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Well, that's a fair answer, so it just seems like a case of "last one out is a rotten egg"? Because the sibling who is expected to care for the parent often has these very same problems.
Why is further conversation on this state of affairs often not something that the non-custodial sibling is open to? Because honestly, every adult has problems of this nature. We all have obligations beyond the parent. I feel like there's some other factor at play that is along the lines of "Because I don't want to and you can't make me, that's why."
The notion that someone else in the family is being "difficult" is universal and subjective; the amount of services being provided by the custodial sibling is measurable, quantifiable and objective.
This would be my sister. Despite living within a couple mile radius (closer by far than the other siblings), my mother being the babysitter for her children, giving her and her husband a large loan (that went unpaid) so they could buy a nice home and otherwise having a good relationship with my sister, her husband and children, she did no caregiving. She was a no show at family meetings to discuss healthcare/caregiving arrangements.
The coupe de grace was a day my Dad was under home hospice care, close to death and my other sister and I took round the clock shifts being with him and my mother. She and her husband show up at 9:00 p.m. with a doggy bag as they had been out dining at a restaurant and thought they would drop by.
I know you are searching for other answers but since you might not hear from the "because I don't want to and you can't make me" siblings, I thought I would share.
This brings up lots of memories. I really don't think anyone is ever surprised by what sibling refuses to help. They are the ones that show up on holidays minutes before the meal. Never early enough to help. They are the ones that buy gifts that they think you should want, not what you do want or could use. There are always signs.
I don't accept many excuses from people that say they can't help. Family Leave is a thing. Don't tell me you can't afford it.
Can't handle it emotionally? It's time to grow up. Hated your spouse? Well you divorced him 12 years ago so I guess they were right. Live far away. Ok, when can we expect your checks? Leave and cleave? You haven't been in a church in 43 years.
I'm an only child, so there are no siblings to help with my father as dementia slowly steals him from me. But yeah, I think a bad relationship with the ill parent is probably the root of this most of the time. I'm taking care of my dad by overseeing his care and estate. We had a good (often difficult) relationship before he became ill, and we still have a good one now that he's losing his mind. The doctors who interact with us are usually laughing hysterically the entire time at the way we cheerfully snipe at each other and make jokes about his failing memory. ("Jrz, I forget. I have dementia, you know.")
My mother was a nightmare and subtly abusive my entire life. As soon as I confronted her (at the age of 40), she dropped me like a hot rock and I'm happy she is no longer in my life. Her health isn't great, but I'm not going near her ever again. If she needs a caregiver, it won't be me. And for their sakes, I really hope none of my family members get snookered into stepping in.
And yeah, I'm sure there are a bunch of narcissists out there who don't want to bother with the often brutal task of caregiving, but I'm sure just as many of those dodging siblings are perfectly nice people who may be emotionally stunted and terrified of facing their parent's mortality or just burdened by chaotic lives.
This brings up lots of memories. I really don't think anyone is ever surprised by what sibling refuses to help. They are the ones that show up on holidays minutes before the meal. Never early enough to help. They are the ones that buy gifts that they think you should want, not what you do want or could use. There are always signs.
I don't accept many excuses from people that say they can't help. Family Leave is a thing. Don't tell me you can't afford it.
Can't handle it emotionally? It's time to grow up. Hated your spouse? Well you divorced him 12 years ago so I guess they were right. Live far away. Ok, when can we expect your checks? Leave and cleave? You haven't been in a church in 43 years.
Nail on the head!
My sister has never wanted to help with anything at our family gatherings, she has to rush off. The most interesting one is that my dad rented a beach house in 2016 and 2018 for the families to come and have an oceanfront place and a nice vacation. Both times my sister had to leave a day early because of "work" commitments. That meant everyone else had to clean up the house and get it ready for check out. We aren't doing any more family vacations.
She actually saw a therapist many years ago and then announced at Thanksgiving that the therapist told her she did too much for her family and she needed to stop. We all looked at her with a WTF look on our faces. We all did for her, she did nothing for us. That's when I realized she was a narcissist.
The reason I'm not asking this in the Caregiving forum is that you probably never look in on that one.
I guess I'm just curious to know what you tell yourselves, how you see the situation: Mom and/or Dad is sick, dying or needs extra care, and somebody else is taking care of it. You must, on some level, see this situation as OK, because you never really offer much help and you aren't there to help. Your sibling is spending maybe 75% or more of their time caring for your parent, while you are spending far less of your time and/or money. Is there some specific reason why you think it's OK to let one of your sisters or brothers (usually it's your sister) do the majority of the work and take most or all of the responsibility for looking after your parent? Are you aware of just how much that person is doing for your parent financially or on a day-to-day basis?
If you're too busy, why specifically are you too busy to help out more?
I guess I'm just trying to understand what your life is like, what your inner justifications are for this, how you think you are helping, or why you think you have helped enough already.
Just curious. (I'm not here to start arguments, just would like to hear from the kids who aren't helping to care for their parents or have let someone else take the lead.)
Every family has different dynamics. In my family, one sibling took lead regarding care simply because he was around more, he was paid to look after the acreage. He was very territorial about letting anyone help. I brought in home care and he was not happy, but he could not refuse the health care service for someone who wanted to die at home. Home care intervened to ensure that the rest of us could help. That's probably not the usual scenario, but most other families I know transfer a parent with health care needs to a residence where that service is provided.
Unless the parent has been adamant about dying at home, why do people keep their dying parents at home and squabble about lack of help from siblings?
I was the only one of 3 that helped my mom take care of my dad for 14 years. After he died I had to take a job across the country when I lost mine. When my mom needed help they helped her living close by and I flew across the country many times to take my turn. My sister repeatedly said she wished I still was local. Of course she did because then they would have done nothing.
That would be my sister who lives 9 miles away and works about 4-5 miles away from mom who is disabled and needs assistance to run local errands, such as a ride to the grocery store, pharmacy, post office.
Yet, I live an hour or so away, still schedule and takes her to doctor appointments, etc.
It’s hard to not make assumptions when you’re not in the other person shoes. My sister sent me a nasty note because she didn’t think I was doing enough for my mom. Not realizing that my husband was living in another state, I was working six days a week 13 hour days, and we were too broke at the time to go on the trip to visit my mom.
My mom knew all of this, I talk to her three times a day. And she was completely supportive of me.
I'm one of 6 siblings, our mother is 93, and we all do what we can. Some can do more than others, we don't keep score. For many years I lived the closest, 200 miles away. I went up every 6 weeks to visit and run errands. When my youngest left home, I went back to work full time, and my brother moved near me, so he began the regular visits. Three of my siblings are unmarried, they may only make the 14 hour drive twice a year, but they stay for several days and let the live-in caregiver take time off. My mother requires full time care, so the limited time they are there means getting up with her at night, showering and dressing her, and seeing to her medical needs. The last sibling plans to move our mother into his home sometime next year. We may have our differences in some areas, but when it comes to our mother, we appreciate the efforts each one of us makes. And, as I said, we don't keep score.
Every family has different dynamics. In my family, one sibling took lead regarding care simply because he was around more, he was paid to look after the acreage. He was very territorial about letting anyone help. I brought in home care and he was not happy, but he could not refuse the health care service for someone who wanted to die at home. Home care intervened to ensure that the rest of us could help. That's probably not the usual scenario, but most other families I know transfer a parent with health care needs to a residence where that service is provided.
Unless the parent has been adamant about dying at home, why do people keep their dying parents at home and squabble about lack of help from siblings?
Um...cost?
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