Are you the sibling who doesn't help out with Mom and Dad? (brother, sister)

[YorktownGal]

Originally Posted by Sand&Salt

Having read many of your caregiving posts, KA, I say this with the utmost respect.

Since you mention an inheritance, why couldn't you use that to put the 4 folks in an assisted living home? I realize they didn't "want to" but at a certain point, isn't it out of their hands when it becomes YOU making the care decisions? Did they not have any assets and if not, Medicaid?

You went through the wringer for so many years....why not pay for care?

Here lies the problem.

Assisted living homes depend on the patient's family. They expect families to purchase supplies like diapers, toilet paper, soaps, shampoos and favorite foods. The expect families to help transport patients to doctor appts. I had weekly telephone calls with the head of nursing and with my mom's doctors.

My mom's nursing home had monthly events for families to attend as well as holiday celebrations.

It is not like a parent gets dumped there and you get to walk away. Sure, you don't have to change diapers anymore or wash sheets but there is still a level of involvement.

[KathrynAragon]

Originally Posted by YorktownGal

Here lies the problem.

Assisted living homes depend on the patient's family. They expect families to purchase supplies like diapers, toilet paper, soaps, shampoos and favorite foods. The expect families to help transport patients to doctor appts. I had weekly telephone calls with the head of nursing and with my mom's doctors.

My mom's nursing home had monthly events for families to attend as well as holiday celebrations.

It is not like a parent gets dumped there and you get to walk away. Sure, you don't have to change diapers anymore or wash sheets but there is still a level of involvement.

This is true too.

I was very involved with my mom's daily care. I had to be. I took her out at least twice a week, and often visited more than that, especially before she went into memory care and was in her own senior apartment. Oh my gosh, I had to be there ALL THE TIME. Well, often. And I had to coordinate everything - meds, dr appts, groceries, personal items, dental care, eye exams, you name it.

And you know - I am not young. I was in my mid fifties at the time (I'm 57 now). I had my OWN appointments. I had just had ankle surgery on both ankles in fact. I have teeth, eyes, etc. And I didn't want to get sick myself and the stress was really something.

Stress is a real issue with a lot of caregivers and it opens the door to all sorts of illnesses. I feel like I dodged a bullet but I credit a lot of that to these three factors: 1) My husband who was supportive and always "had my back" and whose job allowed me to quit working, 2) professional counseling, and 3) no financial strain/the ability to place Mom in a good facility when that became necessary.

But even in the memory care center, which did address Mom's medical needs (no more running her back and forth to the doctor, though I still had to get her to and from the dentist, ophthamologist, etc), and which did do her laundry and help her with bathing, eating, etc. I was responsible for providing her clothes, diapers, personal items, etc. like you said. It was only when she was enrolled in hospice care that these needs were met via hospice.

[wasel]

Originally Posted by YorktownGal

Here lies the problem.

Assisted living homes depend on the patient's family. They expect families to purchase supplies like diapers, toilet paper, soaps, shampoos and favorite foods. The expect families to help transport patients to doctor appts. I had weekly telephone calls with the head of nursing and with my mom's doctors.

My mom's nursing home had monthly events for families to attend as well as holiday celebrations.

It is not like a parent gets dumped there and you get to walk away. Sure, you don't have to change diapers anymore or wash sheets but there is still a level of involvement.

It really does "take a village." Just saw one of my friends last night who I hadn't seen in a while. Her mother is mentally "with it" but physically has a lot of illnesses/frailty and was just in the hospital for 3 weeks (she lives in another state).



This Mom lives in assisted living, has a retired brother nearby who is able bodied and very involved, and my friend STILL has spent many hours on the phone and down there in person to sort out all the medical needs and schedules for home care etc. (I'm not saying "STILL" as a complaint thing, I'm saying it as a "even with all that there is still a ton for my friend to do" thing -- and she does have full-time job here in our city so it's not like she has a lot of ability to travel there.)



In fact, the hospital called her 3 days ago and said "We're discharging your Mom in 2 hours." No one had indicated she would be out that day, even after her and her uncle asking, so suddenly everyone has to make a mad scramble to arrange to Mom back to assisted living and home health notified.



There is so much to do when elders need care. And not enough people to do it.

[Blondy]

Originally Posted by reebo

That’s an optimal solution if you have the finances. It’s not feasible for many. My mom paid $300/month for LTC, a substantial amount for some. Assisted living in our area is $8,000/month. Skilled nursing is $13,000/month. Private nursing $20/hour, more on holidays and weekends.

If, as news reports frequently tell us, 40% of households would struggle to pay a sudden $400 expense, outside caregiving expenses are out of reach for many.

Many people will not spend money to make care easier even when they have it.

If they can do something themselves(no matter how hard or if doing it makes them sick or wears them out) rather than pay for it they will. Ditto if they can't "manage" help and either get the standard they want or learn to live with a lesser standard.

My sister has been through 4 house cleaners in the last 4 years because she doesn't want to pay the going rate and she can't find one that meets her standards. I don't care what she does, but every time she gets rid of one my mother has to get used to a new one because once my sister has words with someone she's uncomfortable with them continuing to clean my mother's apt even though my mother may be ok with the person.

They wont avail themselves of grocery delivery because why should they pay a $15 delivery fee? Never mind what it will cost when my mother eventually falls in the grocery store. It goes on and on.

[Ultrarunner]

I see how some families come together and others vanish...

Life revolves around work and Mom... that is it 24/7

My sister in law tries to visit an hour or so twice a week... which Mom really enjoys.

The siblings are fine if I pack mom up for a afternoon visit... but no one picks up Mom

I asked point blank just having each take Mom overnight one night a month would be wonderful... no takers.

What I did get was a list of private agencies that offer care to the tune of $480 a day... it wouldn't take long to go BK at that rate.

Seen that happen too... kids sell the home and put Mom in a nice place till the money is gone... maybe 3 - 4 years max and then Mom is left to whatever the assistance is left... like sharing a room for 4 others in a licensed home... sad...

My neighbor will be 100 in a couple of months... his 3 daughters and their families are spread around Northern and Southern CA... they make sure Dad is never alone and he gets to where he needs... the So Cal family spends most of the summer here between husband and wife... the local daughter takes care of all shopping and home care with the third covering for Holidays and pays for outside help out of pocket when needed... Grand Daughter is a jewel... attended UC Berkeley and moved to Grampa's house for two years... as a college student...

Sometimes it just seems one should be an only child when it all falls on that child's shoulders.

[LynnBBQ]

I see this in my husband's family. It is not bad yet because his father is still in mostly OK mental and physical health (mother is dead) but I can see that it will be a problem down the road. The first post in this thread asked why one sibling seems to have nothing do to with the care of a parent, leaving it all to the other sibling. Well, my husband's parents never saved a dime. They retired, sold their home, and bought an RV to travel the country. Over the next 10 years they constantly traded the current RV for a newer bigger more expensive RV. Until one day they realized their health would not let them drive the RV any longer. So they had to sell the RV for basically what they still owed on it. They had no house and only their Social Security to live on. My husband's sibling offered to let them move in to their very large home out West.... about 2000 miles from my husband. The sibling and spouse are very very well off financially and own a business so they have loads of money and can arrange their schedules to take Dad to the doctor, etc. now that Mom is gone. I don't know how my husband is supposed to help with this - it was his parents' decision to move across the country.

We are OK financially but certainly don't have the extra money (or vacation time) to fly out and run Dad to an appointment. I know my husband's sibling somewhat resents the fact that this has fallen on them but I don't know what we can do. We do not have the money to pay for a caregiver or a nursing home when the time comes. We could maybe send $100 each month but that is just a drop in the bucket. Hubby's sibling sends emails every couple of months saying they need to talk about Dad's future care and my husband calls back and the sibling is always busy etc. so we don't know what to do. It is very frustrating to me that the sibling is somewhat asking for help from us but will never tell us what is going on or what kind of "help" they need... I am sure the sibling is telling everyone that my husband does not participate in Dad's care at all. But what are we supposed to do when no one will tell us what is needed?

Edit to add: Dad will not fly to visit us. He flew out one time and absolutely hated it. All he did was complain about the flight, the weather here, how much he missed his friends at home, etc. so this is not an option. And we both work full-time and have a smaller house so Dad cannot live here with us.

[IndyDancer]

We have sort of been through this on my husband's side (though I'm not willing to throw him under the bus as "not helping") when my FIL needed caregiving and eventually passed away. We live 100+ miles from his rural-ish childhood home. MIL and BIL (and formerly FIL) still live there, BIL never moved out. We both have full-time jobs in an urban area (not the kind we would be able to find in his hometown) and a child.

BIL, MIL, and a local cousin provided the at-home caregiving after a couple failed short-lived stints in nursing homes. Yes, it clearly took a toll on all of them. My spouse went up to help out on weekends as he could.

One challenge that he encountered was that BIL and MIL often ignored his suggestions or ways that he offered to help. He was not always in a position to enforce or implement those suggestions himself (e.g. actually setting up other external resources to come in and help out or provide occasional relief - my spouse researched all the info, but at the end of the day, it had to be my BIL or MIL who actually worked it around their schedules and they just wouldn't do it, or wouldn't spend the money). The caregiving exhausted and stressed them, but they resisted getting additional help even though they could have, and often wouldn't consider alternative approaches, and my spouse couldn't force them to do it while he wasn't there.

I'm crossing my fingers MIL will not need the same level of care. BIL has an hourly shift job, and the cousin works too, so there is no way to provide 24-hour at home care from family alone. MIL would have to be moved down by us. That is a complete non-starter.

I'm also hoping that my own parents will not need caregiving. If so, it will be equally ugly. My adult sibling also still lives at home with mom (in our childhood home, 100+ miles away in a different direction), never moved out, works hourly shift job, and is not the caregiver type. That's going to be a cluster no matter how it plays out.

[katharsis]

Every situation is different. Here is mine:

1. My mom is 87 and still lives completely independently, except for employing a twice-monthly gardener. She still drives locally and still does all her own housework.

2. I moved out when I was 18, and I have lived more than a thousand miles away ever since I was 33 (I'm 66 now), and I have never been close in any way to my mom. From the age of nine until I left home, she treated me more as a live-in unpaid servant than a daughter. (Granted, there were extenuating circumstances as I was the oldest of five kids, and my brother was an invalid -- he couldn't walk, was mildly "delayed", and died at age 21. Btw, one of my chores was to lift him on and off the toilet and in and out of the bathtub.) My mom has never helped me out financially or any other way since I was about 13 -- and in fact, starting with my first full-time summer babysitting job when I was 14 until I moved out, I was required to give two-thirds of my income to my parents for my "room and board". (They needed the money as my mom couldn't work outside the home because of my brother, and my father was a machinist and didn't earn that much money.)

3. My youngest sister is 11 years younger than I am, so she did not have to do any of the work when she was very young like I had to do. She was only 13 when my brother died, and by then, he was too big for her to lift. She has always lived less than 20 minutes from my mom, and ever since she gave birth to my niece 16 years ago, she and my mom have had a reciprocal relationship, including my mom providing full day day care and then after school babysitting until just a few years ago in exchange for my sister taking my mom to the doctor or whatever. (My other sister died, and the last sister lives about an hour away, and only visits once or twice a month.)

So, in short, my "justification" for not taking an active role in my mother's life is that I think that I did my duty to her when I was very young, so I feel no obligation to "help out" now. However, we are all very fortunate in that my mom has VERY comfortable retirement savings thanks to my dad leaving her a very generous life insurance policy after he died and the fact that her home is paid in full, and she receives more than enough in Social Security to meet her monthly expenditures.


P.S. I suspect that the above post sounds very bitter, and I do admit that I do have some bitterness and resentment. However, I actually do admire my mom because she had a very hard life but did not turn to any kind of substance abuse to cope, and she went to college and went to work after my brother died. And, actually, I do like her as a person, too, but we are just not very close at all, although I do send her a card and a gift for Mothers Day, Christmas and her birthday.

[LynnBBQ]

Originally Posted by katharsis

So, in short, my "justification" for not taking an active role in my mother's life is that I think that I did my duty to her when I was very young, so I feel no obligation to "help out" now. However, we are all very fortunate in that my mom has VERY comfortable retirement savings thanks to my dad leaving her a very generous life insurance policy after he died and the fact that her home is paid in full, and she receives more than enough in Social Security to meet her monthly expenditures.


P.S. I suspect that the above post sounds very bitter, and I do admit that I do have some bitterness and resentment. However, I actually do admire my mom because she had a very hard life but did not turn to any kind of substance abuse to cope, and she went to college and went to work after my brother died.. And, actually, I do like her as a person, too, but we are just not very close at all, although I do send her a card and a gift for Mother's Day, Christmas and her birthday.

I don't think you sound bitter. You sound realistic. It seems like you have examined your past and present and are OK with your life now. You both seem to be relating as adults and are good with your current relationship. I happen to agree with you - you did your part when you were young and she needed help then. It is someone else's turn now. You certainly don't need my validation, but not every family is a Hallmark story.

[Teacher Terry]

KAtharsis, you totally helped when it was needed and have nothing to feel bad about.