Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Yes, there are certainly scenarios that would make it very difficult for a sibling to contribute time, energy, or financial support. But this happens frequently enough that it seems reasonable that there are some siblings who would be ABLE to contribute but choose not to.
I suspect that the reasons could stem from:
--Not having a positive relationship with the parent so not wanting to spend any more time with them than is required;
--Finding it too difficult emotionally to see the parent struggling with health problems and with contemplating the future loss of the parent;
--Lack of insight into the many needs of an ill and/or elderly parent (maybe through lack of exposure to the reality of the situation);
--Or self-absorption, either through competing responsibilities of kids/job/finances/own family illness OR narcissistic self-interest as a general world view.
But this is just my speculation. I'm also interested in hearing from those who can provide personal insight.
Excellent post. "--Lack of insight into the many needs of an ill and/or elderly parent (maybe through lack of exposure to the reality of the situation); " I think that this is often the case. I'll give an example. I was the full time caregiver of my husband with dementia (and later a traumatic brain injury).While my son saw him when he visited once or twice a year for a week or two he never had full responsibility until I became ill and he had to care for my husband/his father. My son said that he had absolutely no idea the difficulty and the stress of caring for someone 24/7 until he had to do it for two weeks.
I will only say, every situation is different, and what appears to be the case from the outside looking in might not be the real truth of the matter.
In my own case, people who don't know me probably think I'm horrible for not stepping in when my mom needed care. If they had asked me, I would have told them quite honestly that no one in my family ever asked for or respected my opinion, and that my mom had given my brother and his wife a hefty sum of money over the years (way more than she gave any of the other siblings, either before or after her death) on the condition that they would take care of her when she could no longer take care of herself. They gave her excellent, loving care, and I was glad for that, and gave them a lot of credit, both privately and publicly, for doing so.
No one in my family wanted, or needed, my help or input, so I stayed out of it. To an outsider, though, it might well look as though I was a selfish jerk. In truth, I was hurt and felt left out. But at least none of my sibs was angry with me. We all knew what was going on.
In my family, "the girl" was expected to do any caregiving. My mother even said so - saying "boys don't do that kind of stuff."
There was no expectation on anyone's part that my brother would do anything - he didn't know HOW to do anything, and no one expected him to inconvenience himself.
My father, a wonderful man, was also not helpful when his own mother got sick (as far as I can tell). I honestly don't know what became of her - she was very poor and lived in a different city. It makes me sad to think she didn't have family assisting her through her struggles and final days.
"Girls" were expected to drop everything and come to the rescue of whomever needed it.
My mother and my youngest sister have had an agreement for years that my sister would add on to her house and take care of her if she needed it. For the record, I never thought this was a good plan. My mother has plenty of money to live in a great assisted living facility and imo once she adjusted would be happier and better socialized while still having both of us nearby to visit.
But, three years ago that's exactly what my mother and father did when they started feeling it was too much for them to maintain their home. They sold their house, gave her 100K to build an in-law suite onto her house, downsized their stuff and moved in with her. Since then, my father has passed.
I moved here when we retired primarily to be extra help for my parents if they needed it. I had no idea they were all still as crazy as when I left!
They all three are perfectionists with a certain standard(note I didn't say a higher standard lol) of how each and every blessed thing should be done. They are also all stubborn as heck.
My sister in particular is just nuts imo. She never met a situation/problem that she couldn't overthink, overanalyze, overimprove, etc. Good enough is almost never good enough. She creates extra work, chaos, drama and problems. Inevitably, she tries to drag everyone around her into it.
I simply refuse to be part of all that. For example, she's selling the property she built the in-law suite onto. A year ago she bought a new house and borrowed another 100K from my mother(convenient that Dad's not here to put a stop to that lol) to remodel it. Last week according to my mother she was "in tears" over bad plumbing, wiring, flooring etc that the inspection didn't turn up. Over a year later the house is still not ready and I'm sure all this stresses my mom.
My mother is rolling with the punches but, it ticks me off that she is putting our 85 year old mother through the stress of moving again. If I get involved, I will just be insane.
I conserve my energy for if there is a real emergency with my mom that needs to be dealt with.
Yes, there are certainly scenarios that would make it very difficult for a sibling to contribute time, energy, or financial support. But this happens frequently enough that it seems reasonable that there are some siblings who would be ABLE to contribute but choose not to.
I suspect that the reasons could stem from:
--Not having a positive relationship with the parent so not wanting to spend any more time with them than is required;
--Finding it too difficult emotionally to see the parent struggling with health problems and with contemplating the future loss of the parent;
--Lack of insight into the many needs of an ill and/or elderly parent (maybe through lack of exposure to the reality of the situation);
--Or self-absorption, either through competing responsibilities of kids/job/finances/own family illness OR narcissistic self-interest as a general world view.
But this is just my speculation. I'm also interested in hearing from those who can provide personal insight.
Good post. I'd suggest a couple other things that could play into it as well.
Someone could have family dynamic issues that sort of simmer under the surface, but add a layer of harsh reality logistics on top of it and it tips the balance significantly. Case in point...a sibling who lives overseas. Add thousands of $$ to every potential trip to visit or help can be more than enough. Distance makes "out of sight out of mind" more compelling.
Not everyone can envision themselves even being able to help. The situation can seem so overwhelming they freeze and do nothing. My siblings and I learned in which ways each of us was best able to help out. For one, it was physically being present and taking control of the day-to-day. For another it was paying bills or arranging for some needed service remotely. For a third it was being the soundingboard, the commiserator, the counselor, the facilitator. One had more expertise in the medical aspects. Another was better at dealing with numbers/banks/money. A third was best at dealing with house issues, repairs, contractors. Understanding who to ask what and building on each person's strengths gets things done. People are empowered by little victories. Divide and conquer.
Last edited by Parnassia; 11-10-2019 at 01:58 PM..
Well, that's a fair answer, so it just seems like a case of "last one out is a rotten egg"? Because the sibling who is expected to care for the parent often has these very same problems.
Why is further conversation on this state of affairs often not something that the non-custodial sibling is open to? Because honestly, every adult has problems of this nature. We all have obligations beyond the parent. I feel like there's some other factor at play that is along the lines of "Because I don't want to and you can't make me, that's why."
The notion that someone else in the family is being "difficult" is universal and subjective; the amount of services being provided by the custodial sibling is measurable, quantifiable and objective.
There is nothing subjective about our dil making it very difficult for our son to be available to help us even on minor stuff, because we have already witnessed it. That said I’d have given anything to have the privilege of helping and supporting my mother , alas she was a willing partner in my sisters agenda of coming between us. Sometimes loving children face rejection and there just isn’t a thing we can do about it. So my sister by choice is the custodial sibling. She’s always wanted to be an only child, now she’s got it.
So no, I don’t think it’s last one out is a rotten egg, there are other dynamics and issues at play, including gender differences and relationship differences.
Sometimes it's just a case of knowing that another sibling will do the heavy lifting. That's what I have run into in the past few years.
My mom's neighbor killed himself and his disabled dad after years of full time caregiving. His note said that he couldn't do it anymore, physically, emotionally, or financially, and his siblings refused to help. He didn't want to leave his dad behind to be neglected by the family. Really sad story.
There are all sorts of reasons, some more understandable than others, but one thing I am pretty darn sure of is REGARDLESS OF THE VALIDITY OF THE REASONS FOR UNINVOLVMENT, it's very rare for an uninvolved sibling to really grasp just how difficult caregiving can be for the one doing it.
Honestly, I never saw this coming. I was in full swing with my career, my husband and I were saving for retirement, our kids were grown and we were finally able to enjoy a bit of traveling together, grandkids lived nearby so we were very involved with them, with our jobs, with our community, etc. Suddenly - BAM - for me it all came to a standstill. Now, to be fair, my husband and I were on the same page. SOMEONE had to quit working and he made more money than me so it was just common sense that I'd quit working to take care of the increasing needs of our elderly parents. And they were serious needs, and get this - one by one, in the space of four five years, they all got critically ill and died. DIED. And by that time, my career had lost traction. So basically I lost the last fifteen years of potential earnings. That's pretty huge, especially when you're expecting to retire at that point - with earnings.
Not to mention the emotional side of it - the sorrow, the frustration, the worry, the empathy, the confusion, the anxiety - watching the people you love get sicker and sicker and then DIE. In your face so to speak.
But it wasn't just that - it was also the fact that basically we were forced to live reactively and for me, that really took an emotional toll. Loved ones were so sick and fragile, that any of them could end up in the hospital with an emergency at any time. Sometimes we had TWO sick parents to deal with at one time.
I will give my brother in law and his wife a complete pass on this though and you know why? Because during this time, THEY were taking care of HER mother - in their home, trying to hold down two full time jobs, trying to retire as well, etc. I can understand why they weren't there more often (though they did try to pitch in and help as much as possible). And I also had a brother battling pancreatic cancer (who lost that battle I might add) during that time - he gets a pass and then some. But our youngest brother, no - I really don't understand how he justified doing absolutely NOTHING. NOTHING. NOTHING.
Ironically, he was the Golden Boy to my parents. I will never forget when my mom was laying in the hospital after having a stroke. She fully expected my youngest brother to show up to visit her - or call - or send flowers - or SOMETHING. He did nothing. What was so pitiful is that there was a male nurse who looked like my brother from a distance, and every time he would pass her room, she would say "Oh, look, there's your brother coming to see me!" But he never came.
Finally, I had to actually call him and threaten him with disinheritance if he didn't come see her. Our dad was that upset - but such are family dynamics that though he would possibly actually DO it, he was still too timid to call my brother out about it. I had to do it. I said to him, "Listen here, you had better come see Mom - Dad's talking about changing his will and cutting you out if you don't come see her." And as soon as he realized he might lose his inheritance, boy he was visiting the next DAY. For about an hour. And you would have thought he had hung the moon. Here I'd been by my parents' side for days, traveled three hours to be there, taken vacation time, figured out what to do with my kids, etc. and my brother, with no kids, plenty of vacation time, plenty of money, etc. FINALLY shows up two weeks after my mom's stroke, for an hour or so, and then goes on his merry way, and the whole time he was there my mom and even my dad were both just making over him like he was a visiting monarch or something. It was sickening. And to top it all off, they gave him gas money! What the heck!
Anyway, he's never given me any sort of explanation other than "Yeah, well, I commend you - I just couldn't handle it emotionally." Hey, it was no picnic. But you do what you gotta do. And he knew that I would do it, so he DIDN'T do it. No apologies. No excuses. He just didn't do it.
Well, in my case, my mom was married to my stepdad for 44 years. My mom divorced my biological dad when I was less than a year old and my older sister was 8. My sister never forgave my stepdad for marrying my mom, it's safe to say she held disdain for him for her entire life.
My stepdad took financial care of me, my sister and my two brothers. He also took financial care of his biological son. He's worked hard his entire life to build a nice inheritance for all of us.
My husband and I are his caregivers (paying bills, taking him to appointments, making sure he has all the items he needs to live comfortably in assisted living along with getting him out to eat several times a month) with some pop in assistance from our son as needed.
My sister lives 10 minutes away from him and has yet to visit, though my dad has lived that close since the end of January. She's called him twice, once to say she wanted to do lunch (which never happened) and once because a longtime friend had called her trying to track him down after we moved him into independent/assisted living.
My stepbrother had lived less than 30 minutes from us before we moved back to this area (where we have friends and support) and visited my stepdad 5 times max because he was "too busy". Then threw a fit when we informed him we were moving back to this area. How many times has he visited him since? 0. How many times has he called? 1. How many times has his wife manipulated my dad into giving money for their children? 1 for a cell phone for the 16 year old that the doctor son apparently couldn't afford to buy for his own child.
My two brothers live several states away. One has driven down with his wife once to visit, which was greatly appreciated. The other has not, though he calls my dad weekly. Both are more in contact than the two that live in the same state.
My mom and I had a pretty good relationship for a dysfunctional family, we traveled to the beach a lot in the last 5-7 years of her life, we made trips to Michigan, to Maine, and to the mountains.
I honor her memory by taking care of my dad. He may not have been the best emotionally supportive person, but he's making up for that by being financially supportive. Half the family is sitting back, waiting for him to die so they can hold their hands out. It's sad really.
I have one sister like this. My mom was hospitalized twice in the past four months. We have a four-sister text group that was going back and forth after Mom fell and cracked her pelvis. We needed to figure out how to get her to dialysis three times a week, schedule home health care aides, talk to the PT and visiting nurse, etc. I was out of the country but making calls and finding out info, what insurance might cover, etc., one sister who has an invalid husband got someone to watch him so she could drive up and talk to the home health care people, another sister who is the only one not retired was taking up the slack with the docs until I got home, and the fourth sister was sending photos of the carrots from her garden and talking about the barbecue she would be going to that weekend.
When I suggested she come down from her home 90 minutes away and maybe stay with Mom for a few days, she went into complete silence. She finally called my mother three weeks later.
She is the second sibling of seven kids. 67 years old, and she believes my mother loved all the rest of us more than her. The only remark she made about my mother is "Well, you know Mom's always looking for attention."
No. Mom is 90 and fell and can't walk because she has a cracked pelvis. Can't get to a bathroom, can't do anything except sit in a recliner. Grow up.
Last edited by Mightyqueen801; 11-10-2019 at 02:56 PM..
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
