or have let someone else take the lead.)

For me, the reason I don't do anything, nothing at all, to help them out is because:

a) they live right down the street, mere houses down, from my older brother. Growing up, he got everything. He was babied, he was allowed to do whatever he wanted, if he got mad at one of us, his siblings, to the point that he would punch us, they said it was our fault, he was never held accountable for a thing. They paid for his school, they bought him a truck, they gave him everything, and now they live near him. If they want help, they can get it from their golden child. Even my younger brother doesn't want much at all to do with them, although he will at least still visit once in a very blue moon.

b) I asked them for help 2 times in my entire adult life. Both times, they put on ridiculous conditions - I don't mean normal conditions that one may see a parent doing, I mean absurd conditions where essentially I was treated like a client and not one of their children.

c) They don't even know where I am, that's how much they don't care.

You bet it's perfectly acceptable to me to let the older sibling do it all.