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The reason I'm not asking this in the Caregiving forum is that you probably never look in on that one.
I guess I'm just curious to know what you tell yourselves, how you see the situation: Mom and/or Dad is sick, dying or needs extra care, and somebody else is taking care of it. You must, on some level, see this situation as OK, because you never really offer much help and you aren't there to help. Your sibling is spending maybe 75% or more of their time caring for your parent, while you are spending far less of your time and/or money. Is there some specific reason why you think it's OK to let one of your sisters or brothers (usually it's your sister) do the majority of the work and take most or all of the responsibility for looking after your parent? Are you aware of just how much that person is doing for your parent financially or on a day-to-day basis?
If you're too busy, why specifically are you too busy to help out more?
I guess I'm just trying to understand what your life is like, what your inner justifications are for this, how you think you are helping, or why you think you have helped enough already.
Just curious. (I'm not here to start arguments, just would like to hear from the kids who aren't helping to care for their parents or have let someone else take the lead.)
I have a brother who was COMPLETELY DISENGAGED while I was in the trenches with both our parents. I mean, he visited TWICE in about three years - for an afternoon. DID NOTHING. He didn't even pick up the stuff I WAS STORING FOR HIM, even though he was visiting in a truck and had room - till finally I told him "I am just not going to store this stuff for you anymore so you better come get it," and he finally did. He lives about six hours away. I get that that is a chunk of a drive, but he doesn't have a family at all (he's single, no kids, in his late 40s) and let's just say he has a very flexible work schedule. VERY flexible.
When our middle brother passed away a few months ago, not only did this brother not go to the funeral, he didn't even SIGN THE ONLINE OBITUARY OR SEND A CARD. Then he called me and wanted ME to call our brother's WIDOW and ask for her to send him some military stuff our dad had given our brother. Errrr, no. Tell you what - YOU call her - three months after our brother suffered and died of pancreatic cancer and you never called one time during all that - and tell her you want her to go through that stuff, package it up, take it to the post office, pay the postage, and mail it to you. Knock yourself out.
When I finally was able to unload all this stuff I was carrying around for him and storing for him, I met him in a parking lot and I said, "Listen. This is your stuff. You are going to take all of it, and if you don't want some of it, you figure out what to do with it."
Then the coup de gras - I handed him a velvet pouch. In it were some of our dad's ashes in a canister. For some weird reason, our father, who wasn't fat, had produced a LOT of ashes. I have already scattered some of them where he had requested. Then I had put an urn in a niche next to Mom's niche (and urn) in a cemetery. Honestly, I had forgotten that there were still a few ashes left, till I moved and found the pouch and canister in a closet upstairs. So I handed them to my brother. He said, "I don't want these." I said, "Yeah, well me either. I've had them now for three years - tag, you're it."
Your post is already loaded with presumptions and resentment. It's not always a matter of "not caring" or being "too busy" or that it's okay. It's that some people have complications of their own, an ill spouse, job commitments, other family obligations, their own ill health, financial difficulties, live overseas or far away,etc.
I know in my case if anything happened to me my son's wife is so possessive, manipulative and selfish she would use her usual passive aggressive way to thwart any effort by my son to help me. He would because he lives nearby and he is a sweet young man, but he is also contending with a very difficult wife, a high pressure job and three children. I would not want to add woe's to that mix. My daughter lives in another state and has a small child and obligations and I wouldn't expect her to drop everything. My husband and I have discussed our options that doesn't involve relying on our children as carers.
I wish I could ask my sister some of these questions without her flying into a huff. So I'll ask strangers :-)
I'm really trying to understand how non-"custodial" siblings view the world and the situation. The only thing I can think, is that they either have no idea of the amount of effort being put in by the "custodial" sibling, or they think the custodial sibling is getting some sort of extra emotional or financial return on the situation.
My mother isn't even that sick but she requires constant assistance with her medications, mobility, taking her to appointments, cheering her up, making sure her bills get paid on time, etc. She constantly laments that my sister (who lives 5 minutes away) never calls to see how she's doing. She refuses to call my sister for help with any thing because my sister's attitude is usually eye-rolling and frosty, as if she's doing a great favor by responding. I live with our mom but I pay my mother a stipend of $800 a month (despite the fact I'm owner of the house), share groceries, pay for an extra car for her drive (when she can drive), administer her medications (she's going blind in one eye), take her to the emergency room when she has medical crises... my sister contributes no money and when my mom has to go into the hospital for anything, my sister shows up acting very put-out. (And my sister doesn't even have any kids of her own!)
I'm just trying to, respectfully, understand the worldview and mindset of the non-helping kids. Obviously they feel like this is an OK arrangement and that they are pulling their weight. Or that the custodial, "helper kid" can walk away from this at any time if they don't enjoy it or can't handle it. (Do grown adults really believe that? That an elderly woman with vision and mobility problems and very modest finances can just take care of themselves overnight and that anyone can just "walk away" and pretend to still have a decent relationship with their parent?)
Help me out here, I am just trying to understand. I'm trying to understand why there's not even a teamwork spirit here; why the custodial sibling so often has to approach the other sibling(s) on their hands and knees begging respectfully for assistance even just occasionally. Even if the siblings do not have a terrible relationship or anything like that.
Yeah, if your parent was exceedingly abusive to you growing up, I can understand THAT. That's not the situation here and probably isn't the situation in most cases of lopsided sibling responsibilities.
So what is it? I'm curious. What do you kids think you're contributing, if you think you're contributing? Have you ever touched base with the other sibling (who is doing the lion's share of the work) to see what they think?
Your post is already loaded with presumptions and resentment. It's not always a matter of "not caring" or being "too busy" or that it's okay. It's that some people have complications of their own, an ill spouse, job commitments, other family obligations, their own ill health, financial difficulties, live overseas or far away,etc.
Well, that's a fair answer, so it just seems like a case of "last one out is a rotten egg"? Because the sibling who is expected to care for the parent often has these very same problems.
Why is further conversation on this state of affairs often not something that the non-custodial sibling is open to? Because honestly, every adult has problems of this nature. We all have obligations beyond the parent. I feel like there's some other factor at play that is along the lines of "Because I don't want to and you can't make me, that's why."
The notion that someone else in the family is being "difficult" is universal and subjective; the amount of services being provided by the custodial sibling is measurable, quantifiable and objective.
The reason I'm not asking this in the Caregiving forum is that you probably never look in on that one.
I guess I'm just curious to know what you tell yourselves, how you see the situation: Mom and/or Dad is sick, dying or needs extra care, and somebody else is taking care of it. You must, on some level, see this situation as OK, because you never really offer much help and you aren't there to help. Your sibling is spending maybe 75% or more of their time caring for your parent, while you are spending far less of your time and/or money. Is there some specific reason why you think it's OK to let one of your sisters or brothers (usually it's your sister) do the majority of the work and take most or all of the responsibility for looking after your parent? Are you aware of just how much that person is doing for your parent financially or on a day-to-day basis?
If you're too busy, why specifically are you too busy to help out more?
I guess I'm just trying to understand what your life is like, what your inner justifications are for this, how you think you are helping, or why you think you have helped enough already.
Just curious. (I'm not here to start arguments, just would like to hear from the kids who aren't helping to care for their parents or have let someone else take the lead.)
Yes, there are certainly scenarios that would make it very difficult for a sibling to contribute time, energy, or financial support. But this happens frequently enough that it seems reasonable that there are some siblings who would be ABLE to contribute but choose not to.
I suspect that the reasons could stem from:
--Not having a positive relationship with the parent so not wanting to spend any more time with them than is required;
--Finding it too difficult emotionally to see the parent struggling with health problems and with contemplating the future loss of the parent;
--Lack of insight into the many needs of an ill and/or elderly parent (maybe through lack of exposure to the reality of the situation);
--Or self-absorption, either through competing responsibilities of kids/job/finances/own family illness OR narcissistic self-interest as a general world view.
But this is just my speculation. I'm also interested in hearing from those who can provide personal insight.
If you're too busy, why specifically are you too busy to help out more?
I'm not too busy. I just don't give a damn.
Short version because everyone's tired of hearing it: I was supposed to be a boy. Instead I turned out to be a surplus girl, who was unwanted and unloved by both parents, who demonstrated their indifference and loathing in many creative ways. The psychologists call that "emotional neglect", sometimes "emotional abuse."
My father's dead. My 88 year old mother had a stroke a few months ago. Why in the world would I ever help care for her?
Short version because everyone's tired of hearing it: I was supposed to be a boy. Instead I turned out to be a surplus girl, who was unwanted and unloved by both parents, who demonstrated their indifference and loathing in many creative ways. The psychologists call that "emotional neglect", sometimes "emotional abuse."
My father's dead. My 88 year old mother had a stroke a few months ago. Why in the world would I ever help care for her?
I don't think the OP is suggesting that you SHOULD help or saying you are a bad person for not helping. I think he/she just seeks to undertstand the reasons this happens. Because in just about every family, there is great inequity in terms of caregiving or looking after the elderly parent. Sometimes its with good reason, like in your case, but other times it's not, as in the case of my estranged sibling who decided to walk away from my parents unexplicably years ago (and who has been asked "why" many times and says that they haven't walked away and the parent did nothing wrong and there is nothing going on.)
So what is it? I'm curious. What do you kids think you're contributing, if you think you're contributing? Have you ever touched base with the other sibling (who is doing the lion's share of the work) to see what they think?
The problem you are facing is family dynamics. Something went wrong somewhere and the family is not happy together.
You already know why your sibling isn't helping out. People like to say they wonder why--but inside, they know the answer.
My mother had never needed major help. My sister was the oldest. She was always a "in charge", a bit bossy. If she ever asked me to do something--I was on it. My mother was an only child, her mother left her when she was five--that was back in the '30's--had to be tough. My sister was the sister my mother always wanted, I was kind of like a third wheel. So---I kept my distance. It wasn't a comfortable place for me to be when all of us were in the same place.
When my mother had a major stroke, hospice, death all occurring within ten days--I did everything my sister asked me to do. She was in charge by choice, it is in her personality. We still struggle with a relationship but we try.
If you want your sibling to help you--then specifically "ask" her to do something instead of brewing about it. Just be specific and ask your sibling to do something. You can't change the family dynamic, but you can work with it.
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