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That's what my sister said. She was happy enough to accept help and financial assistance from my parents for years, but when it came time to care for them, she was clear that she didn't owe them anything, that her responsibility was to her "own family."
Just keep in mind that in most cases, caregivers had full lives, full schedules, families, maybe careers, homes, possibly their own health issues, when they "inherited" their caregiving responsibilities. They may have difficult relationships with their loved one too. But for whatever reasons, they decided to step up.
It's usually MUCH more difficult to be a caregiver than other people, who aren't, realize. So if you can help, HELP.
And, that includes financial help. For whatever reason a sibling may have for not being able to help out, provide financial assistance for "respite care" or the many out of pocket expenses or provide some joy to a caregiver as a sign of appreciation.
I had issues with my father but I stepped up for the sake of my (favored) sister -- why should she be burdened with sole responsibilities. It wasn't her fault she was favored by my Dad. In fact, one day my Dad asked where favored sister was as he was getting irritated with me. I told him he was stuck with me today whether he liked it or not.
My parents were emotionally abusive and neglectful when I was growing up and when I was diagnosed with stage IV cancer right out of college, my parents were absent emotionally, physically, financially and logistically. My mother visited 4 months after my treatment ended, and only because she wanted to go to an awareness walk to show her friends our photos (and was angry when I made it clear that I was neither in the physical position to walk nor did I want to rally up my friends to come). I didn't see my dad for another year and a half after treatment ended when they visited for my brother's college graduation.
During this period of time, they went on several vacations, including spending 2 weeks in Scotland in the most dangerous time of my chemotherapy. I went through chemo basically alone and ate mostly out of food pantries because it was such a financial hardship.
My parents have poured money on my brother and SIL, even though they are financially better off (two incomes, much cheaper COL area, no years of cancer history to contend with). While my parents paid a significant amount toward my brother's wedding (upwards of 20K for the 100+ person rehearsal/out of town guest dinner), helped my brother with the downpayment on his first home as well as furnishings, and gifts for the grandkids. All of this has occurred while my parents have been clear with me that they have no money to offer for my own wedding or a down payment for a condo. My brother and SIL are two years young and already on their second house and second child thanks largely to help from my parents.
Thank you to the orignitor of this post.
Brought a new understanding to some scenarios and re affirmed some other facts.
Took going thru it to realize after the loss that:
My "time" will soon enough be doddling away ..hours of staring ..or pondering. So the time thing is a moot point when someone who has years left. .chooses to use that reasoning for not lending a skill.
Some folks truly are not educated in tending to an elder. And tossing them into that role may do more harm.
I was raised from 6 on to respect my elders and assist when need be. My grandfather was a stroke and polio survivor. So it was second nature through out my life. Yet I had to accept that more folks then not were raised to be independent and by tending to their own needs they didn't expect anyone to step in or step up. So why should they ? It's not an insult . It's how our values shape us.
Only 2 adults will I make no excuses for. A resounding NO will suffice.
God has a special place for people who abandon people..
People who abandon their children?
I am a great believer in honesty.
The idea of a perfect mother is so ingrained in us. It makes it nearly impossible to admit a mother can be bad.
Even children will blame themselves for a cruel or neglectful mother. Twisting up reality to conform to the idea mother.
If a parent was cruel or neglectful, it needs to be acknowledged. Once acknowledged, then there are consequences. One consequence is not being able to care for someone who refused to care for you.
My sister lived twenty minutes from my mother. She visited my mother in the nursing home a couple of times a week.
I what I could do from two hours away. Not just two hours away, but over the George Washington Bridge (NYC to NJ) or the Tappen Zee (Westchester/Rockland). Depending on the time of day, there could be significant traffic delays making for a longer trip.
I was also responsible for giving my dog insulin shots every twelve hours. My son's private school did not have any transportation. It was a thirty minute drive twice a day. I had a very tight schedule.
I paid the bills, kept financial records and ordered supplies from Amazon or Peapod for her. I made telephone calls to doctors. I did the best I could and my sister appreciated my help.
6 siblings here and I did the bulk of the work. It just worked out that way, I lived closer though all siblings in town.
4 siblings with my husbands family. They are all gone in other states and the one that still lives here is gone constantly on trips and vacations. Not fun. My in-laws hated for life and guess who is always there, me. Everything I do is wrong, can’t even put the salt on the table correctly. My husband does most of the work because I’ve just had it with them. They finally came right out last year and told me how much they have always hated me. Thought I had “trapped” their precious son 50 years ago for Pete’s sake. NOT. Ugh, people. My religion requires me to forgive them so I do but I don’t walk into traps willingly.
Anything I did for my inlaws I really just did for my husband. I loved them, but they became very, very difficult in their last few miserable years. Throw some dementia into the mix and WOW. There was no reasoning with them. My FIL had been rude to me in the past (though he was just naturally a gruff sort of guy) AND he didn't have dementia so I had less tolerance for his shenanigans, but my MIL was a dear woman and she had Alzheimer's. She had always treated me beautifully and I just kept reminding myself of that as she got worse and worse. This was not really her.
My parents - oh where to begin? I had to just say "I can't help what my brother does. That's not my responsibility and not my guilt and not even my judgment call. All I am responsible for is whether or not I do the right thing. I am going to do the right thing and I just have to have faith that it will work out." So I did that and it did work out.
But it was very difficult emotionally. I had to do a lot of praying to get through it.
Anything I did for my inlaws I really just did for my husband. I loved them, but they became very, very difficult in their last few miserable years. Throw some dementia into the mix and WOW. There was no reasoning with them. My FIL had been rude to me in the past (though he was just naturally a gruff sort of guy) AND he didn't have dementia so I had less tolerance for his shenanigans, but my MIL was a dear woman and she had Alzheimer's. She had always treated me beautifully and I just kept reminding myself of that as she got worse and worse. This was not really her.
My father-in-law had Alzheimer's. His nursing caretakers said a few people continued to be nice, but most people's personalities are worse with Alzheimer's.
My father-in-law thought he was still in his Brooklyn home. He offered us mixed drinks and promised a barbecue later on. Nice and easy going. Boy, did the caretakers love him!
Anything I did for my inlaws I really just did for my husband. I loved them, but they became very, very difficult in their last few miserable years. Throw some dementia into the mix and WOW. There was no reasoning with them. My FIL had been rude to me in the past (though he was just naturally a gruff sort of guy) AND he didn't have dementia so I had less tolerance for his shenanigans, but my MIL was a dear woman and she had Alzheimer's. She had always treated me beautifully and I just kept reminding myself of that as she got worse and worse. This was not really her.
My parents - oh where to begin? I had to just say "I can't help what my brother does. That's not my responsibility and not my guilt and not even my judgment call. All I am responsible for is whether or not I do the right thing. I am going to do the right thing and I just have to have faith that it will work out." So I did that and it did work out.
But it was very difficult emotionally. I had to do a lot of praying to get through it.
Having read many of your caregiving posts, KA, I say this with the utmost respect.
Since you mention an inheritance, why couldn't you use that to put the 4 folks in an assisted living home? I realize they didn't "want to" but at a certain point, isn't it out of their hands when it becomes YOU making the care decisions? Did they not have any assets and if not, Medicaid?
You went through the wringer for so many years....why not pay for care?
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