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As far as MIL being battered, I don't think so. But a few years ago (when FIL started drinking again and sending out perverted texts) we invited them over. Husband went outside with FIL and I stayed in with MIL to chat. She said out of the blue "I can't stand your FIL" (insert his name). I asked "why." She said "because he threatens to leave all the time, says he's the one with the money, I don't have anything..." I said "well, you've been together 40 years so it is working out so far." (I had no idea what to say to that) Her reply "I was young when we got together and didn't know any better." I shared the conversation with husband, and his reply to me "she's not innocent."
So there is this weird thing going on that no one talks about with the parents. My husband does not see his siblings one on one, but he talks to the favored brother weekly, for up to an hour and sometimes they do vent about their parents, especially if the dad is being a dick. The favored brother has more liberty to talk directly to them, my husband has little recourse because it is an unforgiving family esp the FIL who will hold it against you if you confront him, and will turn it around on you.
I just keep my mouth shut, basically shut down like everyone else especially the grandchildren, except there is some silly childish banter but mostly it's awkward and tense, especially as we all get older. The favored brother even said he doesn't want to go anymore, but i'm the in-law so I can't say that. I'm waiting for my husband, but I don't think it will happen. I just have to find a way to get through it.
I have tried ignoring him, not talking to him or responding to his texts, even being overly friendly but it's beyond that. Besides, he has gotten worse towards me since then. I just expect it to escalate and he will make a fool of himself because his energy is very toxic and he can't help himself. I just have to play it cool, but it's hard when you really really dislike someone and they keep saying hurtful things.
I agree - the MIL is an enabler. That doesn't mean she hasn't been abused (I believe she has been - definitely emotionally and perhaps physically - and other family members as well, including you - it's what he does), but by staying and dancing to his sick tune, she is an enabler and the rest of the family is too.
My dad was a classic enabler - I can spot them from miles away. My mom was bipolar and my dad constantly made excuses for her often bizarre behavior, and tried his level best to raise us kids to make excuses for her behavior too. It took me till I was in my 30s to realize that's what was going on and to break the cycle.
But these were my parents, not my inlaws - I know there is a difference and I do feel sorry for your husband. I second the suggestion of counseling - for both of you together and for him separately perhaps. He has GOT to learn to defend you, to defend RIGHT, to call out bad behavior, to establish healthy personal boundaries with his father. But you don't have time to learn all this between now and Thanksgiving! So what to do in the interim...
I would model behavior that establishes boundaries.
My FIL was not technically abusive, but he was a mean, sneaky, snarky person. The way I handled him was to go over to his house, without my husband, and I confronted him. I told him what my boundaries were. I told him how uncomfortable his behavior made me feel and I told him what the consequences of his behavior would be - and then I stuck to it. In my situation these were my boundaries - In my house, he would be respectful or I would stand up and tell him to leave and he damn sure better do it. (It never came to that.) In his house, he had more leeway to be a jerk if he wanted to be, but if he decided to do so, I would just leave. Period. (It also never came to that.) The reason I believe it never came to a head was because I confronted him and from that point on, he knew I had his ticket.
So in your FIL's case, maybe you should just confront him privately before Thanksgiving and tell him your personal boundaries. YOU need to have personal boundaries - forget waiting around on your husband to stand up for you, you stand up for yourself. And tell your husband what you've done. Then if necessary, take two cars to Thanksgiving dinner, and if your FIL says or does anything inappropriate, stand up, call him out on it in front of everyone, and then LEAVE - with or without your husband.
If you can't take two cars, take one but YOU have the keys and then you leave and just tell your husband you will come to pick him up in, say, two hours or whatever. And then go somewhere even if it's just to sit at a park and look across the hills and think. Take a book and read it till it's time to go get your husband. BE PREPARED FOR THIS is my point. Have a distinct plan to STICK UP FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR OWN BOUNDARIES and then DO IT.
I bet it won't come to that though because my bet is that when you confront him privately he reins his behavior in, at least with you. With other people, unless it's grievously abusive, I'd just let them deal with it themselves.
FIL sounds like a monster. I wouldn't go. Even if you have make up a white lie like you're sick with a stomach flu, I'd rather stay at home alone than to be subject to the FIL.
Married 10 years next year. No children. No plans.
He does not confront his dad. My husband is a different man around his family. He is usually protective of me, and strong, but will not hold his father to account. I broke down in tears when he sent that cruel joke, and that's when my husband said "okay, he's an ******* alright" as if to say "what do you want me to do about it?" It has been a source of contention for us, and he tells me there is no point in talking to him, he has tried in the past, everyone has. He and his dad have had a volatile relationship and he is not the favored son. His father has even been physically abusive to him in the past in addition to verbal.
My husband told me the things my FIL have said are unforgivable, so he gets it. We have also distanced ourselves because his dad said something pretty awful to him this past summer. My husband doesn't like being around him either, even the favored son doesn't, but again, the family is conditioned to take this so we just have to bite our tongues. I have gotten to the point that its visible I don't like him, though.
So make a stand and DON'T GO. Otherwise, your FIL is CONTROLLING the strings.
I have thought about a sit-down with FIL and what that would look like, but I have my own personality quirks and one is fear of confrontation. I'm one of those who just silently hopes the person will eventually do the right thing, and I shut down or disengage. FIL knows I don't like him and it bothers him, so he has gotten meaner towards me over the years.
So i'm' waiting for something so obvious on FILs part, that in the moment, confrontation can happen. My husband says I need to do it in the moment and not wait or hold it in, but to pull him aside in that very moment so he can say something. My husband has selective hearing and vision when he's around his family, so things go by unnoticed by him. I think it is a coping mechanism or something.
I was told upon entering this family by a couple members that FIL does have an undiagnosed mental disorder and has two different personalities. I think they were just preparing me. This year he has been nastier than usual to everyone so I get the feeling something is brewing.
As far as MIL being battered, I don't think so. But a few years ago (when FIL started drinking again and sending out perverted texts) we invited them over. Husband went outside with FIL and I stayed in with MIL to chat. She said out of the blue "I can't stand your FIL" (insert his name). I asked "why." She said "because he threatens to leave all the time, says he's the one with the money, I don't have anything..." I said "well, you've been together 40 years so it is working out so far." (I had no idea what to say to that) Her reply "I was young when we got together and didn't know any better." I shared the conversation with husband, and his reply to me "she's not innocent."
So there is this weird thing going on that no one talks about with the parents. My husband does not see his siblings one on one, but he talks to the favored brother weekly, for up to an hour and sometimes they do vent about their parents, especially if the dad is being a dick. The favored brother has more liberty to talk directly to them, my husband has little recourse because it is an unforgiving family esp the FIL who will hold it against you if you confront him, and will turn it around on you.
I just keep my mouth shut, basically shut down like everyone else especially the grandchildren, except there is some silly childish banter but mostly it's awkward and tense, especially as we all get older. The favored brother even said he doesn't want to go anymore, but i'm the in-law so I can't say that. I'm waiting for my husband, but I don't think it will happen. I just have to find a way to get through it.
I have tried ignoring him, not talking to him or responding to his texts, even being overly friendly but it's beyond that. Besides, he has gotten worse towards me since then. I just expect it to escalate and he will make a fool of himself because his energy is very toxic and he can't help himself. I just have to play it cool, but it's hard when you really really dislike someone and they keep saying hurtful things.
Well, since it looks like your husband isn't going to grow a backbone around his dad, you will have to do so. Either you will have to refuse to be around him, due to your fear of confrontation, or you'll just have to have it out with him. Personally I hate confrontations with people as well. But if someone was being truly vile to me, my dander would be so raised (along with my blood pressure), that I'd just up and get right in their face and tell them what for about their evil selves. But that's how my old lady self rolls -I've got no time for putting up for crap in my life any more, and in fact, didn't much when I was young either.
Just do what I did for over 30 years daylux. Send your spouse alone and stay home. I grew tired of my in-laws toxic behavior about a year after we were married. It was clear that I was not part of the family so why attend anything. My husband decided not to spend any more holidays of family gatherings with them again as well. We would visit his parents on occasion at the lake house, but my FIL insulted me for the last time and I never went back. He called and asked me to come up but I sent my husband alone. He died about two weeks later. Hey, when you're done, you're done. It was odd that John's sister, who started the rift in the beginning, called and asked if John would help her when she was dying of pancreatic cancer. They really didn't speak for decades. He went to help her but really didn't want to be there. She criticized his cooking, and was her usual unpleasant self. I didn't have to deal with her and we didn't go to her memorial service.
You have to decide whether you want to interact with them and to what extent. If I run into his family at a funeral or wedding, I just keep any conversation short and sweet and excuse myself and visit with someone I actually want to talk to. No need to be a rectum about it if your personalities don't mesh.
Why do you and your spouse have to go to your in-laws house for holidays?
If your husband wants to see his siblings and/or his mother can't he see them at other times?
Maybe, I am naïve but I wouldn't want to spend time with someone who was abusive to me and to my spouse. I would just say "No, I (we) aren't going to your parents house."
Can't you do that (just say "No")? What if you had a reasonable excuse? What if you visit some of your relatives (especially out of town relatives)? What if you and Hubby took a trip instead of going to his parents house?
As a follow-up to my post, I have a few more ideas.
While my late husband and I loved each other dearly we never acted like we were "Siamese twins who were joined at the hip". There were some holidays that I spent with my family members without him (due to his work commitments) and many, many other times that I traveled to visit family (non-holiday) without him. Ditto for Hubby, sometimes he went to an out-of-town wedding or celebration with his family when I couldn't make it.
Truly, why can't you spend a pleasant Thanksgiving with your family or with friends or by yourself and let Hubby do whatever he wants to do (either visit his family, go with you, or stay home)?
For the people who suggested that you are "sick" on Thanksgiving, I agree that no one expects, or wants, someone with "a touch of the stomach flu" to come to Thanksgiving dinner. I've heard that migraine headaches can be a good excuse, too (as they do not show many visible and you can be over them in a few hours).
Good luck to you. I wish you well.
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