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The reason I'm not asking this in the Caregiving forum is that you probably never look in on that one.
I guess I'm just curious to know what you tell yourselves, how you see the situation: Mom and/or Dad is sick, dying or needs extra care, and somebody else is taking care of it. You must, on some level, see this situation as OK, because you never really offer much help and you aren't there to help. Your sibling is spending maybe 75% or more of their time caring for your parent, while you are spending far less of your time and/or money. Is there some specific reason why you think it's OK to let one of your sisters or brothers (usually it's your sister) do the majority of the work and take most or all of the responsibility for looking after your parent? Are you aware of just how much that person is doing for your parent financially or on a day-to-day basis?
If you're too busy, why specifically are you too busy to help out more?
I guess I'm just trying to understand what your life is like, what your inner justifications are for this, how you think you are helping, or why you think you have helped enough already.
Just curious. (I'm not here to start arguments, just would like to hear from the kids who aren't helping to care for their parents or have let someone else take the lead.)
If I visit, but don't really practically help, am I helping or am I not?
Other people also care, maybe they care less, maybe they care more.
Why is this important to know?
Did you ask for help and got turned down?
Why are you comparing how much help you are giving? Is someone making you take care of them?
And now to answer your question>
The times that I didn't help my parents with housework or something like that, was either cause they didn't ask, or because they wanted to do stuff in a specific way or time.
I also don't really enjoy physical work, and I always try to help with anything other than physical labor. I'm sure that is also part of the reason.
Fluffy,
You do not know my siblings, their situation or their motivations. Money is not the motivator for them nor for me. For all the faults of my parents, they raised offspring who are all very very successful and in stable and long marriages. Some are successful doctors who provide medical advice/entry to specialists and some are lawyers who provide excellent legal and financial support. No one provides money because everyone has plenty. Everyone does what they feel obligated to do and we all feel different about our obligations.
They deserve any inheritance more than me because they do the care taking.
Adult grandchildren are starting to take on some of the work. They have yet a different (better) relationship. Virtue is not its own reward but we all have to be ok with our choices.
And yet, you said:
Quote:
They are resentful but I hope I’ve done a good job explaining why I don’t help because I care and love my sibs very much.
It doesn't sound like everything is peaches and cream in foodyum-land.
And I have never met a wealthy person who didn't want more money, so there's that.
If I visit, but don't really practically help, am I helping or am I not?
Other people also care, maybe they care less, maybe they care more.
Why is this important to know?
Did you ask for help and got turned down?
Why are you comparing how much help you are giving? Is someone making you take care of them?
And now to answer your question>
The times that I didn't help my parents with housework or something like that, was either cause they didn't ask, or because they wanted to do stuff in a specific way or time.
I also don't really enjoy physical work, and I always try to help with anything other than physical labor. I'm sure that is also part of the reason.
From my point of view, as the only source of emotional support/entertainment for my elderly dad, I would say a visit would definitely be considered helping. A huge part of what makes my role a burden is that my dad has no one else in his life who spends time with him going out to dinner or listening to his problems or his stories for the 100th time. Just having someone else visit would be huge for me as maybe he wouldn't be so needy and depressed.
It doesn't sound like everything is peaches and cream in foodyum-land.
And I have never met a wealthy person who didn't want more money, so there's that.
Who said everything is peaches and cream? Although I am happy with my choices and my life on the whole.
I’ll shake your cyber hand so you can say you have met someone who didn’t want more money under these circumstances. Not needing money provided the advantage of not having to do something you really don’t want to do. I’m lucky for sure.
I have a brother who was COMPLETELY DISENGAGED while I was in the trenches with both our parents. I mean, he visited TWICE in about three years - for an afternoon. DID NOTHING. He didn't even pick up the stuff I WAS STORING FOR HIM, even though he was visiting in a truck and had room - till finally I told him "I am just not going to store this stuff for you anymore so you better come get it," and he finally did. He lives about six hours away. I get that that is a chunk of a drive, but he doesn't have a family at all (he's single, no kids, in his late 40s) and let's just say he has a very flexible work schedule. VERY flexible.
When our middle brother passed away a few months ago, not only did this brother not go to the funeral, he didn't even SIGN THE ONLINE OBITUARY OR SEND A CARD. Then he called me and wanted ME to call our brother's WIDOW and ask for her to send him some military stuff our dad had given our brother. Errrr, no. Tell you what - YOU call her - three months after our brother suffered and died of pancreatic cancer and you never called one time during all that - and tell her you want her to go through that stuff, package it up, take it to the post office, pay the postage, and mail it to you. Knock yourself out.
When I finally was able to unload all this stuff I was carrying around for him and storing for him, I met him in a parking lot and I said, "Listen. This is your stuff. You are going to take all of it, and if you don't want some of it, you figure out what to do with it."
Then the coup de gras - I handed him a velvet pouch. In it were some of our dad's ashes in a canister. For some weird reason, our father, who wasn't fat, had produced a LOT of ashes. I have already scattered some of them where he had requested. Then I had put an urn in a niche next to Mom's niche (and urn) in a cemetery. Honestly, I had forgotten that there were still a few ashes left, till I moved and found the pouch and canister in a closet upstairs. So I handed them to my brother. He said, "I don't want these." I said, "Yeah, well me either. I've had them now for three years - tag, you're it."
The reason I'm not asking this in the Caregiving forum is that you probably never look in on that one.
I guess I'm just curious to know what you tell yourselves, how you see the situation: Mom and/or Dad is sick, dying or needs extra care, and somebody else is taking care of it. You must, on some level, see this situation as OK, because you never really offer much help and you aren't there to help. Your sibling is spending maybe 75% or more of their time caring for your parent, while you are spending far less of your time and/or money. Is there some specific reason why you think it's OK to let one of your sisters or brothers (usually it's your sister) do the majority of the work and take most or all of the responsibility for looking after your parent? Are you aware of just how much that person is doing for your parent financially or on a day-to-day basis?
If you're too busy, why specifically are you too busy to help out more?
I guess I'm just trying to understand what your life is like, what your inner justifications are for this, how you think you are helping, or why you think you have helped enough already.
Just curious. (I'm not here to start arguments, just would like to hear from the kids who aren't helping to care for their parents or have let someone else take the lead.)
Great topic and yes there’s a caring child in almost every family and an uncaring child as well. Funny how that works. More frustrating is often the parents view all the children as equally caring for them even though it is not true in any way. The uncaring or so called busy child also manages to get their fair share at the end when the will is read and items doled out. Then they’re front and center.
I have made it clear to my brother and SIL since our early 20s that I would not be involved with helping our parents when they age. They are in their early 60s, in relatively poor health, and have not saved much for retirement.
My parents were emotionally abusive and neglectful when I was growing up and when I was diagnosed with stage IV cancer right out of college, my parents were absent emotionally, physically, financially and logistically. My mother visited 4 months after my treatment ended, and only because she wanted to go to an awareness walk to show her friends our photos (and was angry when I made it clear that I was neither in the physical position to walk nor did I want to rally up my friends to come). I didn't see my dad for another year and a half after treatment ended when they visited for my brother's college graduation.
During this period of time, they went on several vacations, including spending 2 weeks in Scotland in the most dangerous time of my chemotherapy. I went through chemo basically alone and ate mostly out of food pantries because it was such a financial hardship.
My parents have poured money on my brother and SIL, even though they are financially better off (two incomes, much cheaper COL area, no years of cancer history to contend with). While my parents paid a significant amount toward my brother's wedding (upwards of 20K for the 100+ person rehearsal/out of town guest dinner), helped my brother with the downpayment on his first home as well as furnishings, and gifts for the grandkids. All of this has occurred while my parents have been clear with me that they have no money to offer for my own wedding or a down payment for a condo. My brother and SIL are two years young and already on their second house and second child thanks largely to help from my parents.
All while this is happening, I have fallen into a caregiver role for my almost 90 year old grandmother. My parents have not been helpful, keep asking her for money, and seem to be banking on my grandmother's help for their own retirement. My grandmother lives in between my brother and I (about an hour and a half each way) and my brother sees her maybe once a year. She hasn't even met my 6 month old nephew. I adore my grandmother, but it is a pretty heavy lift for me to be so involved in her caregiving when the rest of the family is not helpful.
So, no, I don't feel compelled to be involved in my parents' elder care. In recent years, my brother's wife (who I like) has tried to broach the subject about how they live 5 minutes from her parents and will be tied up taking care of them (despite 4 of her siblings living close by as well). It's clear they are hoping that I will be willing to do more. Sorry. *shrug*
If I could offer financial help without impacting my own ability to purchase/pay the mortgage on a home, put away substantial retirement savings and college savings for my future kids, and feel comfortable in my lifestyle then perhaps I would do that. But my parents couldn't give up a second of their time or effort to help me when I desperately needed them and hadn't had time to prepare for such a life-changing event so young. My parents have had their whole lives to prepare and make better choices, including making choices that wouldn't alienate their adult children.
OP,
Serious question——Why isn’t “because I don’t want to and you can’t make me” an answer that you can understand. Break it down.
I don’t want to because
1- the parent doesn’t deserve it
2 - I am overwhelmed with my own life and have no band width (difficult child, abusive relationship, long work hours)
3- I am incapable because I’m sick or depressed or don’t have a car or can’t take the time off.
4- I have my own life to live and don’t wish to spend my time being a care taker.
5-I am living a life that you would not approve of (trans. Homosexual, addict, religious) and don’t want you to see it
6-I can’t be around sick people or around hospitals
You can’t make me because
1- I don’t care what you or mom thinks about me (now that’s a conversation starter)
2- there is no amount of money to make it worth my while
3- you have made me do things in the past and I have regretted it and won’t do it again
4- It will make me physically ill to do the care chores.
5- I want to disengage from the family I don’t want you to know what going on with my life.
6- I wat to get back at you for real or perceived injustices from our past.
Do any of these ring a bell? Do you feel that if you judge the reason as legit you’ll feel better?
Last edited by foodyum; 11-11-2019 at 03:16 PM..
Reason: Add more reasons
My mother moved 2000+ miles across the country to be near my other siblings. I can take a hint. I visit on Christmas and call a couple times a month, but am not involved in the daily struggles. I also tend to be the first one to send her money when she's short at the end of the month.
Yeah, like a big pile up on the interstate is interesting!
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